Honestly.... Being honest is different from being disrespectful or rude

I don't like staying quiet whenever something is on my mind. People say that you should treat people based on how you want to be treated, but let's get real here for a minute.... negativity, rudeness or being overly harsh are things that most people don't like putting up with. I realize that the kinds of people I've allowed into my life over the years off and on haven't been the nicest to me, but I don't consider myself to be someone who likes to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells. Being honest or blunt when giving criticism doesn't always mean that I'm being negative. It just means that I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind, whether the person is ready to hear what I have to say or not. 

It honestly gets tiring to always put a filter on my thoughts. The way I speak is the way I speak. If someone wants me to sugarcoat things or put on this magical fairy dust act, well... That's just not me. I value my ability to be honest and straightforward, and I know that this platform and having this blog has been a huge help in allowing me to develop my own voice and opinions over the years. 

At this point in my life, I really don't care if a person likes me or not. I may not always enjoy the feeling of being misunderstood, but at the same time, part of me is starting to care less about being understood by others in the first place. Let this be a reminder that it's okay to speak up. Being silenced by someone else doesn't have to be tolerated, and more importantly, NO ONE should have to silence themselves just for the sake of keeping the peace. There's more nuance within different relationships these days, and while I try to recognize this as a good thing, I also find myself needing to be reminded that this is why most- if not all- relationships don't work. People change. The things that we value are likely to change the more we grow and evolve. Disrespect, of course, never needs to be tolerated, but especially with romantic partnerships or marriage, I sometimes find myself in this mindset of being in the minority because I've been with the same person for more than 9 years now. Every relationship is going to go through difficult times, and I know that having some arguments with the person you love is considered normal. I guess in the end, being able to confront the person you love is the hardest challenge to face sometimes; I know this because I've experienced this. Sometimes, you just need to recognize when you've had enough of letting fear hold you back. You really don't know how a person is going to handle what you have to say until the words have been let out. With all of this being said, if you believe the relationship is worth holding onto, then it's worth holding onto. If not, then it's okay to move on. However, if any of you reading this is like me where it's easy to get confused or overthink things, then perhaps this post can give you a sense of comfort, encouragement or motivation.  

What I'm Learning About Relationships + Some Other Thoughts on Growth and Evolution

Perception in relationships is something that continues to be a work in progress for me.... People can only see things as far as what they're capable of. Some people only have an average or basic amount of awareness. What's frustrating is when people continually put other people's identity in some sort of box or cage and won't see anything else beyond that. 

The more a person grows and evolves, the more people you'll end up losing people along the way. Let me be more specific with this statement: The more you state your own values and priorities to someone who you know doesn't mesh well with you, the less you're going to get back from that person who believes they feel stuck. For full transparency here, I fully recognize how hard it is to walk away from someone who you know isn't serving a purpose in your life anymore. Mistakes shouldn't be confused with any act of disrespect. Honest mistakes can be reconciled if both people in the relationship are willing to be open and communicate at a level that's less driven by pettiness or negative emotions. Disrespect needs to be dealt with in the same manner, obviously, but it also shouldn't be given any passes. It's okay to stand your ground and recognize your worth. It's okay to let the person know what you're not willing to tolerate in the relationship. Friendships and romantic partnerships alike (and also professional relationships) are allowed to have boundaries; without them, you're basically allowing too much chaos to happen. This honestly needs to be stated more often because I truly feel as if there's too much passiveness in some people, and it makes working with them more difficult. 

The minute you stop being a child is when you are able to think for yourself and form your own opinions about the world around you. This means that age is relative and maturity is what most people look at within others when it comes to whether or not someone is capable enough. This is why it's important to assess early on exactly what your goals and values are in life. You can work on developing these either with a coach/therapist, or you can do it on your own terms. Whatever choice you make is up to you, but with where I'm at now with my own growth personally, I realize that it's okay to allow other people to offer their support. Finding people who can encourage you and want to see you succeed is important if you decide to start taking on a more active role in your life. 

To end this post, I'm going to loosely quote a saying that one of my friends has passed down many times: creating a life by your own design involves a process of healing, creating and becoming. My interpretation of this means that in order to become the person you want to be, you need to not only heal any wounds or traumas that are holding you back, you also need to be proactive and decide/create a vision for what it is you want for yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you want to stand for? What do you want to value, and are your own actions in alignment with that? 

Rejection, Timidness and Having a "False" Identity (Life According to an Introvert)

Every time I've put myself out there because I wanted to make a connection, it's been easier for me to keep people at arm's length and not let them get too close to me. Out of all the times I've sought out a person on my own terms, and not necessarily in a romantic sense, it's because I was in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to allow that relationship to happen organically. I may have made mistakes in those relationships I first took action on, but at least it's helping me to see that it's possible for me to make connections on my own. 

On the other side of the coin, when I allow other people to pursue me first, a number of things could end up happening. Not all of those outcomes are necessarily negative, but in knowing what my weaknesses are (ie. overthinking, caring too much, going down unproductive thought spirals, etc.), I realize that it's in my own power to either give a situation too much of my mental and emotional energy, or to just get lazy because I don't enjoy putting in the effort. I know what my growing pains were when I was younger... I know what my vices have been when it comes to how I show up for others. There are a lot of things in life I can't control. Sometimes, admitting that to myself is very difficult. It fuels this insecurity within me that makes me feel like my worthiness means nothing to the other person, and this puts on display my own lack of self-validation. 

Putting all of this into a simpler perspective, I feel as if the one thing I still struggle with is understanding how much worth I actually have. It's easy for me to lean on whatever vices or bad habits I can find, like perfectionism. Perfectionism has been both a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me over the years because it allows me to put on this face that says I feel good on the outside, but on the inside, I don't feel great at all. I realize that in saying all of this (not that the realization is new or anything), it's just easier for me to cover up my insecurities than it is for me to show up in a way that's real and unfiltered.

My fear of rejection and shy demeanor seems to stem from more than one cause. I know that I've faced rejection in the past; it isn't fun to experience. I know I've learned from these things, but having ADD and a learning disability doesn't make dealing with that process any easier. Trust requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability that can sometimes feel very scary. Eye contact takes a certain amount of comfort and confidence in one's innate abilities to participate with other people. Giving someone their full, undivided attention seems to take more effort because it means putting all other distractions on pause. People seem to be more comfortable in staying within their comfort zone because well, safety and security is what we instinctively become drawn to, but where's the fun in that? 

To wrap up this post, I guess what I judge or project comes from recognizing what humanity's flaws are on a general scale. I get that none of us are perfect, but sometimes, people need to be willing to expose more of their real selves instead of always putting on an act. You're honestly not going to lose much of anything by breaking down your walls. Love is all that people want at the end of the day, and the road to gaining that doesn't have to be achieved in a certain way with any rules or conditions.