Specific Lessons I've Learned This Year

1. We all have our weaknesses when it comes to social interactions, and we all have our limits as well when dealing with people with different personalities and characteristics. 

2. We all have to deal with stress at some point as well as drama. People always say that you can’t avoid drama and while that may be true, you still have a choice as to whether or not you want to continue getting involved with that. 

3. Always maintain some sense of self-awareness. Be aware of how you act in each and every environment you’re in; be aware of how you act and treat other people. Be aware of the choices you make consciously or subconsciously, and do the best you can to own up to your mistakes.

 
4. Just do the best you can and treat yourself kindly; no one’s expecting you to get things right all the time. No one is ever perfect and everybody makes mistakes; it’s what makes you human. 

5. It’s okay to say no and make time for yourself. However, it's not okay to project your insecurities onto others and expect them to do everything you want.

6. Be the kind of change you want to see in everyone else. It's second nature for some people to be negative and you can't blame them or make them change their outlook on life. 

7. Learn to respect people's differences in opinions or in personality. There's only one you on this earth and nobody else is going to be like you; there's no way for anybody to conform to your liking.

8. Forgiveness is what saves a relationship of any sort. If you can't forgive someone who's done you wrong, then you won't be better off later down the line. And if someone else is able to forgive you for any wrongdoings you may have caused, use that to build yourself back up as best as you can. Second chances can sometimes be hard to find these days, so it's always best to appreciate it whenever it comes your way. 

9. When people criticize you, do the best you can to learn from it despite how it makes you feel. If you continue to let that criticism effect you negatively, you won't have much of a leg to stand on- there's usually always a reason why people criticize you anyways.

What Does It Mean to "Feel Depressed"? + Other Thoughts on Depression

Feeling depressed is completely different from being depressed- I can't stress that enough. At this point in my life however, I can feel the symptoms of my depression, but what confuses me is this: do I actually have clinical depression, or is it just seasonal/situational? Do my feelings of depression only show up when I continually avoid what I really need to do in order to heal myself both mentally and physically? My mental health may not be stable at times, but it usually doesn't happen on a constant basis. To be frank here, I feel as if being at that vocational school has really challenged me to see what my disabilities do to me on days where I'm just not feeling like myself.

I've never been professionally diagnosed with clinical depression, but I do have a deep understanding for those who do have some form of depression in general. We all know the statistics here; 1 out 3 people in the world will fall into depression. Some might need medication to help deal with it, but others may not want to go down that route- it all depends on the individual.

Feeling depressed is exactly what it looks and sounds like- one minute you're in an intense amount of pain or discomfort, the next minute you're back to normal. Feelings come and go; none of us are meant to stay in one emotional state for long. However, the difference to be aware of here is how long you hold onto the intensity of your emotions. Some people (including myself) have a harder time letting go of their negative emotions and focusing more on the positive ones.

"Overcoming" or "healing" depression is something you have to do continuously and put effort into every time. You don't just go through the process once then say you're healed for life; it doesn't work like that. Life doesn't stop for anyone no matter how old your are or how much experience you have. Once you find the right tools suited for you however and get some good, healthy practice in, you'll find yourself managing your depression better. 

YouTube Artists: Their Original Music

I feel like YouTube musicians in general don't get enough credit for their original songs. Most viewers these days seem to constantly ask for them to cover this and that, but what makes a good musician in my honest opinion is their songwriting skills when creating their own original music. So with that being said, I'm going to name off some artists who have embraced that.

Sam Tsui: TRUST (album)
Favorite tracks: Cameo, Trust, Impatience

Landon Austin: Timeless, Bad For Me (singles)
Other releases: Landon Austin EP, Polar Paradise, Sundress

Boyce Avenue: ROAD LESS TRAVELED (album)
Favorite Tracks: Ride the Wave, Be Somebody, Cinderella, Anchor

Jonathan Young: Bait (single)
Other releases: Honeymoon, Restless Heart, The Beat, If This Ship Sinks

Tyler Ward: Your Instagram, Tonight This Ends (singles)
Favorite Singles/Albums: The Rescue, Better, Honestly, Yellow Boxes (EP), Hello. Love. Heartbreak (EP), Random Recordings

Nick Pitera: Stairwells
This album is fairly old at this point, but I still wanted to mention it because all of the songs on it are just amazing. He's also written one song on his Christmas album called "Santa Please" and I love it so much!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Peter Hollens- Ashland's Song, Sleepwalking

Malinda Kathleen Reese- Last First Love

The Truth About My Relationship

The person I am now is obviously very different from who I was 3 or 4 years ago. With that being said however, I feel as if I'll never get over this personal transformation I've been through simply because I feel like I am a better person now than I was then. At the same time however, when it comes to my dating life, I do believe that I could have done a lot better.

Sometimes I have these lingering thoughts in the back of my head that say "you deserve a love that isn't this challenging. You may genuinely love him and he may feel the same way, but the two of you still have a long ways to go- plus you've done a lot of hurtful things to him." The thoughts go on and on and if I'm being honest here, I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve someone who's so kind, patient and understanding towards me. Be it, the worst of what we've been through is in the past now and for the most part, I have moved on from that phase of our relationship. It just strikes me as funny how this is the only real relationship I've been in and for the first year and a half, it definitely felt more toxic than it does now.

I've come close to cheating on him once, then knowingly did it a second time two months afterwards only to come back to him moments later because this other guy I was getting to know dumped me. Not only that, but in the first year of our relationship, I blamed him for a lot of things that simply weren't his doing, but were primarily my doing. It's like every time I did something that he believed to be wrong, I would automatically deny it and say "I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't said this or that". This is honestly just a surface explanation of everything we've been through. Some things are meant to be private, but one more thing that I can reveal is that I was emotionally manipulative towards him in the first year of us dating. I kind of find it weird though that I had that ability inside of me. It's like for every good thing he did for me, I would end up doing something to ruin it. That one quality our relationship had back then is something I hardly ever think about now.

