Labeling in Society: "Toxic" People + Some Other Personal Thoughts

Every human being on this earth is different; none of us are meant to be the same. Our personalities, our behavioral patterns, the color of our skin, our vocal dialects, etc... They're all different and we all have a unique background story that trails behind us as we grow and develop every day. The things we experience in our lives help shape us into who we become as adults in society. None of this should be hard to understand and realize, and yet, human beings seem to like labeling everything and everyone based on certain personality or behavioral traits in other human beings.

I don't want to sound harsh here, but based on my own life experiences, I've come to realize that I hate certain labels that continue to be used, and one of those labels is the word "toxic". Now before I go off into any sort of rant, I want to be honest here. Every day I try my best to stay true to who I am. Every day I try my best to remember everything I stand for and not let myself get too twisted up from the inside out, but even then, I know I'm not perfect. Whenever I find myself acting in a way that isn't me, I feel genuinely guilty, and that has happened before. There have been moments where I'd have those supposed "signs" of what one would consider to be "toxic". Here's the thing though: despite this problem that I occasionally have, I do the best I can to change. I'd rather try to continually change myself and force myself to see the issue for what it is instead of hiding behind it, and unless I'm mistaken, I don't think there are many people out there who'd want to do that. 

So do I have a narcissistic attitude on occasion? Yes. Do I sometimes think a little too highly of myself and will place my old values in front of the news ones that I want to maintain? Yes. Do I sometimes treat my closest friends unfairly? Yes. Do I feel guilty whenever I act this way? Yes, 100%. I can't fully explain how these traits became part of who I am, but I feel as if they only come into view whenever I think about myself too much and harshly judge my own flaws and imperfections. I never thought that something like this would happen to me, but I'm trying my best to not be my own worst critic. This ugly side of me hasn't always been around even before I was in a relationship (or even when I was a teenager), but I know better than to blame anybody for these issues I have. I fully realize and accept that I'm the only one who is responsible for my actions. 

People who are "toxic" are just as human as anybody else, so why judge them? Why is it necessary to judge or label certain people just because they're more flawed than the next person? Our flaws and imperfections define who we are and that shouldn't be taken away from us; every person on this earth deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion regardless of how they treat other human beings. It's one thing to tolerate or put up with any person's type of behavior, but to see it for what it is and forgive it is another. And as hard as this is for me to say and admit, I should probably just accept the fact that not everybody in this world is capable of having a heart like mine. 

I used to be friends with someone who is a devout Christian, and as fun as he was to be around, his morals are a bit different from mine. I thought that I'd be able to look past the differences we had and still love him, but as I started to change, I became less loving and tolerant towards him. I didn't want to accept that this is who he is and that he's never going to understand me fully. I took issue with how he saw me and I soon came to realize that I don't want people like him to be in my circle. As angry as I was back then, I can't help but think now that perhaps I was mainly judging myself instead of him because I used to be that way in a sense. For about year or so, I would constantly find myself trying to hold onto my Christian values and trying to remain firm in that instead of being more understanding. At the start of my adulthood, I thought I knew everything. Now that I'm on the other side, I can finally say I've changed and I don't regret anything about the decisions I've made. I'd rather continue to live for myself instead of letting my own fears, doubts and negative emotions control me. I'd rather be someone who has a genuine and compassionate heart instead only allowing myself to love halfway. The person I am now is someone that I am proud of and I personally don't see that as a bad thing. 

Novella #3, Chapter 7: This Kiss is a Miss

Monday has just arrived and both Brittany and Luke were feeling nervous about their supposed "date" together. While Brittany tried keeping herself occupied by listening to music and reading, Luke decided to take a long, hot shower. He let himself soak until all the hot water was used up. Once he got out, he looked at himself in the mirror and took in a long, deep breath. Only four hours until it's time, he thought to himself. He thought about calling up his friend Matt for a few minutes and seeing if he wanted to come over for an hour. Once he got to the phone however, he changed his mind and decided to see if Jared was awake. One knock. "Jared? You in there?" He didn't get an answer, so he tried knocking again. "Hello?" he said in sing-song tone, and he didn't get an answer the second time. He pounded the door a little harder. "Hey! Wake up!"

"Who is it?" That doesn't sound like Jared, Luke thought to himself. "Umm, is my brother in there?" 

  "He is, but I told him that I'd get the door this time. What do you want, Luke?"

"I just wanted to spend some time with him. Is he awake right now?"

  "No. I told him to go back to sleep. He heard your knocking but didn't want to get up and answer the door." Talking to Sarah through the door seemed weird to him, but he didn't want to cause any more trouble for her and his brother. 

"I guess I'll just leave you two alone then. Sorry for bothering you." With that, Luke decided to retreat downstairs and turn the TV on. For a few minutes he mindlessly flipped through the different channels before turning it off to go outside. 

"Should I call Luke and see if he's okay?" Brittany asked to Caitlin. The two girls were now hanging out at the mall, trying to figure out where to go next. "Only if you want to," Caitlin responded. "It's not really my place to say since you're the one who's going to see him later." 

