Heavy is the Crown... it Really Does Feel Heavy Sometimes

I was no one 

I became someone

I chased after everyone

Did I gain the universe only to lose God?

I never wanted to look back or look in a mirror

The purity of a child

The bravest of hearts

The wounded souls

The rejects or outcasts 

Jesus loves all, but humanity is still broken

There's only one Creator

There's only one Father

There's only one Spirit

There's only one cross

There's no room for judgment, but all I see is what's broken

My trauma and my scars tell me this:

Make no mistake

Make no errors in judgment

Make no excuses for what's wrong and do what's right

Make only good choices, for it'll strengthen your character

Face your imperfections, then hear Him say that you're enough 

I can't take away your pain

I can't make you feel happy again

I can't be who you want me to be

I can't lay my life down again and expect different results

Just let me be, and I'll learn to live with your disappointment

Sisters choose to love, no matter what happens in life

Friends choose us for companionship, but they serve different purposes

Our parents choose to give us the world so that we can choose better

I chose to believe in Jesus because I'm willing to admit that I need a savior

I chose to walk with my demons because I'm used to dealing with them alone

We chose each other until the end, but you keep saying that my choices in love are unfair

I'm not sorry for being me, flaws, faults and all

I'm not going to regret loving, even if it caused me to suffer in silence

I'm not going to judge you ever, even if you still think you're not enough

I'm not going to make you love me, but I know that Jesus can heal us in time

Your heart is too pure, but mine still feels shattered. How is it fair for me to receive less?

I don't want your sympathy. I just want to feel understood, and to let that be enough.

A Poem for This Earth and Water Dynamic: Girlfriends, Sisters or Both?

I hate you, but I also love you. 

You drive me crazy

You make me question my sanity

Why do you question everything I do?

Why can't you just give me a break?

I just want to heal that black hole in your heart

God knows my heart better than you do

All you see is my anger and broken pieces

Precocious, pretentious and self-absorbed is all I can see

When someone says they care, there's a deeper meaning

Your love feels more like self-sabotage

You don't love yourself the same way I do

I know I've got my faults; I've never claimed to be perfect

I know that I take a lot for granted

My heart just wants yours, but I'm also dead tired

Two heads are better than one, but perhaps our are just wired differently

Our baggage needs to be given more space to breathe

I just want to be given time to breathe 

You can drag my heart through hell, but will you choose better next time?

I'd walk through a ring of fire to find your purity again

I know I'll rise up again and again; it's all the same to me now

Just don't get it twisted when I say you're still worth it somehow

Faith is hard to kill unless you don't give anything back. 

Resilience is my middle name these days

I can say sorry a million times, but does it mean anything to you?

Solid character speaks louder than being showered with gifts or money

Changing habits is hard, but it's not impossible; all it takes is baby steps

If you'd let me hold your hand a little longer, you'd see that I have nothing but respect

You've been changing my world since day one

I hope you know how much you truly mean to me. 

Dating for Companionship vs. Dating for Marriage + Some Reflections on Love

I know that everybody has their own goals and aspirations when it comes to love. I won't judge anyone who thinks that marriage isn't worth it or who doesn't question the concept of marriage enough, but for me, I still believe that it could be worth it. I've been single for only a couple months now. Being friends with my ex seems to be working, but it's still a process to fully come back to myself. 

It's not worth it to be with someone who can't see why you value certain things that simply don't matter to them. It's also not worth it to stick around and try to convince or impose your own values onto them. I say this, but I am grateful for the experience and for the memories of my previous relationship, and it never hurts to say this if you're still in contact with the person you once loved. I've come to recognize that breaking up for good or giving ultimatums is a habit that doesn't really promote growth or positive change within your relationships (this also includes ones with family and friends). Of course, I do recognize that every situation and relationship is different and that any toxic or unhealthy dynamics may require a different solution. Nonetheless, another habit that doesn't really help in certain situations is having poor listening skills or being unwilling to learn new things. No human is perfect; I know this and understand that communication can still break down sometimes, but it's common sense to understand and recognize that how we handle tough times is what matters most. 

