This is My Last Post EVER for This Blog

 I've been a daydreamer ever since I was young. I thought I could be someone who could reach for whatever she wanted. I thought that my biggest dreams existed somewhere else in the world, but I never once considered that they're already inside of me. For this reason, I'm no longer making content here on this blog. 

It's been a good run. I've used this platform for many years to help discover and learn more about myself, but doing it this way has kept me in a place of stagnation. My real self doesn't exist on a blog, Instagram profile or some other social media platform. If you want to know the real me, then let me show that to you. Better yet, if you care to know the real me, then let's start being open to having those deeper conversations IN PERSON! I no longer care to entertain my deepest thoughts to mindless bots or anonymous faces here on the Internet. I know that it's very easy these days for people to rely on their phones for everything, but in my honest opinion, real relationships exist within your own communities outside of technology. Foster those relationships better with communication and care. I'm tired of being part of the matrix. I'm also getting tired of letting this blog be an excuse for me to stay stuck in thoughts that only a select few people decide to read. Merry Christmas everyone! 

Why Suicide is NEVER the Answer!

 Belief is a choice. Faith is a choice. There are no guarantees in life, but I understand that depression, whether it's clinical, psychological, situational or chronic is NOT demonic! It's a disorder. It's a barrier that makes everyday living feel difficult, but that doesn't mean your life is over. It doesn't diminish your worth. Your identity is worth more than the battles you fight against inside your head. The way you show up for others out of love and care speaks much so much louder than whatever struggles or demons you face. Situational depression is still rooted in mental health struggles, but that's more on a psychological level. The rational brain loves to find ways to make it seem like certain areas of life are more difficult or heavy than they actually are, and this is something that I have struggled with for many years. 

Chronic depression is clinical. It's something that needs psychiatric care. It may even require medication to prevent its symptoms. Suicidal tendencies are real, and these kinds of thoughts can be a residual symptom of any form of depression, but there are ways to combat this with the help of professionals.

Anybody who says that depression is something that only God can fix has never really experienced it themselves on a mental level. Experiencing depressive thoughts is different from having depression. It's not easy for some of us to just stop being depressed. It's a core wound that can start very early on in childhood. Love is a choice. We all choose to love in the best ways we can, but we're all still human as well. 

I believe that suicide isn't an option. It's okay to talk about your struggles with someone you love and trust. I believe that while God isn't going to magically heal everything, He can and will see what you're going through. He will always hold you close while you're in the midst of your darkest moments. Placing faith in Him is a choice; it's not always an easy choice, but He's always working behind the scenes. His timing is always perfect, even if He doesn't give you all the answers right away. 

Speaking from experience now, I know that life isn't always fair or easy. I also recognize that everybody has days where they can't find the strength to stand, or the courage to get up and face the day. The nights can feel very heavy and draining... The way the human mind works is very complex and difficult. Depression or suicidal thoughts doesn't make living any easier, but isn't it worth it still to at least find one thing in life that brings us hope or joy? It doesn't have to be anything big. Just find something small. It makes a difference. And if anybody out there hasn't been told this yet, I care. I care about the lives of those who are struggling or lurking in the shadows, no matter how dark they seem. 

Confidence and Arrogance vs. Narcissism in Autistic Men + Some Other Reflections on Mental Disabilities

I've been around a few autistic people in my lifetime, and if there's one reoccurring pattern that I'm catching onto, it's that it's very difficult for people with this disability to feel like they feel safe enough to express themselves fully in their relationships or friendships. Even though I myself am not autistic, I know that for the longest time, I got comfortable with hiding myself. My confidence was tied to my ability to feel liked by others, or by excessive people-pleasing. 

I'm still learning new things about autism and how it works, but based on my experiences so far, I think I'm starting to recognize that there's this delicate, underlying connection between insecurity and narcissism. Being able to recognize your own flaws and faults is one thing, but putting into action better habits and actions on a regular basis is what separates the average man from the man who's more emotionally inept. Autism has its own challenges that are different from narcissistic personality disorder, but to break down the differences and see what makes each case different is something I'm still trying to work around and understand. Having autism involves having issues with expressing one's emotions in a way that feels healthy and safe. Being narcissistic has a larger range of psychological issues on a mental or emotional level. In some cases, narcissism is considered a disorder. The deficit that this has on men impacts the way they show up and communicate with others, as well as their ability to listen, learn and understand what's being said to them. 