"I guess you're right. I just don't know if it would be a good idea. It might make him more nervous or something like that." A wave of silence swept over them for a moment, and neither Brittany or Caitlin knew what to say to each other. They just kept walking until they reached the food court and sat down at the nearest table. "I'm not too hungry right now, but do you want something?" Brittany asked to her friend.

  "Sure. Just give me a minute to see what I want."

"Take your time. I'm going to make a phone call here really quick." As Brittany pulled out her phone from her purse, she thought again about her date with Luke later tonight. She then thought for a second that maybe she shouldn't feel nervous; it's not like they were going to have sex afterwards or anything. Once she calmed herself down for a moment, she looked up his name in her contacts and waited for an answer. He picked up on the second ring.

  "Hello? Is that you, Brittany?"
"Yeah. How are you doing?"

  "I'm fine, I guess. Just hanging out, you know."

"Same here. I just wanted to make sure you're doing alright. I kind feel nervous about tonight." Hearing this made Luke feel surprised instead of relieved. "Really? Why are you nervous?"

  "Well if you want the truth, it's been a while since I've been on an actual date... You would consider this to be a date, right?" He didn't know how to respond to her comment, nor did he know if this hangout was a date or not. He only knew that he felt attracted to her, but he didn't want to rush things. "Umm, I'm not sure. I just want to get to know you better. You know, hang out and such. I like you." The minute he said that, Brittany felt uneasy, but also a little flushed in her cheeks. "Hey Luke, how long have you felt this way about me?"

  "Since I first met you. Why do you ask?" There was a long pause before she answered his question, though he had a feeling he wouldn't get his answer tonight anyways.

The two teenagers were now sitting inside a restaurant and the silence ensued longer than usual. Every time Brittany looked in Luke's direction, he would smile and lock eyes with her. She wished that this date didn't feel so awkward, but perhaps she had no one but herself to blame on that part. She just wasn't sure if she was okay with him having feelings for her. She wasn't sure if she could ever feel the same way about him. Luke is nice and all, but being on this date with him was making her feel uneasy. Before she had a chance to finally say something, he chimed in and said, "I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable. Do you want to go home? We don't have to be here in this fancy restaurant."
  "I don't know what I want right now. I just don't feel good."
"How about we just go home then? I'm not that hungry anyways."
  "Are you sure? I hate to ruin whatever is left of this date for you."
"It's not a problem. I just don't want to feel awkward around you." Luke immediately stood up after speaking and helped Brittany out of her seat, and the two of them headed home. Neither one of them said a word on the way back even after Brittany was dropped off by her house. "I guess I'll see you around, right?" she said.
  "I guess so. You want me to walk you up to your porch?"
"Do you want to?" Luke thought about it for a minute, and despite how short this date felt, part of him knew he wanted to anyways. "Sure," he said. They both got out of his car and just when they reached the front porch, Luke found himself inching close to Brittany's face. It's like he wanted this to happen all along even though he tried to restrain himself. Brittany reacted before his lips met hers and she grabbed him by the shoulders. "This can't happen. I'm sorry. I just don't feel the same way."
  "But I like you, Brittany," Luke said as his heart sank. "I want to be in your life. I don't want to be just another memory to you that eventually fades away."
"Please listen to me, Luke. As much as I care about you as a friend, earning my love and trust is very difficult. I tend to keep a lot of walls up."
  "Then I'll fight them off as hard as I can! Just give me one chance, Brittany. That's all I need." Despite that small, lingering feeling of disappointment he had swirling around in his mind, Luke was determined to show her his heart. He didn't want to deny his feelings any longer, nor did he want to keep them bottled up. He's made that mistake once before and didn't want that to happen again. "Please give me a chance. I'm begging you to. I... I-I love you."
  "What part of no do you not-" A sudden kiss interrupted Brittany's words and she found herself feeling flustered and confused. She kept her eyes open for the entirety of that moment and continued to stare at Luke once he tore his lips off of hers. "Why did you keep your eyes open?" he asked her.
"What are you talking about?"
  "Don't play dumb with me. I could feel your eyes wandering around aimlessly."
"You caught me by surprise, Luke. I can't do this. I don't feel the same way."
  "Stop it!" he interjected harshly. "I've about had it with your games here. A kiss like that shouldn't feel one-sided. You're not giving me a fair chance here."
"That's because I feel confused and overwhelmed right now! One minute you say you don't want to feel awkward around me and then you kiss me. How am I supposed to react to that?" Luke was suddenly feeling irritated with Brittany and didn't know how to gain control of his emotions. All he knows is that he loves her and she keeps rejecting him. "I shouldn't have to explain myself to you," he said sternly. "You are nearly impossible to deal with. I'm done for tonight." In that moment he stormed off to his car and headed home. Once Luke was out of sight, Brittany took in a deep breath and unlocked her front door.