PREFACE
This series of chapters will be based on my own knowledge, personal insights and experiences. I am not a licensed therapist nor do I have all the answers, but I’ve learned a great deal of insight and introspection based on different encounters I’ve had with different people in my personal or professional life.
Trauma, Pain and Dysfunction
We all have a past; we can’t choose who we were raised by. Trauma or dysfunction in some cases could be generational. Pain, deception or dishonesty (keeping secrets) happens, and the reason behind that can only be understood in time. How has your family treated you, and did they try to set a good example for you? What values did your parents have, and if adopted, what feelings do you remember struggling with when you were transitioned out of the orphanage?
Toxic friendships can be just as detrimental as other relationships within your life. Do your friends value you? Do they truly enjoy being around you and allow you to have your own voice? Do your friends talk about you in a positive or negative way when you’re not around or within an earshot’s distance? Think and reflect on what it is you can change, and try to accept the things you can’t change. All of these things can be applied to romantic relationships as well. The main thing to consider is if the partnership is worth it. Love is not a constant state of being, but it does make the other difficult parts of life more bearable.
I don’t have much experience with casual dating nor do I know much about family trauma/dysfunction. What I do know however is that I have made mistakes within my second romantic relationship, and yet, I still try my best to remember and honor my commitment to my partner. I’ve learned a lot in the six years I’ve been together with my partner. My first relationship helped me to see and understand my own worth. If there’s anything that I would tell my younger self, it’s these two things:
1. Your identity and self-worth means more than just finding a life partner to share everything with.
2. Don’t just sit and wait for love to come around. Never be afraid to take the initiative, and don’t get so caught up in your daydreams that you lose touch with what you want in reality.
Self-Inflicted Stress
What makes you believe that you’re not good enough in some way? What lies have you (or other people) been telling yourself, or are you suffering from chronic perfectionism? Do you truly believe that you need to change who you are in order to feel confident or happy? Do you truly think that you need to hold yourself to a high standard in order to succeed in life? Why not just come as you are, imperfections and all?
At the age I’m at now, I believe that it’s better to stand out and be your own authentic self. Exploring, spending time in nature, being creative and finding new hobbies can help you develop your own sense of self. If people try pressuring you into something that makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to say NO, even if the idea of saying no feels scary. It’s okay to build a healthy relationship with yourself and become your own best friend; not everybody in this world is meant to fit a certain mold or conform to the expectations that society or certain friends or family members have of who we “should” be. When it comes to social media, I believe that there is this double-edged sword that makes figuring out our identities more difficult. Those highlight reels and overly edited videos only showcase one facet of a person’s life. Comparing yourself to others or getting caught up in negative self-talk will only do more harm than good to your mental health, or can even worsen different cases of mental illness. As someone who’s struggled with depression throughout my 20’s, I can say without a doubt that things will get better in time; you just need to have a little faith in yourself.
Coping Mechanisms & Behavioral Patterns
Dealing with stress or burnout is something that I believe needs to be talked about more often because in today’s society, there’s a lot of pressure surrounding the idea of being perfect, or being able to do it all. It’s one thing if certain people in your professional or personal life are telling you that you need to do “this or that” to become successful, but in my experiences, some of the stress I’ve dealt with professionally has come from what I’ve been telling myself, or what I’ve seen in my boss or co-workers. This mindset of keeping up with everything or trying to achieve perfectionism is not sustainable, and while I’m grateful to haven’t experienced any extreme cases of burnout, I remember multiple instances of me coming home after a long day of work and complaining about things that were very trivial or that I just had no control over.
Whether you sit in an office all day or stand around in a retail store, stress is just part of life. Complaining about things you have no control over will affect your happiness levels, and if you’re in a place of absolute exhaustion, do the best you can to take care of yourself. It’s okay to take a full day off and do nothing. It’s okay to take breaks or allow yourself ten minutes to just sit and breathe. If you feel like you don’t deserve a break, then think about how it would feel if you allowed a friend or family member to always give and care for you 24/7 as if you were an urgent care patient. A situation like that (which I realize is a bit of an exaggeration) goes to show that if you give more to others until your own energy has hit its lowest point, then you won’t have any energy left to care for yourself. You deserve to feel 100%, and there’s no shame or guilt in finding help from others.
