Heavy is the Crown... it Really Does Feel Heavy Sometimes

I was no one 

I became someone

I chased after everyone

Did I gain the universe only to lose God?

I never wanted to look back or look in a mirror

The purity of a child

The bravest of hearts

The wounded souls

The rejects or outcasts 

Jesus loves all, but humanity is still broken

There's only one Creator

There's only one Father

There's only one Spirit

There's only one cross

There's no room for judgment, but all I see is what's broken

My trauma and my scars tell me this:

Make no mistake

Make no errors in judgment

Make no excuses for what's wrong and do what's right

Make only good choices, for it'll strengthen your character

Face your imperfections, then hear Him say that you're enough 

I can't take away your pain

I can't make you feel happy again

I can't be who you want me to be

I can't lay my life down again and expect different results

Just let me be, and I'll learn to live with your disappointment

Sisters choose to love, no matter what happens in life

Friends choose us for companionship, but they serve different purposes

Our parents choose to give us the world so that we can choose better

I chose to believe in Jesus because I'm willing to admit that I need a savior

I chose to walk with my demons because I'm used to dealing with them alone

We chose each other until the end, but you keep saying that my choices in love are unfair

I'm not sorry for being me, flaws, faults and all

I'm not going to regret loving, even if it caused me to suffer in silence

I'm not going to judge you ever, even if you still think you're not enough

I'm not going to make you love me, but I know that Jesus can heal us in time

Your heart is too pure, but mine still feels shattered. How is it fair for me to receive less?

I don't want your sympathy. I just want to feel understood, and to let that be enough.

A Poem for This Earth and Water Dynamic: Girlfriends, Sisters or Both?

I hate you, but I also love you. 

You drive me crazy

You make me question my sanity

Why do you question everything I do?

Why can't you just give me a break?

I just want to heal that black hole in your heart

God knows my heart better than you do

All you see is my anger and broken pieces

Precocious, pretentious and self-absorbed is all I can see

When someone says they care, there's a deeper meaning

Your love feels more like self-sabotage

You don't love yourself the same way I do

I know I've got my faults; I've never claimed to be perfect

I know that I take a lot for granted

My heart just wants yours, but I'm also dead tired

Two heads are better than one, but perhaps our are just wired differently

Our baggage needs to be given more space to breathe

I just want to be given time to breathe 

You can drag my heart through hell, but will you choose better next time?

I'd walk through a ring of fire to find your purity again

I know I'll rise up again and again; it's all the same to me now

Just don't get it twisted when I say you're still worth it somehow

Faith is hard to kill unless you don't give anything back. 

Resilience is my middle name these days

I can say sorry a million times, but does it mean anything to you?

Solid character speaks louder than being showered with gifts or money

Changing habits is hard, but it's not impossible; all it takes is baby steps

If you'd let me hold your hand a little longer, you'd see that I have nothing but respect

You've been changing my world since day one

I hope you know how much you truly mean to me. 

Dating for Companionship vs. Dating for Marriage + Some Reflections on Love

I know that everybody has their own goals and aspirations when it comes to love. I won't judge anyone who thinks that marriage isn't worth it or who doesn't question the concept of marriage enough, but for me, I still believe that it could be worth it. I've been single for only a couple months now. Being friends with my ex seems to be working, but it's still a process to fully come back to myself. 

It's not worth it to be with someone who can't see why you value certain things that simply don't matter to them. It's also not worth it to stick around and try to convince or impose your own values onto them. I say this, but I am grateful for the experience and for the memories of my previous relationship, and it never hurts to say this if you're still in contact with the person you once loved. I've come to recognize that breaking up for good or giving ultimatums is a habit that doesn't really promote growth or positive change within your relationships (this also includes ones with family and friends). Of course, I do recognize that every situation and relationship is different and that any toxic or unhealthy dynamics may require a different solution. Nonetheless, another habit that doesn't really help in certain situations is having poor listening skills or being unwilling to learn new things. No human is perfect; I know this and understand that communication can still break down sometimes, but it's common sense to understand and recognize that how we handle tough times is what matters most. 

