Honestly.... Being honest is different from being disrespectful or rude

I don't like staying quiet whenever something is on my mind. People say that you should treat people based on how you want to be treated, but let's get real here for a minute.... negativity, rudeness or being overly harsh are things that most people don't like putting up with. I realize that the kinds of people I've allowed into my life over the years off and on haven't been the nicest to me, but I don't consider myself to be someone who likes to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells. Being honest or blunt when giving criticism doesn't always mean that I'm being negative. It just means that I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind, whether the person is ready to hear what I have to say or not. 

It honestly gets tiring to always put a filter on my thoughts. The way I speak is the way I speak. If someone wants me to sugarcoat things or put on this magical fairy dust act, well... That's just not me. I value my ability to be honest and straightforward, and I know that this platform and having this blog has been a huge help in allowing me to develop my own voice and opinions over the years. 

At this point in my life, I really don't care if a person likes me or not. I may not always enjoy the feeling of being misunderstood, but at the same time, part of me is starting to care less about being understood by others in the first place. Let this be a reminder that it's okay to speak up. Being silenced by someone else doesn't have to be tolerated, and more importantly, NO ONE should have to silence themselves just for the sake of keeping the peace. There's more nuance within different relationships these days, and while I try to recognize this as a good thing, I also find myself needing to be reminded that this is why most- if not all- relationships don't work. People change. The things that we value are likely to change the more we grow and evolve. Disrespect, of course, never needs to be tolerated, but especially with romantic partnerships or marriage, I sometimes find myself in this mindset of being in the minority because I've been with the same person for more than 9 years now. Every relationship is going to go through difficult times, and I know that having some arguments with the person you love is considered normal. I guess in the end, being able to confront the person you love is the hardest challenge to face sometimes; I know this because I've experienced this. Sometimes, you just need to recognize when you've had enough of letting fear hold you back. You really don't know how a person is going to handle what you have to say until the words have been let out. With all of this being said, if you believe the relationship is worth holding onto, then it's worth holding onto. If not, then it's okay to move on. However, if any of you reading this is like me where it's easy to get confused or overthink things, then perhaps this post can give you a sense of comfort, encouragement or motivation.  

What I'm Learning About Relationships + Some Other Thoughts on Growth and Evolution

Perception in relationships is something that continues to be a work in progress for me.... People can only see things as far as what they're capable of. Some people only have an average or basic amount of awareness. What's frustrating is when people continually put other people's identity in some sort of box or cage and won't see anything else beyond that. 

The more a person grows and evolves, the more people you'll end up losing people along the way. Let me be more specific with this statement: The more you state your own values and priorities to someone who you know doesn't mesh well with you, the less you're going to get back from that person who believes they feel stuck. For full transparency here, I fully recognize how hard it is to walk away from someone who you know isn't serving a purpose in your life anymore. Mistakes shouldn't be confused with any act of disrespect. Honest mistakes can be reconciled if both people in the relationship are willing to be open and communicate at a level that's less driven by pettiness or negative emotions. Disrespect needs to be dealt with in the same manner, obviously, but it also shouldn't be given any passes. It's okay to stand your ground and recognize your worth. It's okay to let the person know what you're not willing to tolerate in the relationship. Friendships and romantic partnerships alike (and also professional relationships) are allowed to have boundaries; without them, you're basically allowing too much chaos to happen. This honestly needs to be stated more often because I truly feel as if there's too much passiveness in some people, and it makes working with them more difficult. 

The minute you stop being a child is when you are able to think for yourself and form your own opinions about the world around you. This means that age is relative and maturity is what most people look at within others when it comes to whether or not someone is capable enough. This is why it's important to assess early on exactly what your goals and values are in life. You can work on developing these either with a coach/therapist, or you can do it on your own terms. Whatever choice you make is up to you, but with where I'm at now with my own growth personally, I realize that it's okay to allow other people to offer their support. Finding people who can encourage you and want to see you succeed is important if you decide to start taking on a more active role in your life. 

To end this post, I'm going to loosely quote a saying that one of my friends has passed down many times: creating a life by your own design involves a process of healing, creating and becoming. My interpretation of this means that in order to become the person you want to be, you need to not only heal any wounds or traumas that are holding you back, you also need to be proactive and decide/create a vision for what it is you want for yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you want to stand for? What do you want to value, and are your own actions in alignment with that? 

