What Atheism Means to Me

For roughly 2 1/2 years I've doubted God's existence. I can't say that I firmly believe in God or any other higher power in this universe because doing so only threatens my put my mental stability out of balance. The last time I tried convincing myself otherwise, my head felt like it was coming in close contact with a needle.

So with that being said, you can see why I'm not religious or spiritual period. I'm just me and my morals are my own. What I do with my life at this point onward is a choice I make for myself. People can say what they want or tell me that I'm living a lie, but I won't care. I just want to live for myself alone and have that be that.

Atheism means something different to everyone and people have their own reasons for choosing to live that way. And while my general views on Christianity are starting to change some, I'm still trying my best to be appreciative, understanding and respectful. We just have to do what works best for us in life. You see, I used to be judgmental and hypocritical when I was in that Christian mindset, and it wasn't until a year or so ago that I started to see how that reflected my character and how I see other people.

I firmly believe that our actions and words need to align up with each other as much as possible. We may be human, but all it takes to better yourself is switching your attitude and learning to treat people with kindness and respect. Since doing this, I've come to feel more like myself than I have 2 or 3 years ago. My life hasn't been easy and while I do realize that people are still capable of casting judgment regardless of being religious or not, at least I can say that I feel more comfortable in my own skin these days.

Discussing Depression & Negative Emotions

In my life, I've had some very dark thoughts, but I've never come close to the thought of suicide. My heart has never felt so dark and alone to the point that I could not see why I'm still alive. People who, in whatever way possible, are aware of their self-worth will find a way out. Those who don't want to stay stuck and isolated will try and fight off whatever dark feelings they're struggling with. That's just the way I see it personally.

The human mind is capable of either doing a lot of good or a lot of damage. If you concentrate too hard on your own feelings and emotions, they will consume you from the inside out. It's easy for people to get lost in their own dark emotions whenever they're experiencing something that's unpleasant or painful. Another thing that's easy to do is to act on impulse because of any certain emotion.

Hatred, anger, irritation, sadness and doubt are just a few of the many negative feelings we experience, but depression is different from any normal emotion that most people feel. In order to fully understand, you'd have to experience it yourself. I could try explaining it from my own personal experiences, but that would just be scratching the surface. Emptiness, loneliness, a constant state of feeling bland and lifeless like nothing matters and you feel like you don't matter... That's probably as close as I can get with describing depression. I wouldn't want to feel this way, but if anyone else out there feels that way, then I want to be there for you.

Depression in general is complex and while it's easy to associate any dark feeling you have with depression, that does not mean you actually have it. It's important to see and learn the difference between feeling depressed and being depressed. It doesn't matter where you are in life or what struggles you're facing; we just need to become more aware.

My Life So Far

I feel like most people my age still carry some of that baggage from their youth on their shoulders, which makes things difficult in different relationships. My angst comes from being rejected and taken advantage of as a teenager. It comes from being unappreciated by one friend that I was close to at one point in time. Every time I was given the boot, I'd put on a brave face, but I was still hurting on the inside. It didn't help that my only sister would always tell me what to do or say that I should just change my behavior instead recognizing my feelings for what they are. For about half of my life, I've struggled with feeling important and accepted. Since turning 13, I've had to learn the hard way that some people are better off just knowing me as a friend.

Now there are some lessons that I know and accept now, but of course, life only gets harder as you grow older. I've done my fair share of bad things to people I once cared about and I'm not proud of that. However, I've learned to realize that my well-being must be put into consideration instead of always protecting other people's feelings. I've also learned that trust is a long process; you can't force it or make people trust you when they don't know you. Trust is earned when you treat people right and do the best you can to keep them in your life.

Many of my friends have come and gone and if I'm being honest, I don't mind that. Some of the people I've met have been nice to me, but as life goes on, the harder it is to become more open to those who express interest in you. I'm pretty much a friendly person, but sometimes I won't know what to say or do when people want to know me better. I get nervous and part me fights the urge to push that person away.