Trust in marriage is maintained when both individuals understand that the other person can't fulfill every single need that they each have. Trust, in my experiences at least, gets easily abused when you look to excuse it by saying certain phrases too much, or by repeating certain actions without taking the time to understand how these behaviors affect the people around you. You don't always have to make your love known by simply stating it. Love can exist in the form of small gestures, gentle reminders, physical touch or acts of service. Love also doesn't have to rely solely on monetary value. Love can be expressed in a multitude of ways, and while I recognize my own default habits of how I choose to give my love, it never hurts to expand the way you express this to others. 

With the way society views love today, I honestly feel like it would be an oversimplification to say that most humans don't care enough or just don't understand. Of course, a lot of people in this world are entitled to say that they truly don't know what love feels like because of how they were raised growing up. We need to stop expecting people to love each other perfectly or make people feel bad simply because they carry flaws. If there's one thing I'm starting to understand better and practice with more consistency, it's grace and forgiveness for even the worst of mistakes. People can believe in whatever they want, but in knowing my own upbringing, values and beliefs because of my parents passing down what they've been taught about God and Jesus, I do believe that God can heal more wounds than anything else on earth can. 

To wrap up this post, if there's anything I've learned about myself in the experiences I've had, it's that love can either be easy or difficult depending on the choices we make with the other person in mind. Sacrifice doesn't have to be seen as a bad thing depending on what you believe is most important in life; it takes a lot of inner work or prayer to recognize that delicate balance of valuing yourself and God while also maintaining healthy relationships. It's important to choose someone who has similar values as your own. It's also important to choose someone who can enhance your better qualities and lift you up when you're at your worst, and while being able to share your vulnerabilities with your partner can allow your bond to grow more, you can't rush the process. The most worthwhile things in life take time to grow, heal and evolve. 

Personal Life Reflections & Changes

 I have no shame in using my blog as a time capsule for my inner thoughts, but I also know that I've used it as an outlet over the years to help express myself. I don't really see much changing with my blog as I enjoy posting whatever comes to my mind, or even just sharing my different interests. For this particular post, however, I want to start sharing some more personal thoughts and other aspirations.

Figuring out my life as an adult and in a new environment that's separate from the home I grew up in has been hard. My mental health has taken some pretty big dips at times, and yet, I'm still trying my best to function. It's weird how every time I get sick, time starts to slow down and I'm able to get more genuine rest. I still don't enjoy getting sick by any means, but I am grateful for the extra time that it gives me. Taking care of my health is probably the one thing that I've tried to gain more consistency on, and honestly, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to keep my weight and metabolism steady. I definitely feel like I've learned some new and better habits when it comes to my relationship with food, and while it has taken some time with a couple of learning curves, I feel pretty good about my body and where things are heading with my physical health. 

Keeping myself in a good mood emotionally has honestly been a work in progress this year. I don't like dwelling on the negatives, but I know I've been guilty of doing this a bit too often. I also know what my own flaws and weaknesses are... it's not always for me to remain open-minded, and even with the many years I've spent in therapy which I recently decided to move on from, I feel like what's working now for the position I'm in to maintain a positive relationship with my mental health is becoming more physically active. I'm also starting to feel more appreciative as well as seeing the value in maintaining an open relationship with my parents. Seeing them once a week and/or staying the night whenever I want is helping me to find a different source of relief. I don't always have to spend time alone, and since making these changes, I'm finding myself feeling more balanced in some ways, even if life still feels chaotic at times. I know that there are a lot of things in the outside world that I can't change, but knowing that I have my family as my support system gives me a sense of joy, comfort and encouragement. 

