Contentment is something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.... I know that I love my sister, and I'm sure I did feel joyful when I first met her, but I also remember being told how her whining and crying on the way home from the airport also made me cry. I think that when it comes to being female at least, happiness or joy is an emotion that we tend to hold onto more often because that's how we want to feel, even if our brains or hormones feel differently. I bring this up because happiness, or just being content, is starting to mean something else to me now, and I want to explore this topic a little further.
Contentment, for a lot of people, means living comfortably and being able to make the most of what they already have. Comfort, I realize, isn't a bad thing. Comfort can bring about a lot of emotions that can equate to happiness, but the energy or aura behind it is something that can't be faked; it just comes naturally. With that being said, I realize that I haven't been allowing myself to really feel content since my breakup, and when I do try to put in that effort, this nagging feeling of anxiety starts to creep up on me sometimes. It's easy to say that I feel happy because I'm trying to remind myself of the good things that come with being single again, but deep down, other parts of my heart are still trying to heal. I'm still trying to heal myself, but not in a way that truly makes me feel content.
Perhaps the one thing that trips me up so often when it comes to happiness is that I'm using the word as an extension of my well-being. Every time I use just the word "content" or "contentment" in a sentence, my reaction to that word is stark. It makes me feel bored, and in turn, it makes me think that my life is boring. The nerd in me who loves psychology wants to phrase it this way: becoming wrapped up in daydreams and not living in the moment can manifest this issue called "main character syndrome". You feel like those everyday, mundane tasks suddenly make you feel like life is boring and you just want to get away from it all, like you need an escape from reality itself. Perhaps if you start to dissociate yourself from what's actually happening and just become consumed with stuff that doesn't matter, then life itself will start to feel a little less meandering. I'd be lying if I were to say this is something I haven't experienced... I know I've been prone to drifting in thought or daydreaming since my youth.
Happiness is something that we're taught to pursue or chase after, and I know now that this type of mentality doesn't end well in most cases. Happiness isn't something that can be bought with material goods or with a bigger paycheck that's earned at the end of the work week. I remember spending at least a portion of my 20's chasing after different things that only brought me temporary joy, and while I'd say I'm mostly reformed from that kind of behavior, I know I'm only human. I feel like it's easy for a lot of people to get sucked into wanting to buy things because it's new and shiny, or maybe it's because you want to expand this one collection of stuff that barely gets used. Minimalism, in more ways than one, really has helped me when it comes to living a more balanced and intentional life, but again, the one word that comes to mind when looking at the overall perspective is contentment. Happiness is just an added bonus in this case because I'm finally in a place where I feel more in control of my life (or at least, that seems to be the case half the time), rather than letting external factors control me.
So if I had to define what happiness looks like to me now, I would probably answer that with a question instead: Can I find a new healthy balance of what is enough for me? I still have 3 classes left to take before finally getting my degree. I'm starting to go through a phase of intense metamorphosis because now more than ever, my best girl friend is becoming someone that I can and want to trust long-term. She's supported me a lot during this break-up and reminds me of what I'm capable of whenever I fail to see it in myself, and I feel immensely grateful for that.
To wrap things up here, here's my final take on the question: I just want to live my life in the most authentic way possible. I enjoy the job I have, and I feel grateful for all the support I have in my life from friends and family as well as my parents. Yes, some days are harder than others, but that's normal. I feel like the future is a lot brighter for me now, and that makes me feel both nervous and excited. Thank you to everyone who's reading these posts I make; it honestly means a lot to me.
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