Focus on building small, actionable steps you can take to reduce burnout symptoms and fatigue. Do the best you can to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep, and prioritize your time in the evenings (and in the mornings). One thing that I’ve learned over time is that if I don’t prioritize my own well-being or keep a solid routine, my problems with stress or fatigue from the day before will follow me the next day when I wake up. One thing that I would recommend for any habit, whether it's getting more sleep, quitting smoking or some other kind of addiction, is to not only take things one small step at a time, but to also get clear on why you’re starting the habit to begin with. Usually when someone wants to break a habit, there’s a feeling or emotion involved that reminds them of why this habit is no longer serving them. Does staying up until 3 in the morning make you feel agitated or frustrated? Does smoking or drinking alcohol excessively make you feel guilty or numb to the point where you’ve had enough? Keeping in mind that not all addictions can be easily resolved by themselves, I realize that the effort has to be continuous in order to see the pay off. Alcoholics may have to spend months or years in recovery in order to get back on their feet; the same can be said for drug abusers or those who suffer from some other psychological or genetic diseases or disorders. Whatever the case is, just know that the feat will be difficult, but not impossible. Becoming self-aware is usually the first step towards making positive change.
What Is “Normal”?: Gaining Clarity and Insight
This stage of life is very difficult to navigate and understand because like what the title suggests, we carry around so much baggage that isn’t ours to begin with. It doesn’t matter what age you are, and it doesn’t matter how much you think you know already about life. Subconsciously, what other people tell us (as well as what we tell ourselves) can easily shape our identities later in life. One thing that I believe is important to remember is that blaming society (or other people in our lives) does not solve the problem; it only puts us in this victim mentality. Victim mentality exists when we decide that our lives aren’t ours to begin with and that all the circumstances we’ve faced just happened for no good reason. If this were true, then what would be the point of living? Living is more exciting than what we make it out to be sometimes based on our own individual experiences and perspectives, so remember this: just because stress or bad times happen doesn’t mean you’re living a bad life.
Why do we complain and spread negativity? For every negative experience you’ve endured, there’s always a positive experience to counteract that. None of us are born evil, and even if you do believe that the devil exists, there’s absolutely no sense in spreading hatred, negativity or being judgmental of other people just because they’re different. There’s also no sense in calling out other people’s flaws or being a fault-finder, only to ignore or not recognize your own misgivings. We all have faults and none of us are perfect, so while it may not be easy to “practice what you preach”, I do believe that recognizing what your faults are and what makes you imperfect can give you a lot more freedom, clarity and happiness in the long run.
Many people in different countries and nations believe in the power of spirituality or following some kind of religion. Christianity is a prominent religion in the United States; many people believe in God and Jesus. Is Christianity a broken religion, or are broken people using religion in a way that’s toxic? One thing that I’ve had to reflect on is that in some cases, it’s not the religion itself that’s toxic; it’s the people who think and act in ways that aren’t in alignment with what they believe. The reason why I bring this up is because of me being raised in a Christian household. Do I believe in a higher power or some form of spiritual deity? I can never say for certain or with the utmost conviction; I’m just not that kind of person. Doubt and depression has made me realize that while life itself can be messy and complicated, having faith is something that’s a personal choice. There’s nothing wrong with being a Christian or not being one at all, but at the end of the day, your character and how you treat other people is what’s most important.
Happiness & Why It’s Important
When we take the time to care for ourselves and boost our own sense of worth, we can then extend that positive energy to other people. It gets said all the time that our happiness is important or that how we feel about ourselves is important. One thing that I want to shed light on is that happiness is not a way of living; it’s not something you can just be all hours of the day.
In all honesty, this is a mindset I still struggle with on occasion. Happiness and identity are two things that society will continue to bring about because of us humans innately being social creatures. If we stopped caring about what we should do to impress others, what would happen to our quality of life? If we stopped chasing after feelings and started creating moments of stillness and simplicity within our daily lives, would we be better off? In my experiences at least, I find that moments of stillness and simplicity can be both enjoyable and scary because it leaves you with your own thoughts, and those thoughts can either fester in a way that’s negative or positive. In saying this, one thing I want you to consider is that mental health and mental illness is NEVER talked about just for the sake of making people feel bad about themselves. It’s discussed because we need to become more aware of how our habits and mindsets can affect our quality of life and the way we view ourselves.
The reason why I believe happiness is important but not crucial to our survival is because in some cases, the thoughts or mindsets we have can have a very limiting effect on our worth and potential as humans. I realize that for most of us, happiness only comes and goes in small waves. I also realize that every person’s brain functions differently based on their own history of mental illness or family issues. For those cases however who don’t have or can’t relate to the heaviness of trauma or mental disorders, mental health is still an important aspect of our lives. It’s more than okay actually to feel something other than pain, sadness, grief, anger, frustration or resentment. The emotions we have make us human, and the more we can be open and honest with ourselves about how we truly feel, the more likely we are to feel better about ourselves afterwards.
CONCLUSION
With everything that’s been said, I hope that this can give you something to reflect on or think about. A lot of what I’ve experienced may not be relatable to someone else’s experiences in life, but that’s okay. I believe that we are given choices in life every day, and if you’re in a good enough position to where you can make your own choices and decisions, then I hope you’ll do something that benefits your life in a positive way. If you’re struggling in some way however or feel like your options are limited, then just do the best you can and remember to smile.