Rejection, Timidness and Having a "False" Identity (Life According to an Introvert)

Every time I've put myself out there because I wanted to make a connection, it's been easier for me to keep people at arm's length and not let them get too close to me. Out of all the times I've sought out a person on my own terms, and not necessarily in a romantic sense, it's because I was in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to allow that relationship to happen organically. I may have made mistakes in those relationships I first took action on, but at least it's helping me to see that it's possible for me to make connections on my own. 

On the other side of the coin, when I allow other people to pursue me first, a number of things could end up happening. Not all of those outcomes are necessarily negative, but in knowing what my weaknesses are (ie. overthinking, caring too much, going down unproductive thought spirals, etc.), I realize that it's in my own power to either give a situation too much of my mental and emotional energy, or to just get lazy because I don't enjoy putting in the effort. I know what my growing pains were when I was younger... I know what my vices have been when it comes to how I show up for others. There are a lot of things in life I can't control. Sometimes, admitting that to myself is very difficult. It fuels this insecurity within me that makes me feel like my worthiness means nothing to the other person, and this puts on display my own lack of self-validation. 

Putting all of this into a simpler perspective, I feel as if the one thing I still struggle with is understanding how much worth I actually have. It's easy for me to lean on whatever vices or bad habits I can find, like perfectionism. Perfectionism has been both a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me over the years because it allows me to put on this face that says I feel good on the outside, but on the inside, I don't feel great at all. I realize that in saying all of this (not that the realization is new or anything), it's just easier for me to cover up my insecurities than it is for me to show up in a way that's real and unfiltered.

My fear of rejection and shy demeanor seems to stem from more than one cause. I know that I've faced rejection in the past; it isn't fun to experience. I know I've learned from these things, but having ADD and a learning disability doesn't make dealing with that process any easier. Trust requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability that can sometimes feel very scary. Eye contact takes a certain amount of comfort and confidence in one's innate abilities to participate with other people. Giving someone their full, undivided attention seems to take more effort because it means putting all other distractions on pause. People seem to be more comfortable in staying within their comfort zone because well, safety and security is what we instinctively become drawn to, but where's the fun in that? 

To wrap up this post, I guess what I judge or project comes from recognizing what humanity's flaws are on a general scale. I get that none of us are perfect, but sometimes, people need to be willing to expose more of their real selves instead of always putting on an act. You're honestly not going to lose much of anything by breaking down your walls. Love is all that people want at the end of the day, and the road to gaining that doesn't have to be achieved in a certain way with any rules or conditions. 

A Letter to Myself When I Experienced My 20's

Growing up becomes more challenging as you get older.... your body feels more tired easily, your memory starts to decrease and you become more comfortable with staying at home as opposed to going out; having ADD, I realize, makes things more difficult sometimes. Of course, there may also be times where you have more energy to do all sorts of fun and creative things; you'll want to spend time with friends or even enjoy your solitude. Being an adult is hard, but I know there's still some youthful energy inside of you. Try your best to hold onto that. 

You've learned a lot. Always try your best to respect your own growth journey. Try to be more present and enjoy the little things, even if other people aren't bothering to notice that themselves. Learn to exercise more care, compassion and balance with yourself and how you navigate the world; you know that God's got your back no matter what. You have such a strong support system behind you as well; don't forget to extend appreciation for them as much as you can. Society may seem harsh or unforgiving at times... There may be moments where it feels like you're being forced to take on more responsibility. It's okay to speak up for yourself and put yourself first. It's honestly quite necessary for you to do that. Your needs matter. How you feel matters; stop allowing other people to convince you otherwise. You're allowed to take up space, and you don't always have to become a doormat for other people to step on or take advantage of. 

I'm proud of you for working on yourself as much as you did. I know it hasn't been easy. I know that having ADD and a learning disability makes things harder sometimes, but the knowledge you've gained through therapy/counseling and other places as well is paying off greatly. I know there have been times where it didn't feel that way and things felt lackluster. I know that you've gone through phases of not caring at all about God's impact on your life. I know you've given yourself headaches, trying to figure out your own sense of worth and purpose from a more "self-centered" perspective. You think too much, but this isn't always a bad thing. You just need to learn how to balance that out with allowing yourself to rest and be in the present moment. You know exactly how to help yourself, and this is the biggest asset you have for setting better habits. It's definitely okay to be proud of yourself for taking the initiative on so many things related to growth and learning. This is the kind of attitude that can help get you far in your own goals in life. You'll figure out what those are at your own pace. 