Trust in marriage is maintained when both individuals understand that the other person can't fulfill every single need that they each have. Trust, in my experiences at least, gets easily abused when you look to excuse it by saying certain phrases too much, or by repeating certain actions without taking the time to understand how these behaviors affect the people around you. You don't always have to make your love known by simply stating it. Love can exist in the form of small gestures, gentle reminders, physical touch or acts of service. Love also doesn't have to rely solely on monetary value. Love can be expressed in a multitude of ways, and while I recognize my own default habits of how I choose to give my love, it never hurts to expand the way you express this to others. 

With the way society views love today, I honestly feel like it would be an oversimplification to say that most humans don't care enough or just don't understand. Of course, a lot of people in this world are entitled to say that they truly don't know what love feels like because of how they were raised growing up. We need to stop expecting people to love each other perfectly or make people feel bad simply because they carry flaws. If there's one thing I'm starting to understand better and practice with more consistency, it's grace and forgiveness for even the worst of mistakes. People can believe in whatever they want, but in knowing my own upbringing, values and beliefs because of my parents passing down what they've been taught about God and Jesus, I do believe that God can heal more wounds than anything else on earth can. 

To wrap up this post, if there's anything I've learned about myself in the experiences I've had, it's that love can either be easy or difficult depending on the choices we make with the other person in mind. Sacrifice doesn't have to be seen as a bad thing depending on what you believe is most important in life; it takes a lot of inner work or prayer to recognize that delicate balance of valuing yourself and God while also maintaining healthy relationships. It's important to choose someone who has similar values as your own. It's also important to choose someone who can enhance your better qualities and lift you up when you're at your worst, and while being able to share your vulnerabilities with your partner can allow your bond to grow more, you can't rush the process. The most worthwhile things in life take time to grow, heal and evolve. 

Personal Life Reflections & Changes

 I have no shame in using my blog as a time capsule for my inner thoughts, but I also know that I've used it as an outlet over the years to help express myself. I don't really see much changing with my blog as I enjoy posting whatever comes to my mind, or even just sharing my different interests. For this particular post, however, I want to start sharing some more personal thoughts and other aspirations.

Figuring out my life as an adult and in a new environment that's separate from the home I grew up in has been hard. My mental health has taken some pretty big dips at times, and yet, I'm still trying my best to function. It's weird how every time I get sick, time starts to slow down and I'm able to get more genuine rest. I still don't enjoy getting sick by any means, but I am grateful for the extra time that it gives me. Taking care of my health is probably the one thing that I've tried to gain more consistency on, and honestly, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to keep my weight and metabolism steady. I definitely feel like I've learned some new and better habits when it comes to my relationship with food, and while it has taken some time with a couple of learning curves, I feel pretty good about my body and where things are heading with my physical health. 

Keeping myself in a good mood emotionally has honestly been a work in progress this year. I don't like dwelling on the negatives, but I know I've been guilty of doing this a bit too often. I also know what my own flaws and weaknesses are... it's not always for me to remain open-minded, and even with the many years I've spent in therapy which I recently decided to move on from, I feel like what's working now for the position I'm in to maintain a positive relationship with my mental health is becoming more physically active. I'm also starting to feel more appreciative as well as seeing the value in maintaining an open relationship with my parents. Seeing them once a week and/or staying the night whenever I want is helping me to find a different source of relief. I don't always have to spend time alone, and since making these changes, I'm finding myself feeling more balanced in some ways, even if life still feels chaotic at times. I know that there are a lot of things in the outside world that I can't change, but knowing that I have my family as my support system gives me a sense of joy, comfort and encouragement. 

My romantic life continues to hold some uncertainties which can be hard to navigate at times. If there's one thing that's stuck with me since the start of my 20's, it's that you can't always overthink yourself into a state of clarity or peace. Sometimes, you have to trust in the universe and allow things to take their own natural course in life. I've always tried to have this "go with the flow" and free-spirited type of mentality when it comes to most areas of life. Being stiff and strict in some areas just doesn't always work, and while I try to be someone who can extend a listening ear and provide understanding, I also recognize that it's also okay to have boundaries. Balance is important to have, but when it comes to relationships, whether they're romantic or not, I think what's been keeping me stuck more often than not is recognizing that there needs to be a balance between that give-and-take aspect in relationships. It's easy to say this stuff out loud, and yet, putting it into practice just isn't easy sometimes. 

