My Top 10 Favorite Bands & Artists

1. Adam Lambert- It's funny for me to say that I've follow a celebrity since the very beginning, but I can say that that is the very case with Adam. From his audition on American Idol all the way up to now, I am proud to be one of his fans. His talent is something that is just immeasurable, and I hope to witness it live some day!

2. Daughtry- Yet another former member of American Idol, Chris Daughtry and his band in my opinion makes some of the best rock-infused music. Now I'll admit that I only fully own 2 of their albums (Baptized and Break the Spell), but those two albums alone have a lot of great songs that I honestly find to be very memorable.

3. Rascal Flatts- I honestly can't say enough good things about Gary Levox's voice! No matter how old he gets, his talent will never fade. But putting all praise aside, I believe that RF makes the best country music that is just timeless and classic. There are just too many greats hits to list here, but some of my favorites are Rewind, Riot, Life Is A Highway, Take Me There, Changed, Banjo and My Wish. 

4. Paramore- Fun fact: Hayley Williams' mother was my teacher for half the year in the 6th grade! I can still remember when I went to Paramore's contract-signing concert back then as well as when Hayley came into my classroom to play a couple songs for us once. It's amazing how far this band has come along since then!

5. David Archuleta- I actually discovered David a few months after his time on American Idol, but since then, I've become a big fan of his music and talent! His journey as a recording artist is something that I find to be very inspiring, and if you're a long time fan, then you'll understand why. But nonetheless, I'm glad that David is starting to make music again after his 2-year hiatus.

6. Kelsea Ballerini- It's kind of funny and awesome whenever you have a personal connection to a singer, isn't it? I'm happy for Kelsea and while I didn't know her all that well in high school (we were in the same graduating class), I wish her nothing but success in her career for many years to come!

7. Lady Antebellum- No one does country duets better than Charles Kelley and Hillary Scott in my opinion. Their voices just complement each other so well, and Dave Haywood's instrumental skills just adds a nice, finishing touch. And of course, I have to give props to the songwriters for making such great songs for Lady A to sing/perform! Some of them are very relatable, others are very sweet and romantic, and others are just fun to jam out and sing along to!

8. Taylor Swift- Who here remembers when Taylor was releasing sweet, romantic country songs back in Nashville? I do, and those early days still leave behind a bittersweet memory. And don't get me wrong, I like the new direction she took with her music, but those old days will always hold a special place in my heart. Obviously Taylor has become a massive success worldwide and I'm happy for her in that regard, so I can't complain too much. I'm just hoping that she'll eventually make at least one country album like she used to.

9. Big Time Rush- This pop boy-band was originally made for TV, but what makes this one stand out from the rest is that they are talented in more ways than one! Of course, probably every teenager can justify that excuse for her favorite boy band, but for me, BTR is just better than every other boy band I once loved as a teen. Their music was- and still is- fun, catchy, meaningful and easy to sing along and dance to!

10. MercyMe- Out of all the Christian artists/bands I've listened to, MercyMe takes the cake for me personally. What I like about this band is how they infuse different genres with their music. They don't stick to just one particular style and still manage to sound iconic, and not to mention how amazing Bart Millard's vocal range is! His talent is just as impressive as Gary Levox's is if I'm being honest, and that's saying a lot :-)

Self-Loathing, Shame and Self Worth

Now we all know that some days in life are better than others, but how do you feel when you say or do something wrong? Christian or not, how do you feel when you mess something up, hurt someone you care about, or think things that make you feel guilty afterwards? Back when I was a Christian, I felt trapped in my own shame because I knew that I would always be a sinner regardless of how much God loved me. I knew that even though grace was supposed to help free me, that feeling of being free only lasted for so long. I may have felt like a new person, but then life would just continue on as usual and I would quickly dirty up my clean slate. We never stay pure in this world and no one is meant to stay good forever. You cannot have good without bad; it's just a never-ending cycle.

I know that life isn't all black and white and that there will always be pain, but I believe that we can choose to look past that pain and try to remember and hold onto the good. Every time you choose to get up and keep on going, you are one step closer to seeing your own strength. Every time you put on a brave face despite how you feel on the inside, you're likely to find out exactly what you're made of. We can choose for ourselves to be strong if we really want to. We don't have to let life bring us down into misery and hopelessness. 