SPEAKING TO YOU AT AGE 25/26

Even though you've gone through a lot of change and growth, I think it's time you recognize that you don't have to do it all alone. I'm saying this, and yet, I know that I struggle with being too independently-minded still on occasion. Your pride may get bruised or beaten down, but it's better to let people help you when you need it. It's okay if that makes you feel uncomfortable sometimes. Just know that you'd be surprised what might happen the more you open up to others. You've gotten a bit too comfortable with isolation at times, and this hasn't exactly helped you with your mental and emotional health on more than one occasion, so try your best to prioritize self-care and improving or challenging your thoughts. 

Everybody grows at their own pace. Everybody has their own struggles in their own life. Your anger, sadness and frustration blindsides you; it distracts you from seeing the bigger picture of what God has in store for you. At 31 years old now, I realize that this is the reason why you thought it would be easier to just find yourself through other people at times, but doing things that way doesn't always yield better results. If anything, it's made you a little more confused and misguided. You've tried your best. You showed up for yourself and for God at just the right time, even if the things you've been through were difficult and challenging. Go easy on yourself. I'm proud of you. I know that God is proud and loves you as well (as well as Mom and Dad), and it's okay if you can't fathom that at times or feel undeserving of it. That just makes you human. 

Novella: Your Love Has Poisoned Me (Chapters 8 & 9)

CHAPTER 8: LAST DITCH EFFORTS

Once Alex had settled down in her new apartment in Vegas, she realized that she had left something in the hotel room that she and Levi had shared over the summer. Usually, she’s not someone who could be considered careless or forgetful, but of all nights, she realized that it would be a loss if she didn’t have her lucky bracelet with her on this specific night in her new apartment. She tried skimming through her photogenic memory, seeing if she could recover where she left it. It then dawned on her that it must be in one of the dresser drawers. She hurried out of the complex and into her car, and just as she had pulled up into the parking lot of the hotel, she recognized Levi’s car in the next spot over. She studied it with a puzzled look on her face for a moment, then got out of the car to resume her position. She talked to the concierge at the front desk, and then after explaining the situation, the man left the desk for a moment. Once he came back into view, he had a box in his arms full of stuff that other visitors had left behind. “It’s protocol for the maids to report any items that are left behind and return them to this box. Good luck.” Alex rummaged through the box and came up empty. She had a feeling that it was exactly where she said it was, even if the concierge kept trying to insist otherwise. She then had an idea come to her mind. “You know what? I just realized that I need to use the bathroom. Which way would that be?” The man pointed her in the appropriate direction, and just as he walked away from his position and into the room behind him, she went into stealth mode and quickly tried to retrieve the key to the appropriate room she needed access to. Thankfully, nobody noticed her sneaking away, and once she made it to the elevator, she let out a sigh of relief. I can’t believe that worked!, she thought to herself. 

Once Alex opened the door to the hotel room that she and Levi once occupied, she realized that it was completely empty and clean. She opened all of the doors, cabinets and drawers in a desperate frenzy. After realizing that her luck had run out and couldn’t find the bracelet, she slowly made her way towards the door of the room. She ran into Levi on her way out of the hotel, but didn’t say a word to him. Instead, she just glared at him. Levi instinctively thought to himself, I wonder what Alex was doing here… 

Alex could feel her heart pounding from inside her chest. She was starting to get angry, and she knew that the reason for that is because the minute she and Levi crossed paths. It was in that moment when all of the memories of what happened over the summer came flooding back to her. I can’t believe you lied to me, she said to herself. She continued to mutter to herself as she drove away from the hotel and into the night. With no one else on the road and her anger simmering to the surface, she started to unintentionally pick up the pace as she continued to drive. Soon enough, she was going over the speed limit and she felt like she was just aimlessly driving, and her only goal was to be anywhere but here. It wasn’t until she heard a police siren creeping up from behind that she started to come back to reality. She quickly steered herself away from the road and pulled over. A man who was a bit burly in his stature turned on a flashlight and tapped on the glass window of her car. “I need your name and some form of identification,” he said flatly. Alex grabbed her backpack and rummaged through it until she found her wallet. She gave him her ID. “Are you aware that you were driving over the speed limit, Miss Barnett? The minimum is forty-five, and you were clocking eighty.”

“I apologize for that, sir.” 

“Don’t let it happen again. Otherwise, you’ll end up spending the night in jail.”

