Confusion is something that happens in my life more often than not. Confusion and overthinking is what led me to believe that I could live without God when I first entered my 20's. I didn't understand a lot about Him, and because I was allowing my emotions to dictate my train of thought, I ended up rejecting Him early on.
My identity outside of my disability has been a work in progress for me. I've always enjoyed learning. I still have mostly fond memories of my time in high school, and I especially enjoyed my English classes. Naturally, I'd say that writing became an outlet for me once I turned 16. It's crazy to think how much time has passed since I first started this blog. So who was I if I wasn't keeping myself busy with schoolwork or blogging? I never questioned my mental disabilities when I was younger, but I know I've felt left out at times because sometimes, I had to be separated from my friends and take specialized classes for people with impairments or disabilities.
Turning 20 honestly imposed a lot of challenges on me. I wasn't ready to grow up. I wasn't ready to face a lot of things on my own; I'm grateful for all the support that my parents have given me over the years, and to this day, I still try my best to remain grateful. I've learned a lot about myself through various relationships, but not all of them were romantic. Different people at work have helped to shape who I am. Any other people that I've sought out, whether in person or online, have also challenged me to look inward more and really figure out some tough questions that most people would struggle to answer within a single lifespan. So where did God fit into this puzzle? Why exactly did I push away and reject Him for so long? Well, I think the reason for that is because I was holding onto a lot of shame, guilt and frustration for knowing my own weaknesses and mental deficiencies. My character is my own to define, or at least, that's what various people have told me, but none of that seemed to be enough for me to keep going. Everything that I do, every choice I make and every thought I have is something that's just part of my own consciousness. That's what some people keep telling me, but honestly, who says that our identities have to be limited to our own mental, physical and emotional abilities or capabilities?
Overthinking or over-analyzing can only get a person so far in life. Yes, we have so much "potential" that we could tap into. The US is a very abundant and affluent place to live in, but there's another part of our health that gets sorely overlooked: our spiritual health. Do you believe that God exists? A lot of people like to push traditional boundaries and find their own path within the more modern realm of spirituality; I'm not going to knock on or judge those principles, but believing that there's a Creator who has willed everything into existence, and has a power that's beyond what any human being can understand... I can say that I wholeheartedly believe in that now. Everything that the Bible talks about isn't just stories or fables. They're blueprints that help to guide humanity and give a sense of direction on how to live a life that's in alignment with what He sees and values.
My purpose lies in His hands now. The more I pray and remind myself of how much God loves me for who I am even if I fall short sometimes, the more I'm able to recognize my worth- and not with my own set of eyes anymore. It's honestly quite freeing to realize that all I have to do is just be me, and God can help steer me in the right direction in any situation. His trust doesn't need to be earned nor do we have to come up with some formulated blueprint of what we think is required to know who God is. I've tried doing Christianity from that perspective, and it just doesn't work. There's a difference between spirituality and religion. I hope hearing my insights and reading this testimony can help inspire you in some way. Thanks for reading!
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