Everybody has their own reasons for why they do or don't follow Christianity, and everyone has their own views about who God was/is. However, some people just don't care to know God at all and don't understand why people turn to Christianity. But to best explain why I'm not a Christian anymore, I'm just going to relay my personal experiences and what lead me to disconnect myself from what some people would consider to be "the ultimate truth".
So obviously, I grew up with two Christian parents. I was taught from the beginning that my life rests in God's hands and that God has some kind of special plan for me. I was taught to believe that all things in life and in the universe were made by God. And at some point, I started to believe that if it weren't for the new promises that God made in the New Testament, I wouldn't be alive. At one point in my life, I believed that with God, all things are possible. When I look back on who I was a few years ago, I would've considered myself to be a devout Christian because I could feel my connection to God.
So a few months after graduating high school, I found my way into a Christian community for people in my age range. I tried with all my strength to increase my faith and believe all the things that God said about life in the bible. But prior to that event in my life, I only went to Sunday school and late morning service every week at a Presbyterian church. Still to this day, I consider the people I met there to be very warm and friendly. I have many fond memories at my first church and I still feel that that church in particular feels like home. I felt accepted there and got to know so many people who were kind to me.
When I was in that second church made for people around my age, I didn't know anybody. For quite a few months, I just showed up and sat alone. Over time, I learned to be more social and got involved with a bible study that was close to where I lived, but the people in charge decided to move away. As time passed, I attempted again to get involved. I joined a co-ed bible group that would meet before the service each week. Upon joining that group, I was friendly as usual despite how shy I felt. Over time I did make friends with a couple people who still stand out in my mind. However, I started feeling heavy doubts in the back of my mind as I continued on with this group. In the midst of me trying to remain strong in my faith and going on about my Christian life, I was meeting other people outside of the church who are different from me. I remember when I once invited one of my non-Christian friends to one of the services because I didn't want to go alone.
I don't know what caused me to look at Christianity differently, but all I know is that part of me started feeling off the longer I stayed at that church (keep in mind that the church I'm mentioning here is strictly Baptist). Part of me was starting to feel more with my own mind and heart and less with the faith I had worked so hard on to maintain. Things started rubbing at me the wrong way and I felt very discouraged because of the doubts I had. Not only that, but I just felt mentally stuck. Every time I said, did or thought something sinful, I'd repent and ask for forgiveness, but that would just make me feel even more discouraged. I knew back then that I wasn't perfect (and I still know that now), but every prayer I'd say just seemed to only soothe me temporarily. God's works just didn't feel like enough to get me through the day since I knew that I'd be a sinner regardless of how much God loves me.
As I continued with my studies in the co-ed bible group, I started to find things in the bible that I either didn't like, couldn't understand or accept, or just didn't agree with at all. I soon started to question God's judgment on things like homosexuality, people who are "wicked" and other things. I tried to remember the new promises from the New Testament and not get too caught up in God's wrath from the Old Testament, but that didn't stop me from forming fear in my head every time I thought too hard and asked questions.
It's quite predictable for others to say at this point in the story that they would stop questioning and just believe, but my own faith and belief in God was slowly slipping away. I left that second church that I spent nearly two years at and if I'm being honest, I don't regret that decision. However, part of me still fought to hold onto God because I was still struggling to find my own self worth. I continued to hold on because I just felt empty on the inside. But even then, my doubts were becoming stronger and there were still questions that remained inside my head. Fast forward to about a month ago, I started getting painful headaches. I would ask myself questions like, "why does this even matter?" or "why do people care about this?" I would ask these daunting questions about why I still care, and I should stop caring altogether and just live? I just wanted to live without worrying about God; I just wanted to be me and live for myself alone. After agonizing over the situation, something inside me changed within an hour or so. I could feel several years of guilt and shame being erased from my consciousness. I could feel every last inch of spirituality leaving my body and I could finally feel like myself. Despite the turn of events that I'm rehashing here, this has not change anything about my personality. I may have been able to finally stop caring, but this has not change my outlook on life.
I'm still trying to piece together my beliefs as an Atheist, but for the most part, I'd say that I'm slowly adjusting. I feel content and more like myself now than I ever have at any point of time in the past. Of course, a lot of my personal values are starting to change, but some parts of who I am continue to remain the same. I am still someone who is sweet, kind and caring to people overall. I am still friendly and smile to people that I either know or don't know. I still see the good inside people and believe that no one should live life alone.
I am me and nothing else. I don't care to know who made me or this universe we live in. I don't care to know or understand why any god is so important or if any god is real because to me personally, it doesn't matter. People should just be who they want to be. We are who we say we are based on our own words, thoughts and emotions. If you want to be a good person, then be and act that way. If you want to be someone who inspires other people, then go ahead and do that. If you want to live a life filled with hate and cynicism, I won't understand why, but go ahead anyways. I believe that life is a series of choices based on influence. There is no limit to when it comes to being whoever you want to be in life.
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