“I understand.” Once the officer got back in his car, Alex let out a small sigh. She still wasn’t ready to admit that perhaps the problem had less to do with Levi, and more to do with herself for falling for his premeditated proposal. She knew that she could be sentimental sometimes, but is that all she was feeling, or was there more to it? She didn’t want to overthink the situation, but with it being close to 3-o’clock in the morning, she knew she wouldn’t be able to help herself. Her feelings for Levi seemed to stem from more than just shared childhood history. It’s almost as if proposing to her ignited intense, and perhaps naive feelings of romance and desire back then, and thinking about it now made her realize that perhaps she does love him. But he lied to me, she thought to herself. Knowing that she didn’t want to get a speeding ticket or worse, she left her car on the side of the road and walked away from it. She wasn’t sure what to do with herself, but she knew that she didn’t want to sleep. She didn’t want to face the reality of her feelings, so instead, she started walking around in circles. At one point in the night, she screamed loudly because of how confused and frustrated she felt. Once exhaustion finally hit her, she trudged back into the back seat of her car and fell asleep. 

RACHEL: NEW BEGINNINGS

Since that encounter she had with Alex, Rachel was starting to realize that no amount of petty games is going to make her win back her peace of mind. At the same time however, she knew that allowing herself to feel vulnerable would only make moving on feel more difficult. All it took was one look for Alex to realize the truth, and her kindness is something that Rachel would always keep close to her heart. The more she willed herself to think about Alex instead of dwelling on thoughts of Chris and her own brokenness, the more she wanted to be around her again and tell her the whole story. Her feelings of restlessness and exhaustion eventually led her to call up Alex. The two of them had exchanged phone numbers the last time they met up, and once she hit the call button on her cell phone, Alex answered on the second ring. “Hey! How are you doing?”

“I’m doing alright. I was wondering if you’d like to hang out again some time. I really enjoyed catching up with you a while back.”

“I’m glad to hear that! What day did you have in mind?”

“How about this coming Saturday? I usually don't have much planned on the weekends.”

“That’s perfect! I’ll see you then.” After hanging up, Rachel found herself smiling and feeling like her old self for the first time in a while. She decided to take advantage of the good mood she was in and go out to dinner by herself. 

On her way out towards the restaurant, she drove past Chris and Matthew’s firm as well as the cafeteria that stood right next to the building. She tried to take in the view in small bits while driving, and the further out she went, the more free she started to feel. It’s almost as if this night was needed, and as soon as she found the restaurant, she pulled up into the parking lot, put the car in park and walked at a brisk pace to avoid stalling for time. Everything went according to plan, but the one thing she didn’t expect to see out of the corner of her eye was Matthew sitting by himself at a booth. She sighed under her breath, and just as she was seated at a table that was only within a foot’s distance from the booth he was at, a young woman showed up seemingly out of nowhere and took a seat opposite of him. So he’s on a date?, she wondered to herself. This piqued her interest, but she didn’t want to make things awkward for him. The woman had long, blonde hair with platinum undertones, and she could tell that her skin tone didn’t look real or natural, like she had stuck herself in an easy-bake oven. Suddenly she found herself getting lost in thought, but after a few minutes passed, a waiter walked up to her table. “Miss, can I get you something to drink?”

    “I’ll have water with lemon.”

“Coming right up! I’ll be back to take your order soon.” The young man swiftly left the table and Rachel started to peer over towards Matthew’s table again. She couldn’t shake off the image of him being on a date with somebody else. Of course, none of this made her feel jealous or nervous because the two of them were only friends. They’ve been close since college, but the more she allowed herself to think about the situation, she had to wonder if Matthew wanted something more with her. Rachel forced away her gaze, and just in time for the waiter to show again to take her order. Once she told him what she wanted, he took the menu and sat her drink down on the table. He also placed a small bowl of extra lemons next to her glass just in case. For a moment in time, Rachel was able to enjoy herself until she saw Matthew’s date leaving the table. She thought about seizing the moment and coming over just to say hi, but what happened instead is she noticed Matthew looking in her direction. He gave her a playful smirk that basically said all she needed to know. This prompted her to stand up, but before she could make her way over towards his table, his date came back. She thought about sitting back down, but then he motioned for her to come over. A few minutes passed and a different waiter had shown up at her table to hand her a plate full of food. Once he left, she took it with her along with her bundled up cutlery set and glass of water, making her way over towards Matthew’s table. “It’s very nice to see you here, Rachel,” he said in a sing-song tone. I want you to meet my sister, Rebecca. She decided to come over and visit me by surprise.” Hearing him say those words made Rachel feel embarrassed because of what she assumed earlier, but she tried to not let it show. “It’s very nice to meet you, Rebecca.” She extended out a hand to shake hers as a formal greeting then took one of her forks. After enjoying a few savory bites of her dinner, she looked up to see Matthew staring at her. “Can I help you?” she asked after swallowing. Rebecca was looking down at her own plate and seemed to be enjoying her own dinner as well. He started to get nervous and wasn’t sure of what to say, and she noticed him tensing up. Once Rebecca cleaned up her mouth with a napkin, she started to talk. “You really don’t know much about Matthew, do you?” 