So how does this show up in autistic men? Those with autism don't need to be judged or demonized for not having enough emotional depth, because they do carry a lot of love and empathy. Being expressive with their emotions takes consistent practice. It would take regular therapy sessions in order for them to feel safe enough to open up, and respect would need to be given on both sides from both people. Reflecting on my experiences thus far, I realize that my deep-rooted anxiety has caused a lot of issues within the way I approach intimacy. It's not easy for me to stop overthinking; pair that with someone who has autism, and this creates a vicious cycle of needing validation, and when that validation isn't received, both people end up retreating in silence, and nothing is resolved. 

Being friends with autistic people may seem easier, but it's still difficult sometimes. Anger feels heightened, and sadness feels like an endless downpour of rain; this is what my emotions do to me at least, but I have a feeling that the experience is similar for people with autism. There's an unspoken parallel within those who have autism and those who live with ADD/ADHD. It's a challenge, but at the same time, it's not. It just requires high levels of empathy as well as clear communication on both parts. 

So how does confidence or arrogance tie into all of this? I'd be lying if I were to say that I always feel confident because I don't. People have to find their own ways of building up their confidence without appearing arrogant, and this is usually best put into practice through therapy. I know what my own experiences with confidence are like, but what's been difficult for me is being able to maintain this without trying to aim for control or perfection. I think that when it comes to those on the autism spectrum, emotional safety and finding stability is key. Consistency matters heavily for those with autism, but for anyone with ADD or ADHD, it's more difficult to find that because it takes effort to create consistency as there are different cognitive functions that are missing within the person's brain. Self-assurance, self-soothing techniques or other forms of mental or emotional self care are required to balance out the dynamic between two people with such disabilities. 

What I'm starting to take away now with everything I've experienced is that sometimes, it's better to be with someone who can provide emotional support in a way that's less rigid or aggressive. Dating someone who doesn't have a mental disability has its own challenges, but the dynamic as far as emotional intimacy is concerned had better benefits because there's more room for openness, and communication doesn't feel so manufactured or monotonous. Perfection doesn't exist, and love shouldn't have to feel like a game of tug-of-war where both people are struggling to understand each other or continue to stay stuck in their heads, but never say anything out loud. I hope that these insights can be helpful for anyone who needs it! 

To The People I Chose to Love and Seek Out First

Even if I struggle to understand certain things you do, I know that you'll always root for me and cheer me up. I laugh the most when I'm with you. Somehow, even in silence, your company fills me up instead of leaving me feeling awkward. Part of me knows that the best moments only last for a few minutes in time, but those moments truly mean a lot to me. If I can't have it both ways in life, then I'd rather just be surrounded by those who see me and understand me in ways that matter most. 

Love in friendships can still have its moments of being rocky, but when time slows down and I'm fully aware of my surroundings, I can feel that connection. I know that my ex wanted this as well, but he's on his own now. I'm done with trying to keep him around as a friend. It'll be his choice if he wants to come back or not. I don't want to rush things anymore. Real love lasts when both people know to take their time and give each other respect. The same can be said about true love within God's timing; there's definitely something special about that kind of bond where both people are able to put God first and prioritize their own growth not just in themselves as human beings, but also within the way God wants them to love. I know I've met two incredible people who have exemplified this, and to this day, I still think of them, even if I haven't met them in person yet. 

Love is a great feeling, but I know that love alone won't make a relationship last. It takes effort on both sides, and it's not enough to simply demand or ask for more from one person without having the same amount of effort get put out from the other person. I'm also learning that unconditional love does not equate to having a lack of boundaries or respect. Being strict with boundaries is okay, but it's also okay for other people to have reactions to said boundaries. We're all human at the end of the day. It's okay if it takes time for trust to be built up again; the realest or purest forms of love don't just magically heal themselves overnight. Marriage doesn't just happen overnight. Those who understand this will do what works for them and their relationship. 