So for the most part now however, I've become more mature with how I handle my boyfriend's criticism towards my behavior. He knows me well enough to know when I don't sound like myself or if I start to throw a fit of frustration. Despite me saying all of this though, I wouldn't say that we were always bonded together. I can remember when he broke things off with me this one time, but I can't remember why exactly (we can probably just assume though that it was because of how I acted towards him). I can also remember going through a couple moments of separation, but we still talked to each other as just friends. That was probably the hardest thing for both of us to get through, and needless to say that that phase didn't last long for us. We knew deep down that we just wanted to be together despite everything we had been through back then. What really didn't help with this though was that his friends were judging me for how I was treating him, and I kept wanting him to stay instead of just asking him to leave, even though I have tried that a few times. I can still remember to this day all those talks of encouragement, telling him that he should just listen to his heart and not let his friends' judgments get in the way.

Looking back on two years ago, I ended up in a state of intense remorse and regret. I didn't know how to deal with it, so that lead to a series of break-ups on my end, but some of them didn't stick with us. He kept pushing on as hard as he could simply because he was finally able to see just how damaged and weak I was feeling. All he wanted to do was help me to see that I'm worth it in the end, but of course, I had an even more difficult time believing it in that time back then. Talking to him on any level just felt painful and would drive me to tears, but it wasn't until last year that I finally forgave myself and decided to trust him on a more personal level.

I know what most people in society would think about a relationship like ours. They would say "how are they still together?" or "that poor young man probably doesn't have a high opinion of himself to be toughing it out for that long". You know what I have to say about that, though? I DON'T CARE. I never expect people to fully understand what we've been through together or separately as individuals. We might have endured a lot of pain and suffering, but because of all of that, it has brought us closer together now. I know that I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel genuinely grateful every day to be with someone who's able to see my worth deep down. I feel incredibly lucky to have someone in my life who reminds me of how important I am and encourages me to be a better person now than I was back then. However unpleasant those memories of the past are, I do the best I can to just move forward and let myself heal from all the damage that's been done; it's the least I can do to help better myself.

The Mix of Religion & Mental Illness

The minute I felt that Christianity was no longer serving me is when I starting feeling more negative about myself instead of positive. Mind you, part of me was already aware of my thought patterns back then, but I didn't understand the reason behind of my feelings until later in life. My thought process has always been a little slow, but even when looking at where I am now, I still would remain firm in my decision to NOT go back to Christianity. I just feel as if it puts a limit on my potential in what I can and cannot do for myself.

I realize now that I probably had early signs of depression not because of any particular person I met, but mainly because I just didn't feel right with myself as I continued on with Christianity. I wasn't able to feel confident, I questioned things more instead of just trusting the "god" I looked up to, and I felt more attracted to things that fulfilled my own sense of personal pleasure.

In some ways, I feel like I've had this mentality of needing be perfect upon becoming an Atheist, but it didn't hit me until a few months ago that I'm just not wired that way. I see my flaws now and I realize that they just make up a small part of who I am as an individual. It's taken me a long time to heal from all the damage I've put upon myself and other people, but for the most part, I'd say I'm getting better at seeing that balance inside of me.

So from my experiences at least, I'd say that I'm better off without Christianity. All it did was just create more hurt and negativity inside my own headspace. Be it, I still sometimes struggle with negative thoughts either because of my own depression or because of how I handle certain situations, but as long as I remind myself that I'm only human and can't be perfect all the time, I know I'll get through whatever tough times I face. Sometimes it just takes time for certain wounds to heal, so the main thing I just need to do is be patient with myself.

Signs of Toxicity in School Environments

The only reason why I'm bringing this up is because sometimes, it's hard to feel like yourself when your surroundings are mostly negative. I've seen a lot of articles on the Internet that typically revolve around toxicity in the work place, but that's not the only environment that comes to mind when I think of a place that feels toxic. School is another place that can most likely give off negative vibes, and in most cases, it could be because of the students. However, I know that in other cases, it could be because of the teachers or administrators.

So I'd say the main thing that can make a school feel toxic is drama and gossip. Whether if it'd be about the teachers or even the students, if the gossip is constant and people just can't let go of how they feel about a situation, then that can highly effect everyone else around them. No one likes to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed just because you or someone else is holding onto something they don't have control over, so that's why it's always best to try and let it go. However, if you can't do that for more than an hour at the least while you're still there, then perhaps it's best to move onto a better place.

Those who create drama and try sucking other people into their problems can also contribute to the toxicity of a school environment. A harsh reality we have to face when dealing with human interaction is that some people are just unaware of their actions and how it effects other people. There's only so much that a single person can do to say no and avoid drama, but if you've tried everything already and you still feel hung up on a certain situation, then maybe it's time to let go and move on.

Excessive rules that seem unreasonable or just aren't in the official handbook could also be another contributing factor to a toxic school environment. And as helpful as most teachers can be sometimes, some teachers in particular can be too preachy, forceful or impatient when dealing with their students. In other cases, some teachers can even say they want things done a certain way and don't allow much room for other options. Whatever flaws teachers have, sometimes it's more important to try and look past it. However, if a teacher or administrator ever becomes too difficult to work with because of their attitude or the way they treat you, then it might be best to report their behavior then leave.

No one should ever make you feel like you have a commitment to keep to some place if you don't feel comfortable in the school you're at. It's okay to say no and try something different. No one should have to tolerate excessive drama, gossip or abuse from anybody. However, please keep in mind that this does not apply to those who are under the age of 18.