“What do you mean? We’ve been friends since college.”

“Well, I already know that, but ever since we entered this restaurant, he hasn’t been able to stop talking about you.” This made Rachel feel slightly embarrassed. She wasn’t sure what prompted Rebecca to talk about this, and when she and Matthew looked at each other, they were quick to dart their eyes in opposite directions. “I think this whole evening so far has been very interesting,” Rebecca said. “Just look at you two! The way y'all act shy around each other is really adorable.” She chuckled at her own comment, but both Rachel and Matthew felt tense and confused. Matthew could feel this heat in his chest rising up, and he started to dig more into his plate of food to help lower his nerves. Rachel did the same, and she didn’t bother to act all prim and proper like usual when eating. She kept her back slightly hunched over, and every time she noticed herself feeling nervous or tense, the bigger bites she would end up taking until her plate was completely empty. Matthew had finished his meal just a couple minutes before she did, and Rebecca just watched the two of them continue to not say anything to each other. She knew she had hit a nerve, but she didn’t think that the romantic tension between her brother and Rachel was this high. She then decided to stand up. “I’m really glad I got a chance to catch up with you, Matthew, and it was good to meet you, Rachel!” Just as she made her way towards the front door of the restaurant, a man rudely brushed past her. Rebecca was too slow to react, but both Rachel and Matthew noticed his stature immediately. It was Chris. Both of them stood up at the same time and had scowls on their faces. “What the hell are you doing here?” Matthew asked. Rachel had her arms crossed together against her chest. “I was just thinking the same thing,” she told Matthew. 

CHRIS: THE APOLOGY

“Look, I know I shouldn’t be barging in here during your little reunion with your sister, but I’ve tried to keep my distance for as long as I can. I just can’t take it anymore!” 

“What are you talking about?” Matthew said, trying to keep his tone soft but still firm. 

“I’m talking about the way you’ve been acting around me. Things have become more distant between us. I don’t understand why. And what are you doing here?” It took a minute for Rachel to realize that his question was directed towards her, and she struggled to get any words out. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Matthew replied sharply. 

“I just don’t want to feel like I’m losing here. I feel like I’m losing my mind!”

“Well, that’s a first.” Rachel gave out a small laugh at Matthew’s comment. 

“This isn’t funny! I want my best friend back. I don’t like being left out to dry like I’m on some island. It just feels like the two of you are mad at me, and I want to apologize. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough,” Rachel started to say. Matthew felt the need to put his arm around Rachel; she didn’t fight against it. “If you want to give me a proper apology, then you’d better try harder. Make it sound sincere, or better yet, just leave me alone. Being around you makes me feel things that I’m tired of feeling. You are exhausting to be around, Chris!” Hearing her say that made him feel all sorts of guilt, remorse, anger and confusion all over again. He couldn’t make sense of anything in his world, but if there’s one thing he’s noticed every time Matthew and Rachel were together, it’s that they could very well start a new life, and one that doesn’t involve him, and knowing that is what was driving him mad the most. “You need to go home,” Matthew said. His voice had a small tremble to it, but with Rachel by his side, he knew exactly what he wanted right then and there. “I mean it, Chris! Go back home. Be with your mother. You’re not wanted here anymore, and I’m not going to tolerate the way you’ve been treating Rachel. I love her.” Just as those last three words left his lips, the reactions that followed were similar for a minute, but then Chris turned his face up into a snarl of anger and disgust. There was no hesitation in his steps as he stormed out of the restaurant. Once he left the scene, Matthew and Rachel both felt shivers crawling up their spine and arms, but after the moment passed, they turned towards each other and kissed each other. 

CHAPTER 9: SWEET SURPRISES & DARK SECRETS

Once Saturday came around, Alex and Rachel decided to go out and spend the day together. The two women started out by going out to a local cafe outside of the city, and then headed out to the mall afterwards. During their time together, Rachel shared everything that happened with Chris and Matthew, and Alex’s reactions were nothing short of comforting and supportive. “I really hate that you had to deal with Chris’ drama, but I’m really glad that you and Matthew have finally decided to get together. I just don’t understand men who decide to play games or make up lies. It’s not right.”