My romantic life continues to hold some uncertainties which can be hard to navigate at times. If there's one thing that's stuck with me since the start of my 20's, it's that you can't always overthink yourself into a state of clarity or peace. Sometimes, you have to trust in the universe and allow things to take their own natural course in life. I've always tried to have this "go with the flow" and free-spirited type of mentality when it comes to most areas of life. Being stiff and strict in some areas just doesn't always work, and while I try to be someone who can extend a listening ear and provide understanding, I also recognize that it's also okay to have boundaries. Balance is important to have, but when it comes to relationships, whether they're romantic or not, I think what's been keeping me stuck more often than not is recognizing that there needs to be a balance between that give-and-take aspect in relationships. It's easy to say this stuff out loud, and yet, putting it into practice just isn't easy sometimes. 

If there's one additional change that I feel like is worth putting into practice as often as I can, it's having a sense of gratitude. It's very easy to search out other people's flaws or to complain about how life is just a constant haze of dark clouds.... If that's the only perspective that you're willing to have, then what's the point in living? I personally try to hold onto any optimism or silver linings that I can find, and if I can't find any, then I'll make my own. I'll be my own ray of sunshine, and I hope that in living that out, I can attract more positivity and kindness in return. Life's too short to constantly dwell on things that bring you down into misery. 

Does Having a Low Tolerance Mindset Actually Work?

There are a lot of things I know I'm prone to saying or doing either consciously or unconsciously. I also know that depending on the day, I'm not always good at being able to empathize with others. Self-respect and being able to consistently show up for myself is something that I tend to hold onto with pride, as well as stating any boundaries for the sake of keeping any relationships healthy. In saying all of that, one thing that I feel as if I've come to learn and accept about myself is that even though I am someone who is considered neurodivergent (or having ADD), that doesn't mean that I have to let my brain's oddities take over my personality 24/7. 

Shame, low self-esteem and negative self-talk are what's caused me to withdraw and isolate myself the most whenever I was experiencing a meltdown because of my ADD. The ways in which I've built up my own confidence and self-worth have involved some traditional or conventional methods like therapy, journaling and even starting this blog, but I also know that I've relied on some other resources so that I could figure out how to appear more "normal" or get to a place of feeling safe internally. This is basically how I've gained inspiration to write about my experiences with ADD and my learning disability. Accepting that my brain is just different isn't always easy, but how does this correlate to the title of this post?

I wasn't given enough exposure to people who are just like me in terms of mental deficiencies, so for a good part of my life, I just went about my own business and kept to myself without questioning most things in life. My ability to tolerate certain things and people comes from being able to observe and adapt to my surroundings. It's taken me a long time to unlearn certain behaviors that haven't been serving me, and the more I allow myself to be unapologetic in who I am outside of my ADD, the more I start to feel as if I can co-exist around not just other neurodivergent folks (which also includes people who have autism), but also some other people who are their own version of "normal". I know who I'm able to get along with and who I want to avoid or go no-contact with. I used to be the type of person who would burn bridges, and while that temptation still finds its way into my mind sometimes, I feel like the only thing I'm guilty of now is saying things I don't mean to whenever I feel stressed or tired. Forgiving and forgetting is something I'd rather adapt to, whether other people in my life like it or not. I'd rather forgive for my own sake (and for other people if I know I've done something wrong), forget like it's nothing and then move on with life. If someone were to actually disrespect me or not treat me fairly, I will put that person in their place if I have to. I've gone through phases of being too soft or being too afraid to speak my mind, and that slowly started to change once I entered my 20's. I'm not afraid anymore to vocalize what's on my mind, whether or not what I have to say is offensive. So to anyone who's reading this, please take this to heart: it's okay for you to have a voice and to stand up for yourself!!

To wrap up this post, I'd say that my tolerance threshold has increased over the years with some things in life, but overall, I still try my best to be kind and live in a way that's authentic to who I am. Confidence is something that you gain by being able to endure the worst of what's been dealt to you. I hope that these insights can help reach anybody who needs to hear it. 