If there's one additional change that I feel like is worth putting into practice as often as I can, it's having a sense of gratitude. It's very easy to search out other people's flaws or to complain about how life is just a constant haze of dark clouds.... If that's the only perspective that you're willing to have, then what's the point in living? I personally try to hold onto any optimism or silver linings that I can find, and if I can't find any, then I'll make my own. I'll be my own ray of sunshine, and I hope that in living that out, I can attract more positivity and kindness in return. Life's too short to constantly dwell on things that bring you down into misery. 

My Thoughts on Affordable Luxury + Mini Review

Luxury fashion typically means buying into designer labels that come with extra overpriced fees because you’re paying for the name brand, which doesn’t always promise better quality. Take brands like Chanel, Dior or Louis Vuitton for example. I’ve never spent over $1000 just for a handbag, and while I know that I’m into fashion and like to marvel at the design of certain handbag structures, I know what my standards are now and I’m also aware of what I need to prioritize within my budget.

Social media has been both a blessing and a curse when it comes to the fashion community and how new trends tend to pop up within its algorithms. One of the few trends that I felt like I was able to budget for before moving out was getting into affordable luxury, or “quiet luxury”. Handbags with no logos, or clothes that have more timeless features in their design and structure became a huge trend for a while as a push-back from any brands that are saturated with loud prints or flashy logos. In a way, you could say that “quiet luxury” was really just coming back to a simpler or more minimalist design form. This is how brands like Polene, Teddy Blake or Songmont have come about within influencer culture.

I honestly think that “quiet luxury”, or affordable luxury, can be considered a timeless trend regardless of who’s promoting it on Instagram or YouTube. I know that I’ve been able to acquire at least four different handbags within this trend, three of which are from the brand Polene. The quality of their products is honestly something that I could rave about for who knows how long because no matter how many times I use one of them, they’ll still stand the test of time and look amazing with barely any scratches! Another thing that I find myself appreciating about Polene’s products is how unique their designs are. One of the bags I bought from them looks like a dumpling; there are two different size options for this type of bag, and I decided to get the mini size in an off-white color. I’ve used it for special outings or family dinners, and honestly, I’d say this is the only evening bag that I need in my collection. It really just makes any outfit feel more put together and fun!



(Picture taken from official Polene Website. Bag name: Numero Neuf mini. Color: Chalk)

To wrap up this post, I’m going to say that while I still stand by knowing that fashion in any form is fun and while no one should judge anybody who decides to take part in it, I do realize that this is one outlet that comes with a heavy price (no pun intended). No one should go broke in the name of fashion, and if you can’t afford luxury brands or don’t see the value in them, then that’s okay. Different people are into different things and shouldn’t be patronized for making decisions that can benefit their sense of joy. So, wIthout going onto any other tangents here, I hope this post was informative and insightful to you if you’re looking to invest in the quiet luxury trend!

Does Having a Low Tolerance Mindset Actually Work?

There are a lot of things I know I'm prone to saying or doing either consciously or unconsciously. I also know that depending on the day, I'm not always good at being able to empathize with others. Self-respect and being able to consistently show up for myself is something that I tend to hold onto with pride, as well as stating any boundaries for the sake of keeping any relationships healthy. In saying all of that, one thing that I feel as if I've come to learn and accept about myself is that even though I am someone who is considered neurodivergent (or having ADD), that doesn't mean that I have to let my brain's oddities take over my personality 24/7. 

Shame, low self-esteem and negative self-talk are what's caused me to withdraw and isolate myself the most whenever I was experiencing a meltdown because of my ADD. The ways in which I've built up my own confidence and self-worth have involved some traditional or conventional methods like therapy, journaling and even starting this blog, but I also know that I've relied on some other resources so that I could figure out how to appear more "normal" or get to a place of feeling safe internally. This is basically how I've gained inspiration to write about my experiences with ADD and my learning disability. Accepting that my brain is just different isn't always easy, but how does this correlate to the title of this post?