    “I completely agree with you on that!” Rachel nodded in perfect timing to the things Alex was ranting on about, and from what she was able to understand, it sounded as if Alex had some troubles of her own. She didn’t need to hear all of the details, but instead of interjecting with any rude remarks, she just continued to nod her head and allowed Alex to carry on until she was done. “You know what? I just remembered that I need to make a phone call. Do you mind if I step out for a minute, Alex?”

    “Oh, sure.” Once both women parted through the exit, they went their separate ways. Rachel ended up dialing Matthew’s cell phone and he answered on the first ring. “Hey, how are things going with your new girlfriend?” Rachel took in a slow breath before answering. “I’m not sure if she’s going to stay my friend in all honesty. She talks a lot, which I don’t have a problem with. If anything, I feel as if her problems with this one guy she used to be engaged to are only going to continue dragging her down. I don’t need that kind of second-hand drama in my life.” 

“I understand that completely. Should I pick you up then?”

“I drove myself here, so I don’t mind driving myself back.”

“If you swing by my apartment before heading back to yours, then I have a surprise for you.” Matthew always knew how to gauge Rachel’s interest, but because he wouldn’t give her any hints, she had no choice but to accept his request. After one last attempt of trying to flirt with her over the phone, Rachel hung up and drove down to Matthew’s apartment. She wasn’t sure what to expect, and the excitement she was feeling made her feel giddy on the inside. However, once the door to his apartment opened, all of those feelings went away because she remembered that this apartment was once shared with someone she didn’t care to be around anymore. She tried to push away her feelings of discomfort, and thankfully, Matthew’s presence helped her with that as well. “So I have news for you, and I want you to sit down,” he said in a cryptic tone. Suddenly, Rachel started to feel both excited and nervous. “Tell me!” she exclaimed. 

“So in addition to finally finding a suitable house for the two of us to live in because I really hate this apartment complex, I’ve also decided to take up the firm just for myself to own. With Chris finally living with his mother again and being out of our lives, I just want to have a fresh start, you know? It was my idea anyway to start up the firm. But the bigger news that I have is something that involves less talking on my part.” He turned his back, and Rachel was starting to feel nervous. She had no idea where this was headed, and so to help ease her nerves, she placed her hand on her stomach. For some reason, doing that made her feel nauseous and lightheaded, but she didn’t think anything of it for a moment. It wasn’t until Matthew turned to face Rachel again that she started to realize what was happening. “Am I pregnant?”

“Yes. But that’s not all!” Matthew placed a small, blue box next to her leg as well as an envelope. His eyes gave away exactly how he was feeling, but he wanted her to open up both of the gifts before he said anything. She started with the blue box first. Inside was a ring and she immediately placed it on her ring finger. “It’s beautiful. Thank you,” she said with a tender smile. 

“Now you can open the envelope,” Matthew replied. It was a note, which read:

I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, Rachel. In addition to us finally being engaged and expecting our first child, I want to also give you the opportunity to move with me to Tokyo. I’ve finally saved up enough money for me to hire a team for the firm, which allows me to do more of my work remotely now. The house I’ve been looking at in Japan is perfect for our new life together. Ultimately, I really just want to start fresh and enjoy being in a new city. I hope you’ll say yes to this offer.

Rachel was stunned speechless for a moment after reading the note, but after taking it all in, she reached for Matthew’s hands and told him yes. The two of them shared a long hug together, which eventually led to them wanting to head back into Matthew’s bedroom together. However, both of them knew that the memories of this one apartment space would hold them back from wanting to get too close. “Would you rather just go to my apartment?” Rachel asked. “There’s more space and less baggage tied to it.”

“Gladly. But before we leave, there’s one more thing I want to do here. I’ll meet you outside in a bit.” Matthew had already sold most of the stuff he brought with him to this current complex that he had to share with Chris. However, there was one thing that he couldn’t bring himself to part with. Matthew opened the nightstand drawer in his bedroom to retrieve a letter. The letter held a secret that both he and Chris have kept to themselves since childhood. 

CHRIS & MATTHEW: MEMORIES UNLOCKED

When Chris arrived home, his first instinct was to just crash into bed and not talk to his mother. He felt defeated. He felt like he had lost the one person in life he thought he could trust. Why did you have to shut me out like that?, he thought to himself. He and Matthew had been through a lot together, and now his best friend wants nothing to do with him. Thinking about the situation made him feel empty on the inside. Just as he was about to walk out the back door of his mother’s house, he remembered something. The memory came to him, but instead of taking comfort in it, he started to scream in fits of rage and sorrow. 