ADHD & Communication (part 2)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve highlighted anything regarding ADHD, but there are some new things that I thought I’d address now that I’ve gained a bit more experience, and with other like-minded individuals like me. So even though I’m still a work in progress in some ways, my ability to communicate with others depends directly on the state of my mental health. Trauma plays a very small part in what I’m able to speak up about or not, or at least, that’s what I’d like to believe. Staying silent hasn’t done me any favors in some cases, but in other ways, it has led to some growth, learning and healing. The most problematic or difficult experiences I’ve faced, however, is how to maintain relationships with other people who have a neurodivergent brain like me.

It’s taking time for me to recognize that while my own feelings and emotions are valid, that doesn’t mean that I should use them to hurt other people or twist another person’s words just because I feel hurt. Getting older doesn’t always mean getting wiser, because realistically speaking here, whether I have ADD or not, I’d still be making rookie mistakes every now and then. Pride tells me that this is why I get to feel the way I do, and this person’s actions or lack thereof proves that. I could have a full-on conversation in my head while everyone else around me is just minding their own business. Letting go of what makes me feel agitated, angry and hurt can either be easy or difficult depending on how much mental energy and focus I have. If my focus is aimless, then there’s no chance of me calming down whatsoever. Put me with someone who also has communication issues, and you’ll notice that there’s a lot that doesn’t get said, or we could end up saying the wrong things to each other sometimes.

I know I should be more empathetic of other people within “my own tribe”. Quite frankly, I feel as if my subconscious brain still holds onto some toxic habits that make me forget about my own ADD issues because I haven’t been exposed to other people with ADHD all that often growing up. Part of me has gotten a bit too used to feeling like a “normal” person with no issues, and so without that exposure, it’s made it difficult for me to meet other people where they’re at in life in some cases. Just like how other disabilities come on a spectrum, I’m finding out that ADHD comes on a spectrum as well based on how well a person can mask their symptoms. Masking is a coping mechanism that I learned upon exiting my teenage years, and somehow, it’s become a good tool in order for me to appear “normal”, but it takes a lot of mental energy and focus. So how does all of this play into communication? I feel like the best way to describe it would be like going to a masked ball, and you never know what kinds of “secrets” the person is hiding behind their mask.

The things I compensate for when I’m masking my ADD stem from my issues with control, lack of stability from within and this internal struggle to adapt to change. I know I tend to go through phases of taking things too far and not knowing when to let go of certain feelings or people that I know aren’t serving a positive purpose in my life. It’s very debilitating to shuffle through my own issues and figure out what’s rooted in reality and what’s rooted in trauma. I know that not everybody in this world is out to get me, and I know that people are going to make mistakes. Sometimes, it feels as if I have to put up a tighter guard because I’ve been taken advantage of one too many times. What I wish other people would learn, however, is that forgiveness works both ways- and it’s okay to be vocal about that. I’ve tried to unlearn many bad habits over the years; it’s still taking me time to heal. I do want to continue being more vocal about the things that I think people need to hear more often, but it’s really difficult to find peace sometimes when you don’t receive the same kind of treatment back.

Honestly.... Being honest is different from being disrespectful or rude

I don't like staying quiet whenever something is on my mind. People say that you should treat people based on how you want to be treated, but let's get real here for a minute.... negativity, rudeness or being overly harsh are things that most people don't like putting up with. I realize that the kinds of people I've allowed into my life over the years off and on haven't been the nicest to me, but I don't consider myself to be someone who likes to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells. Being honest or blunt when giving criticism doesn't always mean that I'm being negative. It just means that I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind, whether the person is ready to hear what I have to say or not. 

It honestly gets tiring to always put a filter on my thoughts. The way I speak is the way I speak. If someone wants me to sugarcoat things or put on this magical fairy dust act, well... That's just not me. I value my ability to be honest and straightforward, and I know that this platform and having this blog has been a huge help in allowing me to develop my own voice and opinions over the years. 