Fear is a common emotion for people to have; no one should be seen as weak or less than for experiencing this type of emotion. If you're unable to fear anything, then I can definitely give those kinds of people respect, but not even the most fearless of leaders are immune to feeling this way. Lions and bears alike experience a protective or defensive type of fear. Those who are willing to walk through fire can still be afraid of the dark. Even those who are willing to stand alone and not be romantically involved with anybody can still experience fear because they don't want to be forgotten or feel abandoned. These kinds of people have the strongest hearts, and these are the kinds of people that I've been able to bond and connect with the most over time. 

I feel immensely grateful for each and every person who's given me strength, courage and faith over the years. Even if my mind carries many memories that paralyze my physical body to exhaustion sometimes, I know that I hold a lot of resilience, hope and optimism. I'm not as naive as I used to be; I notice a lot more than what people would typically think. I pick up on things that other people tend to ignore or not think about as deeply. I love hard and fall even harder when I notice a person of high value, or of strong character in other words. Honesty and integrity are important to me. Confidence is attractive to me, but I also know that seeing someone exemplifying God's will is the most attractive to me. I enjoy the process of seeing someone evolve and grow alongside me in faith and love. 

Control, Desire and Love: A Prayer for Direction, Clarity and Abundance

Anger always leads me back to the fire I once held onto so tightly... not once has it betrayed my ability to plunge forward, but I'm not as young as I once was on the inside. Pain is starting to turn into discomfort. Certain memories are starting to feel toxic within my head space. I keep finding myself reacting out of anger, but in reality, I just want to let go once and for all. I want to fall into the abyss of the unknown without looking back anymore. 

My desire for a committed relationship/marriage under God's perfect timing is not just a fantasy in my mind these days. My ability to make this work and stay true to what God expects of me is something that takes more confidence than what I'm letting on for these days. Abundance is a mindset that I once held onto without reservation, doubt or fear. I want to embody that kind of energy again 100%! I know that it shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks. God knows that I am worthy, so there's really no reason for me to keep questioning that. My faith and confidence comes from no one else but Him. My worth shouldn't be tied to anyone else's perceptions except Him. God knows my heart. Jesus knows the purity of my intentions. I just want to reflect more of Him, and less of me. 

If the castle that God has built for me is greater than the one I've tried building for myself for so many years, then I'm ready to let go. I'm so tired of trying to force different outcomes out of my own sheer will. It tires me out.... it makes me feel weary and like part of my soul is being dragged out in a way that's not healthy or nourishing. 

I've been through so much already. I can feel it within my mind and body, but to trust You with all I have and not let fear hold me back is the ultimate test in my eyes now. So for tonight, Lord, I pray that you will take my heart and do what You know is best for me. I pray that You'll show more of Yourself within me, because I know that Your heart beats for my own good. I'm so tired of fighting against You. I know how that makes You feel... As of tonight, I will surrender every ounce of control for good. I love you, Lord. I love what You stand for, even if it makes me feel undeserving at times. Your care for me is so overwhelming, but I'll trust you anyways. Thank you for always staying by my side, whether I'm able to see it or not. I'm grateful for all that You've done this far in my life. You are so good to me, God. I trust you to purify me for the sake of Your greater good. Now and forever, I will praise you with everything I have as best as I can. Amen. 

Faith Revisited and Renewed

Resilience, hope and strength.... these terms probably sound foreign to those who were brought up in non-religious homes. Faith isn't blind; it's a choice. Forgiveness isn't for those who have wronged you; it's for you and God. Believing that Jesus can heal and save humanity, die on the cross and then resurrect again to purify your heart is a process. It requires being able to see what can't be seen by the naked eye. 

I believe that faith allows people to make sense of things that don't make sense. It gives our heart peace of mind. It allows us to feel deeply and reach out to others who are in need or are struggling. With all of this said, I honestly feel as if my experiences with faith have taken me to places that have made me face temptation, fear and doubt. It's made me sense things that are beyond what I was able to sense before. God works in mysterious ways, but His love is steadfast as long as you can admit and repent your sins to Him in fervent prayer. 