For a while before making the decision to head off to college with Matthew, Chris had to take up more responsibility and help out his mother as she struggled to provide for him and for herself. She eventually had to give up all the work she had put in with her two jobs because her health was failing. The doctors said it was cancer, and while some of what she was experiencing could be delayed with different medicines, they both knew that she wasn’t fit to keep working and would eventually need to be taken into intensive care if things were to get worse. With Chris’ father out of the picture and no other siblings, Chris was desperate in his efforts to graduate from law school and start up his own firm so that he could not only make a name for himself, but to also save up enough money to help with whatever surgeries were needed for his mother. At the time, Matthew knew this and came up with the idea of them working together as a team. Chris remembered telling Matthew the situation with his mother the day before leaving for college. All he said was that the two of them would find a way to figure this out together. No other details came up to the surface, and he remembered trying to negotiate with Matthew. He tried every underhanded tactic in the book, and every time, Matthew just told him the same thing every time. The more Chris pushed the subject, the more his best friend would grow annoyed and impatient with him. It’s almost as if Matthew just didn’t care, and just as Chris was about to give up, he remembered a secret that Matthew shared with him when they were kids. He swore that he would never resort to blackmail, but in knowing what his best friend told him, he realized that if he can’t have his way, then perhaps he can level with Matthew this way. 

TWO DECADES AGO (in Rural New Jersey) 

“I know this may sound very childish, but I don’t want to get married. The thought of it scares me and girls are gross,” said young Matthew. At the time of him saying this back in kindergarten, Chris knew that he and Matthew would remain best friends. “And don’t tell anybody this either, but if both of us promise to stay single, then I won’t tell anybody about you being the class weirdo. That big kid who likes to intimidate you doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway.” 

    “Thanks. You’re pretty cool as well.” The two boys smiled at each other for a moment then continued playing in the sandbox. They didn’t say anything else, but they didn’t need to. 

PRESENT DAY 

The innocence of childhood always left a fond memory for Matthew, but in knowing what he knows now about Chris, he kind of had to wonder what drove him to say those things. It wasn’t so much that he was trying to appear cool to him, but was that actually the case? Somewhere deep inside his subconscious mind, he felt this unexplained fear. Would Chris actually use this childish secret of mine against me?, he thought to himself. We were in kindergarten. People change; he needs to accept that. Matthew was starting to get lost in thought, and then he pulled out his phone unconsciously. He started to look up Chris’ number and pressed his cell phone against his ear. He answered on the third ring. “I want you to listen to me loud and clear here. What was said during our time in kindergarten stays in kindergarten. If you do so much as to bring up what I said to anybody, I will come back to haunt you. No joke. Do you understand me, Chris?”

“Oh, I understand you just fine, but your secret is still safe with me. And I hope you realize that I’m not afraid of you. You’re a fraud. You turned your back on me. I just hope you know deep down that what you want going forward is something you won’t be able to keep up with, and once everything you’ve worked for comes crashing down, I’ll be the one to have the last laugh.” Matthew started to shiver a bit at Chris’ words, and in that moment, his lips started to curl up into a snarl. He furrowed his brows. “You know what? Good luck with your pathetic life. I can’t believe I ever stuck out my neck for you. Goodbye.” He immediately hung up the call after making his last statement. Under his breath, Chris snidely said, I could say the same with you, buddy. The emotions he was facing were still raw, and to the point of feeling as if he’s lost more than a best friend. This was enough to convince him that he and Matthew were now traitors to each other. 

After the call had ended, Chris walked back into his mother’s house. She slowly appeared to him and took a good look at him. She then realized that he needed her now more than ever. However, her frail disposition brought a small tear to Chris’ face. The minute she invited him into her arms, he held her for a moment and then decided to haul her into his truck and drove over to the hospital. He knew that she wouldn’t be able to live much longer. Once he arrived, he asked for an ER specialist and decided that it was time. She was first placed under anesthesia so that she wouldn’t feel anything. Once he saw the flat lines on the EKG monitor, she was sent off to the morgue in a gurney with her body completely covered. Watching the whole process made Chris realize all he has left now is himself, but the anger and resentment that he’s kept inside of him no longer seemed to matter. Once he came back to his mother’s small, but comfortable home, he crashed down onto the couch, curled up into a ball and sobbed until he fell asleep. 