At this point in my life, I really don't care if a person likes me or not. I may not always enjoy the feeling of being misunderstood, but at the same time, part of me is starting to care less about being understood by others in the first place. Let this be a reminder that it's okay to speak up. Being silenced by someone else doesn't have to be tolerated, and more importantly, NO ONE should have to silence themselves just for the sake of keeping the peace. There's more nuance within different relationships these days, and while I try to recognize this as a good thing, I also find myself needing to be reminded that this is why most- if not all- relationships don't work. People change. The things that we value are likely to change the more we grow and evolve. Disrespect, of course, never needs to be tolerated, but especially with romantic partnerships or marriage, I sometimes find myself in this mindset of being in the minority because I've been with the same person for more than 9 years now. Every relationship is going to go through difficult times, and I know that having some arguments with the person you love is considered normal. I guess in the end, being able to confront the person you love is the hardest challenge to face sometimes; I know this because I've experienced this. Sometimes, you just need to recognize when you've had enough of letting fear hold you back. You really don't know how a person is going to handle what you have to say until the words have been let out. With all of this being said, if you believe the relationship is worth holding onto, then it's worth holding onto. If not, then it's okay to move on. However, if any of you reading this is like me where it's easy to get confused or overthink things, then perhaps this post can give you a sense of comfort, encouragement or motivation.  

What I'm Learning About Relationships + Some Other Thoughts on Growth and Evolution

Perception in relationships is something that continues to be a work in progress for me.... People can only see things as far as what they're capable of. Some people only have an average or basic amount of awareness. What's frustrating is when people continually put other people's identity in some sort of box or cage and won't see anything else beyond that. 

The more a person grows and evolves, the more people you'll end up losing people along the way. Let me be more specific with this statement: The more you state your own values and priorities to someone who you know doesn't mesh well with you, the less you're going to get back from that person who believes they feel stuck. For full transparency here, I fully recognize how hard it is to walk away from someone who you know isn't serving a purpose in your life anymore. Mistakes shouldn't be confused with any act of disrespect. Honest mistakes can be reconciled if both people in the relationship are willing to be open and communicate at a level that's less driven by pettiness or negative emotions. Disrespect needs to be dealt with in the same manner, obviously, but it also shouldn't be given any passes. It's okay to stand your ground and recognize your worth. It's okay to let the person know what you're not willing to tolerate in the relationship. Friendships and romantic partnerships alike (and also professional relationships) are allowed to have boundaries; without them, you're basically allowing too much chaos to happen. This honestly needs to be stated more often because I truly feel as if there's too much passiveness in some people, and it makes working with them more difficult. 

The minute you stop being a child is when you are able to think for yourself and form your own opinions about the world around you. This means that age is relative and maturity is what most people look at within others when it comes to whether or not someone is capable enough. This is why it's important to assess early on exactly what your goals and values are in life. You can work on developing these either with a coach/therapist, or you can do it on your own terms. Whatever choice you make is up to you, but with where I'm at now with my own growth personally, I realize that it's okay to allow other people to offer their support. Finding people who can encourage you and want to see you succeed is important if you decide to start taking on a more active role in your life. 

To end this post, I'm going to loosely quote a saying that one of my friends has passed down many times: creating a life by your own design involves a process of healing, creating and becoming. My interpretation of this means that in order to become the person you want to be, you need to not only heal any wounds or traumas that are holding you back, you also need to be proactive and decide/create a vision for what it is you want for yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you want to stand for? What do you want to value, and are your own actions in alignment with that? 

Rejection, Timidness and Having a "False" Identity (Life According to an Introvert)

Every time I've put myself out there because I wanted to make a connection, it's been easier for me to keep people at arm's length and not let them get too close to me. Out of all the times I've sought out a person on my own terms, and not necessarily in a romantic sense, it's because I was in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to allow that relationship to happen organically. I may have made mistakes in those relationships I first took action on, but at least it's helping me to see that it's possible for me to make connections on my own. 