I'd rather have a couple close friends plus my boyfriend instead of 5 or 6 meaningless friendships with people who don't know who I am. And while I can see that I've made a lot of progress since the start of adolescence, I know that I still have a long ways to go. I've learned to accept a lot of things in life that I can't change and I'll keep on trying to better myself, but I know I'm not perfect. I can only do the best I can and I'm not going push myself over the edge in attempts to reach perfection. I'm just me and I will only do the best I can with what I'm given in whatever situation I face. I will always try to strive to be the best version of myself and live life with a smile on my face.

I will always choose to be positive because that's the kind of life I want to have. However, I know that pain is inevitable in life and that I won't always get things right. The hurt I've experienced growing up has taught me something important and has played a part in who I am now. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's always a lesson to be learned in everything you say and do.

I know who I am and I will always be the person I say I am. No matter how much pain I'm in or what my emotions do to me, I know that those moments of confusion and bewilderment will pass. I don't claim to know everything and I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep. At the same time though, I'll always try my best to be true to my word and to myself.

Sex & Sexuality (Part 2)

I think it's time for me to speak on this subject again because as you all know, I'm not a Christian anymore. Not much has changed in the way of how I think sex should be handled, but I will say that as time goes on and the older I get, the more doubtful I become in terms of holding onto my virginity. Sometimes I find myself wanting sex, but other times I don't. It just depends on where my head is at and how long I let these doubts sink in.

Child birth is something that people can choose to do or not do. If you want kids, then great. If not, then that's fine as well. If you believe that you should only have sex after marriage, then that's fine; I won't judge. If you believe that God somehow plays a part in your sexuality, then that's fine, but I disagree with that statement. We choose for ourselves on whether or not we want to have sex. What you do with your virginity is up to you; that's just what I believe.

Now when it comes to sexuality and who you feel attracted to, we can do what we want. I may not completely know for sure if being gay is a choice or not, but that's just me. If a person has always felt attraction towards the same or both genders, then that's fine. If a person has always felt more like a different gender than what they were born as, then that's fine. Now I won't understand why however, but that's besides the point. I don't have a problem with any person who is part of the LGBTQ+ community just as long as any said person doesn't hurt me in any way.

The Way We Think, Believe and Judge

The human mind can only take in so much information at a time. We process what we can to the best of our ability and throw away those other things that our brains can't handle. I personally believe that to some extent, religion can sometimes limit the human brain and inhibits a person's ability to accept and understand people who are different from them in any aspect.

By nature we sometimes get curious including myself. Other times, it just takes time for a person to switch gears and to want to see or understand things differently. Our minds can be complex and challenging sometimes, especially as we grow older and become more developed. I truly think that every human being should be challenged in life, and while I understand that every person operates differently on a cognitive level, we still have to learn a lot of things in life. We can still think for ourselves and do what works best for us, but if we aren't challenged, then our thoughts, ideas and perceptions will remain the same.

The act of believing is based on any initial emotional reaction we have towards a certain event or person we come in contact with. In my opinion, no person should deny their own human emotions and how that plays into their personal beliefs. Think about how it felt when you were forgiven by someone that you hurt. Think about how it felt when you experienced acceptance for the first time by any certain person (or even a spiritual/religious figure). I know that as we grow older some memories fade and become harder to remember, but if you can recall the first time you felt anger, love, joy, sadness, fear, relief, etc., then perhaps then you can remember how you felt when you made any life-changing decision. Our emotions are always present in our lives, so think about that the next time you find yourself latching onto an idea or claim that you either agree or disagree with.

This is probably a no-brainer, but you don't have to be religious to be judgmental. We all judge sometimes, whether if we're aware of it or not. The big question that I want to try answering though is what ignites judgment? Sometimes it's certain people's behaviors or choices in life. Other times it can be people's outer appearances, a person's daily habits or just a person's personality. Society has a tendency to be judgmental of every little thing sometimes; that's just a well-known fact and there's no use in denying it. Whether if you judge based on morality or your own inner instincts, you're still being judgmental. But with all of this being said, why do people continue to judge instead of trying to see beneath the surface? Well, not every human being in this world is meant to be the same. We are all different from each other, even if some people share similar characteristics in behavior or personality.