My Final Testimony (Coming Back to Jesus)

 Confusion is something that happens in my life more often than not. Confusion and overthinking is what led me to believe that I could live without God when I first entered my 20's. I didn't understand a lot about Him, and because I was allowing my emotions to dictate my train of thought, I ended up rejecting Him early on. 

My identity outside of my disability has been a work in progress for me. I've always enjoyed learning. I still have mostly fond memories of my time in high school, and I especially enjoyed my English classes. Naturally, I'd say that writing became an outlet for me once I turned 16. It's crazy to think how much time has passed since I first started this blog. So who was I if I wasn't keeping myself busy with schoolwork or blogging? I never questioned my mental disabilities when I was younger, but I know I've felt left out at times because sometimes, I had to be separated from my friends and take specialized classes for people with impairments or disabilities. 

Turning 20 honestly imposed a lot of challenges on me. I wasn't ready to grow up. I wasn't ready to face a lot of things on my own; I'm grateful for all the support that my parents have given me over the years, and to this day, I still try my best to remain grateful. I've learned a lot about myself through various relationships, but not all of them were romantic. Different people at work have helped to shape who I am. Any other people that I've sought out, whether in person or online, have also challenged me to look inward more and really figure out some tough questions that most people would struggle to answer within a single lifespan. So where did God fit into this puzzle? Why exactly did I push away and reject Him for so long? Well, I think the reason for that is because I was holding onto a lot of shame, guilt and frustration for knowing my own weaknesses and mental deficiencies. My character is my own to define, or at least, that's what various people have told me, but none of that seemed to be enough for me to keep going. Everything that I do, every choice I make and every thought I have is something that's just part of my own consciousness. That's what some people keep telling me, but honestly, who says that our identities have to be limited to our own mental, physical and emotional abilities or capabilities? 

Overthinking or over-analyzing can only get a person so far in life. Yes, we have so much "potential" that we could tap into. The US is a very abundant and affluent place to live in, but there's another part of our health that gets sorely overlooked: our spiritual health. Do you believe that God exists? A lot of people like to push traditional boundaries and find their own path within the more modern realm of spirituality; I'm not going to knock on or judge those principles, but believing that there's a Creator who has willed everything into existence, and has a power that's beyond what any human being can understand... I can say that I wholeheartedly believe in that now. Everything that the Bible talks about isn't just stories or fables. They're blueprints that help to guide humanity and give a sense of direction on how to live a life that's in alignment with what He sees and values. 

My purpose lies in His hands now. The more I pray and remind myself of how much God loves me for who I am even if I fall short sometimes, the more I'm able to recognize my worth- and not with my own set of eyes anymore. It's honestly quite freeing to realize that all I have to do is just be me, and God can help steer me in the right direction in any situation. His trust doesn't need to be earned nor do we have to come up with some formulated blueprint of what we think is required to know who God is. I've tried doing Christianity from that perspective, and it just doesn't work. There's a difference between spirituality and religion. I hope hearing my insights and reading this testimony can help inspire you in some way. Thanks for reading! 

Personal Reflections & Goals: Hobbies & Passions

My hobbies are for my own sense of peace and satisfaction, but making time for them isn't always easy. There are a lot of things I enjoy doing for fun- reading, blogging, doing puzzles, sketching, playing the piano or just spending time with my 2 cats. 

I've struggled a lot to identify what it is that I feel passionate about over the years. I have ADD, so it's hard enough to keep myself focused on the bigger picture sometimes or to not get distracted by things. I know that fashion is something I've always held a passion for. I also know that self-expression is important to me in general. I love writing. I love posting different musings, stories or other interests I have onto this blog. 

I've circled through a lot of different topics onto this blog, like fashion, minimalism, anime or any other shows/movies I've watched. I know I've also talked about other lifestyle related things, like health and wellness. I've learned a lot about myself because of me talking about all these different interests I have, and I'm glad that I have this blog as a time capsule of sorts to help document my growth as a person. 

There is no definitive conclusion I have for this particular post, but I do know that for a while at least, I've been inactive here on my blog. I'm going to start changing that. If there are any small goals I have going forward, it's not only to start blogging again (generally speaking), but also to start thinking more creatively again when it comes to what kind of content I want to make. I think that going forward, I want to start being more open and spontaneous when it comes to what it is I decide to write about. Writing stories takes up a lot of time, but there are still certain aspects of the process that I enjoy. I'm sure I'll find more inspiration on things to write about as time goes on, but for now, this post is going to act as a spring board for more creative growth and spontaneity!