On the other side of the coin, when I allow other people to pursue me first, a number of things could end up happening. Not all of those outcomes are necessarily negative, but in knowing what my weaknesses are (ie. overthinking, caring too much, going down unproductive thought spirals, etc.), I realize that it's in my own power to either give a situation too much of my mental and emotional energy, or to just get lazy because I don't enjoy putting in the effort. I know what my growing pains were when I was younger... I know what my vices have been when it comes to how I show up for others. There are a lot of things in life I can't control. Sometimes, admitting that to myself is very difficult. It fuels this insecurity within me that makes me feel like my worthiness means nothing to the other person, and this puts on display my own lack of self-validation. 

Putting all of this into a simpler perspective, I feel as if the one thing I still struggle with is understanding how much worth I actually have. It's easy for me to lean on whatever vices or bad habits I can find, like perfectionism. Perfectionism has been both a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me over the years because it allows me to put on this face that says I feel good on the outside, but on the inside, I don't feel great at all. I realize that in saying all of this (not that the realization is new or anything), it's just easier for me to cover up my insecurities than it is for me to show up in a way that's real and unfiltered.

My fear of rejection and shy demeanor seems to stem from more than one cause. I know that I've faced rejection in the past; it isn't fun to experience. I know I've learned from these things, but having ADD and a learning disability doesn't make dealing with that process any easier. Trust requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability that can sometimes feel very scary. Eye contact takes a certain amount of comfort and confidence in one's innate abilities to participate with other people. Giving someone their full, undivided attention seems to take more effort because it means putting all other distractions on pause. People seem to be more comfortable in staying within their comfort zone because well, safety and security is what we instinctively become drawn to, but where's the fun in that? 

To wrap up this post, I guess what I judge or project comes from recognizing what humanity's flaws are on a general scale. I get that none of us are perfect, but sometimes, people need to be willing to expose more of their real selves instead of always putting on an act. You're honestly not going to lose much of anything by breaking down your walls. Love is all that people want at the end of the day, and the road to gaining that doesn't have to be achieved in a certain way with any rules or conditions. 

A Letter to Myself When I Experienced My 20's

Growing up becomes more challenging as you get older.... your body feels more tired easily, your memory starts to decrease and you become more comfortable with staying at home as opposed to going out; having ADD, I realize, makes things more difficult sometimes. Of course, there may also be times where you have more energy to do all sorts of fun and creative things; you'll want to spend time with friends or even enjoy your solitude. Being an adult is hard, but I know there's still some youthful energy inside of you. Try your best to hold onto that. 

You've learned a lot. Always try your best to respect your own growth journey. Try to be more present and enjoy the little things, even if other people aren't bothering to notice that themselves. Learn to exercise more care, compassion and balance with yourself and how you navigate the world; you know that God's got your back no matter what. You have such a strong support system behind you as well; don't forget to extend appreciation for them as much as you can. Society may seem harsh or unforgiving at times... There may be moments where it feels like you're being forced to take on more responsibility. It's okay to speak up for yourself and put yourself first. It's honestly quite necessary for you to do that. Your needs matter. How you feel matters; stop allowing other people to convince you otherwise. You're allowed to take up space, and you don't always have to become a doormat for other people to step on or take advantage of. 

I'm proud of you for working on yourself as much as you did. I know it hasn't been easy. I know that having ADD and a learning disability makes things harder sometimes, but the knowledge you've gained through therapy/counseling and other places as well is paying off greatly. I know there have been times where it didn't feel that way and things felt lackluster. I know that you've gone through phases of not caring at all about God's impact on your life. I know you've given yourself headaches, trying to figure out your own sense of worth and purpose from a more "self-centered" perspective. You think too much, but this isn't always a bad thing. You just need to learn how to balance that out with allowing yourself to rest and be in the present moment. You know exactly how to help yourself, and this is the biggest asset you have for setting better habits. It's definitely okay to be proud of yourself for taking the initiative on so many things related to growth and learning. This is the kind of attitude that can help get you far in your own goals in life. You'll figure out what those are at your own pace. 