People who believe that only God can heal them are basically looking for the easy way out, and for the longest time, I thought that that was the only answer as well. I thought that God was the answer to everything and that he would give me my self-worth, but that's not the case. Your self-worth comes from seeing how your experiences in life have shaped you. The things you learn as you continue to grow are what defines you and the challenges you overcome give you the strength and confidence you need. Your self worth comes to you when you reflect on the choices you've made and the people you've met over time because life is a never-ending cycle of lessons you need to learn. 

Hating yourself is also another trap in my opinion. Now even as an Atheist, I still sometimes struggle with not hating myself, but back when I wasn't one, my shame for the sins I'd made weighed me down. They pulled me into a state of self-hatred and I didn't know how to climb out from this emotional trap I was in. This is probably the main reason why I've decided to not be a Christian anymore; I couldn't handle all the shame and self-hatred. No matter how hard I tried to turn to God, I still felt helpless. No religion is worth all the guilt in my opinion. We shouldn't have to feel guilty about most things in life unless you have no moral consciousness. However, this doesn't mean I feel guilty whenever I hurt someone or say something I shouldn't have. The only shame I have to face now is the kind of shame that comes with knowing when you do the wrong thing. I'd feel guilty if I were to break someone's heart or if I were to make a mistake that's irreversible, and I've done that plenty of times in my life. Those are only things that would make me feel shameful; everything else is a choice for me to decide on my own. 

Once a Christian, Now an Atheist (My Story)

Everybody has their own reasons for why they do or don't follow Christianity, and everyone has their own views about who God was/is. However, some people just don't care to know God at all and don't understand why people turn to Christianity. But to best explain why I'm not a Christian anymore, I'm just going to relay my personal experiences and what lead me to disconnect myself from what some people would consider to be "the ultimate truth".

So obviously, I grew up with two Christian parents. I was taught from the beginning that my life rests in God's hands and that God has some kind of special plan for me. I was taught to believe that all things in life and in the universe were made by God. And at some point, I started to believe that if it weren't for the new promises that God made in the New Testament, I wouldn't be alive. At one point in my life, I believed that with God, all things are possible. When I look back on who I was a few years ago, I would've considered myself to be a devout Christian because I could feel my connection to God.

So a few months after graduating high school, I found my way into a Christian community for people in my age range. I tried with all my strength to increase my faith and believe all the things that God said about life in the bible. But prior to that event in my life, I only went to Sunday school and late morning service every week at a Presbyterian church. Still to this day, I consider the people I met there to be very warm and friendly. I have many fond memories at my first church and I still feel that that church in particular feels like home. I felt accepted there and got to know so many people who were kind to me.

When I was in that second church made for people around my age, I didn't know anybody. For quite a few months, I just showed up and sat alone. Over time, I learned to be more social and got involved with a bible study that was close to where I lived, but the people in charge decided to move away. As time passed, I attempted again to get involved. I joined a co-ed bible group that would meet before the service each week. Upon joining that group, I was friendly as usual despite how shy I felt. Over time I did make friends with a couple people who still stand out in my mind. However, I started feeling heavy doubts in the back of my mind as I continued on with this group. In the midst of me trying to remain strong in my faith and going on about my Christian life, I was meeting other people outside of the church who are different from me. I remember when I once invited one of my non-Christian friends to one of the services because I didn't want to go alone.

I don't know what caused me to look at Christianity differently, but all I know is that part of me started feeling off the longer I stayed at that church (keep in mind that the church I'm mentioning here is strictly Baptist). Part of me was starting to feel more with my own mind and heart and less with the faith I had worked so hard on to maintain. Things started rubbing at me the wrong way and I felt very discouraged because of the doubts I had. Not only that, but I just felt mentally stuck. Every time I said, did or thought something sinful, I'd repent and ask for forgiveness, but that would just make me feel even more discouraged. I knew back then that I wasn't perfect (and I still know that now), but every prayer I'd say just seemed to only soothe me temporarily. God's works just didn't feel like enough to get me through the day since I knew that I'd be a sinner regardless of how much God loves me.

As I continued with my studies in the co-ed bible group, I started to find things in the bible that I either didn't like, couldn't understand or accept, or just didn't agree with at all. I soon started to question God's judgment on things like homosexuality, people who are "wicked" and other things. I tried to remember the new promises from the New Testament and not get too caught up in God's wrath from the Old Testament, but that didn't stop me from forming fear in my head every time I thought too hard and asked questions.