I know that stepping into my own faith journey has been a process. Trust hasn't always been easy for me to lean into, but I feel like it's becoming easier for me to surrender. I also feel like it's becoming easier for me to recognize impurity in others, but to still hold enough care in my heart. I don't want to be someone who casts judgment onto anybody as we're all human, but there are certain behaviors that I'm starting to not tolerate as much as I used to. It's more than okay to place firm boundaries on certain things. It's also okay to say no as a means of keeping one's peace. If there's one thing that I'm also starting to gain a lot more clarity on, it's that unconditional love does NOT mean unconditional tolerance for any behavior that feels dangerous or harmful. 

Sometimes, it's not easy to face reality for what it really is. It's easier to believe that there's good in this world, and in some cases, you will run into people whose intentions are pure, honest and golden. However, what I'm starting to understand better now is that even though a lot of people claim to be good at heart, they can still do harmful things. It's important to understand the difference between choosing to purposefully hurt people as opposed to making mistakes of any kind. We're all human. It's okay to be human, but what's not okay is to purposefully hurt people just because you're having a bad day or experiencing a low point in life.

To wrap up this post, what I'll say in regards to where I'm at now is that I'm starting to believe more. I'm also starting to use more discernment, but even with the best of intentions I try to have and use, I still get things confused sometimes. Asking for help still doesn't come easy to me, but I'm trying my best to remain patient. I know that this year as a whole has tested my patience in many ways, so these days, there's not a lot that can surprise me. Vulnerability is scary, but it's what makes love worthwhile. I hope that the lessons I've learned thus far in life can carry me to a place that brings me more joy, abundance and purpose in a way that glorifies God and Jesus. 

To the One Person I Wasn't Supposed to Fall In Love With....

Emotions make us human, and yet, ours reflect each other so clearly. It really just confirms how divine our connection is. Your heart is strong... Your soul is beautiful. Your eyes are warm and inviting. Your smile makes me feel like I am the only person that matters to you, but I know I'm not. Accepting this truth is hard because of how special you make me feel. It's easy for me to forget that you've already chosen someone to love who isn't me.... some nights, it makes me feel sad. Other nights, this is something I'm able to bury deep down. 

I crave those good morning texts like they're just for me, and I truly enjoy it when you text me good morning. It brings joy to my heart. The consistency of those moments stay in my heart like a beautiful melody that's harmonious and perfect; you never miss a beat, and I'll always think to myself that God brought someone special into my life who's showing me that having a love that's rooted in His holiness is possible and within reach. 

The acknowledgement of us not being lovers doesn't always hurt... Loving you from a distance doesn't always hurt because I know that we'll still have our friendship. I cherish this friendship we have so deeply. I cherish the moments we make whenever we're sharing our deepest secrets to each other. I even cherish the daydreams we create in our minds, however simple and monotonous they are. They all weave into this story that feels like another version of reality that only the two of us know about. 

Whenever you come to my mind, whether it's during the day or at night, my heart sometimes skips a beat. Once I meet the person I'm destined to be with and eventually marry, I hope that he or she will be just as kind, tender, patient and caring as you. I hope that he'll share that same passion for growth that you do. I also hope that he'll share the same love for God as I do. As I'm saying these things, I pray that the person I'm meant to be with will choose to stay in my life, no matter what. 

Loving you brings me so much joy that I just want to cry... I never find myself feeling lonely or forgotten. I never find myself feeling doubtful or insecure because I know that you'll lift me up and remind me of my worth as a person. I feel grateful for your companionship. I feel grateful for your kindness.... it truly overwhelms me sometimes, but that's not a bad thing. It just reminds of how divinely perfect our love is, even if we're only supposed to remain friends. So just for tonight at least, while you're spending your nights with her, I'll imagine that it's me. I'll imagine that it's me that you want to kiss and hold so tenderly until we fall asleep together.