SPEAKING TO YOU AT AGE 25/26

Even though you've gone through a lot of change and growth, I think it's time you recognize that you don't have to do it all alone. I'm saying this, and yet, I know that I struggle with being too independently-minded still on occasion. Your pride may get bruised or beaten down, but it's better to let people help you when you need it. It's okay if that makes you feel uncomfortable sometimes. Just know that you'd be surprised what might happen the more you open up to others. You've gotten a bit too comfortable with isolation at times, and this hasn't exactly helped you with your mental and emotional health on more than one occasion, so try your best to prioritize self-care and improving or challenging your thoughts. 

Everybody grows at their own pace. Everybody has their own struggles in their own life. Your anger, sadness and frustration blindsides you; it distracts you from seeing the bigger picture of what God has in store for you. At 31 years old now, I realize that this is the reason why you thought it would be easier to just find yourself through other people at times, but doing things that way doesn't always yield better results. If anything, it's made you a little more confused and misguided. You've tried your best. You showed up for yourself and for God at just the right time, even if the things you've been through were difficult and challenging. Go easy on yourself. I'm proud of you. I know that God is proud and loves you as well (as well as Mom and Dad), and it's okay if you can't fathom that at times or feel undeserving of it. That just makes you human. 

My Final Testimony (Coming Back to Jesus)

 Confusion is something that happens in my life more often than not. Confusion and overthinking is what led me to believe that I could live without God when I first entered my 20's. I didn't understand a lot about Him, and because I was allowing my emotions to dictate my train of thought, I ended up rejecting Him early on. 

My identity outside of my disability has been a work in progress for me. I've always enjoyed learning. I still have mostly fond memories of my time in high school, and I especially enjoyed my English classes. Naturally, I'd say that writing became an outlet for me once I turned 16. It's crazy to think how much time has passed since I first started this blog. So who was I if I wasn't keeping myself busy with schoolwork or blogging? I never questioned my mental disabilities when I was younger, but I know I've felt left out at times because sometimes, I had to be separated from my friends and take specialized classes for people with impairments or disabilities. 

Turning 20 honestly imposed a lot of challenges on me. I wasn't ready to grow up. I wasn't ready to face a lot of things on my own; I'm grateful for all the support that my parents have given me over the years, and to this day, I still try my best to remain grateful. I've learned a lot about myself through various relationships, but not all of them were romantic. Different people at work have helped to shape who I am. Any other people that I've sought out, whether in person or online, have also challenged me to look inward more and really figure out some tough questions that most people would struggle to answer within a single lifespan. So where did God fit into this puzzle? Why exactly did I push away and reject Him for so long? Well, I think the reason for that is because I was holding onto a lot of shame, guilt and frustration for knowing my own weaknesses and mental deficiencies. My character is my own to define, or at least, that's what various people have told me, but none of that seemed to be enough for me to keep going. Everything that I do, every choice I make and every thought I have is something that's just part of my own consciousness. That's what some people keep telling me, but honestly, who says that our identities have to be limited to our own mental, physical and emotional abilities or capabilities? 

Overthinking or over-analyzing can only get a person so far in life. Yes, we have so much "potential" that we could tap into. The US is a very abundant and affluent place to live in, but there's another part of our health that gets sorely overlooked: our spiritual health. Do you believe that God exists? A lot of people like to push traditional boundaries and find their own path within the more modern realm of spirituality; I'm not going to knock on or judge those principles, but believing that there's a Creator who has willed everything into existence, and has a power that's beyond what any human being can understand... I can say that I wholeheartedly believe in that now. Everything that the Bible talks about isn't just stories or fables. They're blueprints that help to guide humanity and give a sense of direction on how to live a life that's in alignment with what He sees and values. 

