A Rebel at Heart

 I'm only one year into my 30's, but if there's one thing that's apparent with me no matter what, it's that it's never easy for me to walk a straight and narrow line in life. I've done a lot of exploration of different topics and mediums, and I know that as a result, my blog has taken on different directions over the years. In some ways, you could say that I've come full circle since my mind is multi-faceted. I started this blog so that I can have an outlet; I still see things that way now. 

In reality, I'm a very private person. It's not easy for me to open up and be vulnerable with others, but I do appreciate it when people genuinely ask how I'm doing. I appreciate forming genuine connections with other people. On the other side of the coin, I'm not afraid to say exactly what's on my mind without sugarcoating things. I like to keep things real and raw, and I know that this aids to my benefit when it comes to my creative side. 

This post doesn't really have any rhyme or reason, but I wanted to make it anyways. I've come a long way, but I know I still have a lot of life left ahead of me. I know that in many ways, writing and blogging has had a very cathartic effect on me. My emotions can be better expressed and processed in writing; that honestly hasn't changed with me. It takes a very special person for me to come out of my shell and bare out my heart. I know who that person is, but then again, I'm someone who highly values my own privacy. I know that this blog could easily lead a person to think otherwise. I guess to some extent, the way I create content is different from how other people create content. I don't like to shy away from stating my opinions, but at the same time, not everything in my life needs to be made public. I feel like I've finally come to understand that fine line and uphold some sense of balance. 

So when referring to the title of this post, a few thoughts come to mind. I do consider myself a rebel at heart, but to what extent? Well, I know I've been careless and reckless plenty of times, but that's not exactly part of what I feel makes me a rebel. I think a lot of it has to do with my mindset and how I choose to live my life. I know that I believe in God, but at the same time, I tend to hold a very progressive stance on the matter. I don't like to see things from this simplistic or black and white perspective. For me, I carry this belief that you can never learn too much in life. Humans are meant to evolve, grow and change. I love taking on new challenges, and if I ever find myself in the position of feeling too comfortable, I'll find a way to change things up. Sometimes, change can allow you to gain a new perspective on life. I know that change isn't easy to adapt to for most people, but it's just a necessary part of life. We may be made in God's image, but when it comes to living on earth, there's more than one option when it comes to navigating the ups and downs of life.

Because this post is merely just a collection of different thoughts I have on my growth as a person, I'm going to wrap this up by saying that being a rebel at heart isn't necessarily a bad thing. God knows me inside and out, and I know what I want to stand for. There may have been a point in time where I've invited too much chaos into my mind, and there may have been times where I've been the one to create chaos from confusion in one way or another. Either way, at least I can say I'm still standing. I definitely feel a sense of pride and happiness in who I've become, so to those of you who are reading this, I hope that you can find some sense of hope or comfort in my words. Or if not, then perhaps you can at least gain better insight on what kind of person I am. 

ADHD and Boredom

There have been plenty of moments where I’ve had this lackluster feeling, or like I can’t find anything else to do with my time. It’s one thing where you realize that there are bigger things that need to be checked off that you’re avoiding, but that’s a separate issue in itself. For me, boredom can feel like this unconscious, restless feeling or sensation. It makes it hard for me to concentrate or maintain focus on the things I truly want to get done. On other days, this can feel like I’m holding onto this weight within my head, but pinpointing the cause doesn’t always come easy. 

When someone with ADHD is experiencing boredom, this can lead to a lot of different outcomes for entertainment. Since I have the inattentive-type of ADHD (or better known as ADD), my focus can sometimes be put into hyper-speed, and I start going down rabbit holes on the Internet or on YouTube. Sometimes the things I binge watch can be fashion-related content, and other times, I can binge-watch a bunch of minimalism content, which then triggers my impulsive drive and I start to take on a bunch of decluttering or organizing projects within my space. This is basically the pattern of how I started my own decluttering journey, and while I’d say I’m finally in a place where I don’t need to declutter as often as I used to, I still like to make it habit whenever it’s needed in order to maintain a clutter-free space. 

Some of my most intense rabbit holes can involve me binge-watching a TV show until 2 in the morning. Whenever I do this, especially on nights where my boredom is getting in the way of sleep, I never end up feeling fully rested the next day. Thankfully, this habit doesn’t happen as often as it used to when I was in my 20’s. I honestly spent a lot of my time binge-watching a little too much in my 20’s now that I’m thinking about it. Nowadays, I try to be more mindful of how much time I spend on platforms like Netflix, DisneyPlus and/or YouTube. I could honestly go into more depth with how I’ve been able to pull the brakes on this one habit, but I’ll save that for another time. 