I wasn't given enough exposure to people who are just like me in terms of mental deficiencies, so for a good part of my life, I just went about my own business and kept to myself without questioning most things in life. My ability to tolerate certain things and people comes from being able to observe and adapt to my surroundings. It's taken me a long time to unlearn certain behaviors that haven't been serving me, and the more I allow myself to be unapologetic in who I am outside of my ADD, the more I start to feel as if I can co-exist around not just other neurodivergent folks (which also includes people who have autism), but also some other people who are their own version of "normal". I know who I'm able to get along with and who I want to avoid or go no-contact with. I used to be the type of person who would burn bridges, and while that temptation still finds its way into my mind sometimes, I feel like the only thing I'm guilty of now is saying things I don't mean to whenever I feel stressed or tired. Forgiving and forgetting is something I'd rather adapt to, whether other people in my life like it or not. I'd rather forgive for my own sake (and for other people if I know I've done something wrong), forget like it's nothing and then move on with life. If someone were to actually disrespect me or not treat me fairly, I will put that person in their place if I have to. I've gone through phases of being too soft or being too afraid to speak my mind, and that slowly started to change once I entered my 20's. I'm not afraid anymore to vocalize what's on my mind, whether or not what I have to say is offensive. So to anyone who's reading this, please take this to heart: it's okay for you to have a voice and to stand up for yourself!!

To wrap up this post, I'd say that my tolerance threshold has increased over the years with some things in life, but overall, I still try my best to be kind and live in a way that's authentic to who I am. Confidence is something that you gain by being able to endure the worst of what's been dealt to you. I hope that these insights can help reach anybody who needs to hear it. 

ADHD & Communication (part 2)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve highlighted anything regarding ADHD, but there are some new things that I thought I’d address now that I’ve gained a bit more experience, and with other like-minded individuals like me. So even though I’m still a work in progress in some ways, my ability to communicate with others depends directly on the state of my mental health. Trauma plays a very small part in what I’m able to speak up about or not, or at least, that’s what I’d like to believe. Staying silent hasn’t done me any favors in some cases, but in other ways, it has led to some growth, learning and healing. The most problematic or difficult experiences I’ve faced, however, is how to maintain relationships with other people who have a neurodivergent brain like me.

It’s taking time for me to recognize that while my own feelings and emotions are valid, that doesn’t mean that I should use them to hurt other people or twist another person’s words just because I feel hurt. Getting older doesn’t always mean getting wiser, because realistically speaking here, whether I have ADD or not, I’d still be making rookie mistakes every now and then. Pride tells me that this is why I get to feel the way I do, and this person’s actions or lack thereof proves that. I could have a full-on conversation in my head while everyone else around me is just minding their own business. Letting go of what makes me feel agitated, angry and hurt can either be easy or difficult depending on how much mental energy and focus I have. If my focus is aimless, then there’s no chance of me calming down whatsoever. Put me with someone who also has communication issues, and you’ll notice that there’s a lot that doesn’t get said, or we could end up saying the wrong things to each other sometimes.

I know I should be more empathetic of other people within “my own tribe”. Quite frankly, I feel as if my subconscious brain still holds onto some toxic habits that make me forget about my own ADD issues because I haven’t been exposed to other people with ADHD all that often growing up. Part of me has gotten a bit too used to feeling like a “normal” person with no issues, and so without that exposure, it’s made it difficult for me to meet other people where they’re at in life in some cases. Just like how other disabilities come on a spectrum, I’m finding out that ADHD comes on a spectrum as well based on how well a person can mask their symptoms. Masking is a coping mechanism that I learned upon exiting my teenage years, and somehow, it’s become a good tool in order for me to appear “normal”, but it takes a lot of mental energy and focus. So how does all of this play into communication? I feel like the best way to describe it would be like going to a masked ball, and you never know what kinds of “secrets” the person is hiding behind their mask.

The things I compensate for when I’m masking my ADD stem from my issues with control, lack of stability from within and this internal struggle to adapt to change. I know I tend to go through phases of taking things too far and not knowing when to let go of certain feelings or people that I know aren’t serving a positive purpose in my life. It’s very debilitating to shuffle through my own issues and figure out what’s rooted in reality and what’s rooted in trauma. I know that not everybody in this world is out to get me, and I know that people are going to make mistakes. Sometimes, it feels as if I have to put up a tighter guard because I’ve been taken advantage of one too many times. What I wish other people would learn, however, is that forgiveness works both ways- and it’s okay to be vocal about that. I’ve tried to unlearn many bad habits over the years; it’s still taking me time to heal. I do want to continue being more vocal about the things that I think people need to hear more often, but it’s really difficult to find peace sometimes when you don’t receive the same kind of treatment back.