It's quite predictable for others to say at this point in the story that they would stop questioning and just believe, but my own faith and belief in God was slowly slipping away. I left that second church that I spent nearly two years at and if I'm being honest, I don't regret that decision. However, part of me still fought to hold onto God because I was still struggling to find my own self worth. I continued to hold on because I just felt empty on the inside. But even then, my doubts were becoming stronger and there were still questions that remained inside my head. Fast forward to about a month ago, I started getting painful headaches. I would ask myself questions like, "why does this even matter?" or "why do people care about this?" I would ask these daunting questions about why I still care, and I should stop caring altogether and just live? I just wanted to live without worrying about God; I just wanted to be me and live for myself alone. After agonizing over the situation, something inside me changed within an hour or so. I could feel several years of guilt and shame being erased from my consciousness. I could feel every last inch of spirituality leaving my body and I could finally feel like myself. Despite the turn of events that I'm rehashing here, this has not change anything about my personality. I may have been able to finally stop caring, but this has not change my outlook on life.

I'm still trying to piece together my beliefs as an Atheist, but for the most part, I'd say that I'm slowly adjusting. I feel content and more like myself now than I ever have at any point of time in the past. Of course, a lot of my personal values are starting to change, but some parts of who I am continue to remain the same. I am still someone who is sweet, kind and caring to people overall. I am still friendly and smile to people that I either know or don't know. I still see the good inside people and believe that no one should live life alone.

I am me and nothing else. I don't care to know who made me or this universe we live in. I don't care to know or understand why any god is so important or if any god is real because to me personally, it doesn't matter. People should just be who they want to be. We are who we say we are based on our own words, thoughts and emotions. If you want to be a good person, then be and act that way. If you want to be someone who inspires other people, then go ahead and do that. If you want to live a life filled with hate and cynicism, I won't understand why, but go ahead anyways. I believe that life is a series of choices based on influence. There is no limit to when it comes to being whoever you want to be in life.

Transgenderism & My Transition Into Being an Atheist

Despite me being an Atheist now, I still can't get myself to understand why people are transgender. However, that doesn't stop me from respecting people in society who are transgender because I know that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.

So overall, my thoughts haven't changed much on this particular subject. Understanding the minds of people from the LGBT community can be hard sometimes, especially when you're raised by parents who are conservative Christians. Let me be real with you though: I understand the feeling of being judged or put down because of a choice that you've made in life. Now I know that a lot of people will argue that being transgender isn't a choice, but how else would you explain the process? 

Discrimination and negativity isn't appreciated regardless of who you are in any aspect; I know that much. It continues to irritate me that people can't respect other people's decisions. I've tried my best to not judgmental towards anyone who is transgender or gay despite my personal opinions of those people. I don't shove my personal opinions and beliefs onto anyone and I wish other people would be that way as well. I know how it feels to not be heard or accepted by someone you care about, and while some may want to cut ties completely, I'm not going to be that way. My heart still sees the good in people by default and that makes it hard for me to end certain relationships in my life. 

I don't have any friends or family members who are transgender, so my knowledge on this subject is limited. I'll also admit again that I was raised in a Christian household, so that has also influenced my thinking of the LGBT community in general. I may have been able to get myself out of doubt and questioning and into the mindset of a sound Atheist, but even then, that doesn't stop me from continuing that process of questioning and such when it comes to understanding transgender people. I question why people feel like a different person, like why aren't you satisfied with being a boy or girl at birth? Why make such a big deal out of the concept of gender identity? Why can't you just accept the gender that you're born with? These are the questions that keep nagging at me despite me being an Atheist now, because I know that I should just accept it, but I can't understand why people want to become the opposite gender.

So in short, it's not that I don't want to understand or accept transgenderism at all, it's just that the struggle of being more open is difficult to get through. It's about stepping out of my old self and fully embracing this new state of mind I'm in without any fear. More importantly though, it's about caring more about my own feelings and remembering how important they are to me. Part of me still cares about the whys and hows, but once I stop caring about that and just live, I'll finally feel free. Once I start forming new opinions and beliefs that aren't tied to Christianity, I'll finally understand and become more mindful.