This post, along with the others I’m making in this series, are heavily inspired by this one channel on YouTube called How to ADHD. I’ve learned a lot of valuable information from the channel so far, but I still have a lot of research and additional learning to do in order to pump out more content on this topic. There’s a lot to learn and understand when it comes to recognizing this condition for what it is, and the symptoms that come with it vary from person to person. Of course, I’m not a professional; I’m just sharing my own experiences and how ADHD affects my own life. I hope you can gain some value or insight out of this, and thanks for reading! 

RESOURCE: How to ADHD YouTube channel link: https://www.youtube.com/c/howtoadhd

When Words Fail, Music Speaks (Personal Update)

If I could describe the state of my mental health throughout the past month up until this week, I'd say it's been rough. I've learned a lot about myself. God has been working inside of me a lot, and because of Him, I've changed. No embellishments or exaggerations; God has transformed my heart into something that's bigger and better than ever! 

It may take a bit more time before I feel ready to discuss this journey in full detail, but if there's one thing I'm willing to share, it's a small playlist of songs that have helped me to make sense of what's been going on inside of me. Each of these songs hold a special meaning to me for different reasons, and I thought it'd be worth it to share a quick analysis of each song. 

1. Separate Ways (cover) by Daughtry and Halestorm- Breakups and separations aren't easy, but what's even more difficult is realizing that sometimes, it takes more time than most to really get over somebody that you still love. Sometimes, certain people really touch your heart in ways that are hard to describe. The tone of this song can sometimes feel sad and heavy, but other times, it might have a more lamenting tone to it. It really just depends on how you feel when you hear this song. 

2. Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran- If you have any vices or habits that only lead to you spiraling backwards, well then, that's this song in a nutshell. However, I feel like there's another layer to this song that not a lot of people would consider, and it's how trauma bonding works. If you've ever been in a relationship that wasn't good for you, have you considered what made you feel drawn to that person in the first place? Sometimes, the habits we carry internally can affect the next relationship we get into, and this song perfectly illustrates that. 

Before I continue on and list out more songs, I want to quickly disclose that if you're currently in a relationship that's bad for you, please DO NOT continue ignoring those warning signs! For some, it may be harder to tell. It's very easy to misjudge people, and social media has this tendency to only make this problem worse. Every person has their own flaws and faults. It never hurts to educate yourself on what's real and what's not when it comes to a person's warning signs, but, please, NEVER trust what social media has to say on the matter. 

3. End Game by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran & Future)- Have you ever met someone who just carries this mysterious aura, and you just can't help but feel drawn to it? Or maybe you've heard rumors about this person, and your first instinct is to ignore them and find out for yourself if this person is worth the risk or not. Taylor's songwriting talents are honestly unmatched, but with this song in particular, I feel like she just perfectly explains and describes the feelings that come with finding someone who can fulfill this "power couple" type of dynamic. 

4. Warning Signs by Alex G (now known as Alex Blue; YouTube Artist)- This whole song is honestly so beautifully written, but my favorite line is "twisting what she knows is right" as sung in the chorus. That line right there just perfectly describes what happens when someone's views of reality have been challenged more than enough times. It can make a person feel like they're going insane. What's real anymore? Am I really living, or have I just created a fabricated version of life in my head? 

5. The Hardest Thing by Tyler Ward- Soul mates and twin flames aren't the same thing, but the pain that comes with having to move on without that person can definitely feel impossible sometimes. With twin flames, this means that a person will come into someone's life to help them learn something about themselves, and the connection between the two individuals doesn't have to be romantic. Soul mates, on the other hand, become a mirror of you on a deeper level. They stay not just in your heart, but also in your soul. The way Tyler describes the pain of not having that deep connection anymore is very raw and real; you can just hear it in the way he sings. 

6. What It's Like to Be Lonely by Tyler Ward- While this song has a similar theme to Ed Sheeran's song "Bad Habits", the musical tone of this is definitely more somber and serious. In all honesty, I'd say that this is a more raw depiction of what loneliness really feels like. Time could continue to pass by, but sometimes, that empty feeling just stops you in your tracks and you're not sure what to do with it. This is the kind of loneliness that's the hardest to get through because it reminds you of how much love you still hold in your heart. 

7. Requiem (Original Broadway Version by Laura Dreyfuss) from Dear Evan Hansen- In reality, some people really can be cruel and uncaring. It's an unfortunate part of having to live among other human beings and figuring out what love actually is in the midst of pain, anger, hurt and trauma. For some, love isn't an easy thing to express. For others, love may mean having to pick up your own broken pieces and to stop avoiding reality. I feel like part of me has finally come to understand this song, but then again, I can't say that I know for certain what it means to have a relationship with someone who is beyond repair. Human nature, in God's image at least, is seen as perfect. However, not everybody believes in God, and honestly, I feel as if that's only part of the problem.