My purpose lies in His hands now. The more I pray and remind myself of how much God loves me for who I am even if I fall short sometimes, the more I'm able to recognize my worth- and not with my own set of eyes anymore. It's honestly quite freeing to realize that all I have to do is just be me, and God can help steer me in the right direction in any situation. His trust doesn't need to be earned nor do we have to come up with some formulated blueprint of what we think is required to know who God is. I've tried doing Christianity from that perspective, and it just doesn't work. There's a difference between spirituality and religion. I hope hearing my insights and reading this testimony can help inspire you in some way. Thanks for reading! 

Personal Reflections & Goals: Hobbies & Passions

My hobbies are for my own sense of peace and satisfaction, but making time for them isn't always easy. There are a lot of things I enjoy doing for fun- reading, blogging, doing puzzles, sketching, playing the piano or just spending time with my 2 cats. 

I've struggled a lot to identify what it is that I feel passionate about over the years. I have ADD, so it's hard enough to keep myself focused on the bigger picture sometimes or to not get distracted by things. I know that fashion is something I've always held a passion for. I also know that self-expression is important to me in general. I love writing. I love posting different musings, stories or other interests I have onto this blog. 

I've circled through a lot of different topics onto this blog, like fashion, minimalism, anime or any other shows/movies I've watched. I know I've also talked about other lifestyle related things, like health and wellness. I've learned a lot about myself because of me talking about all these different interests I have, and I'm glad that I have this blog as a time capsule of sorts to help document my growth as a person. 

There is no definitive conclusion I have for this particular post, but I do know that for a while at least, I've been inactive here on my blog. I'm going to start changing that. If there are any small goals I have going forward, it's not only to start blogging again (generally speaking), but also to start thinking more creatively again when it comes to what kind of content I want to make. I think that going forward, I want to start being more open and spontaneous when it comes to what it is I decide to write about. Writing stories takes up a lot of time, but there are still certain aspects of the process that I enjoy. I'm sure I'll find more inspiration on things to write about as time goes on, but for now, this post is going to act as a spring board for more creative growth and spontaneity! 

Film Review: The Boy and the Heron (Studio Ghibli Production)

Because it would be too difficult for me to review this movie without giving away spoilers, I’d advise that you read this at your own risk. I saw this movie in theaters about a month ago and highly enjoyed it, but there’s a lot that I want to discuss about how the movie was structured, as well as some of the characters and their interactions with each other. 

The pacing of this film is done well in my opinion. It’s only been in my own experiences that I’ve never found Hayao Miyazaki’s films to have too many dead moments between each scene. With this movie in particular (The Boy and the Heron), I found that Mahito’s journey provides many purposeful actions, while others help him to understand that not everything is within his control. Having lost his mother at a young age during a time of war- or at least, that’s what is depicted until later in the film- he has to deal with having to move to a new home with his father, who’s now married to Natsuko. 

Early on into the movie, Mahito runs into a talking heron not too long after moving into his new house. I think that what Miyazaki does well with his films is that he incorporates many different layers not just to the story and its characters, but also with different art forms and textures when building each world. Other works like Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle or Castle in the Sky have a very similar feel to them when it comes to the art and illustration of the characters and the world they live in. It’s simplistic, but also colorful, rich and vibrant. This is a classic animation style, but upon seeing that same style in The Boy and the Heron, it made me feel nostalgic in a way, but also comforted and excited. 

Mahito’s interactions with the elderly housekeepers was something that initially made me laugh a little as most elderly women can be very doting on younger people. In other light-hearted moments throughout the movie, you can see that the Grey Heron or even Kiriko share these kinds of interactions through wit or sarcasm. If there’s any connection that becomes the most intense, but also notable for Mahito’s growth, it’s Himi. It’s through her that he’s able to achieve his goal of finding his first mother, but in the same instance, he realizes that what he really needed is to recognize the love she had for him so that he could move forward and accept the love that his step-mother wanted or struggled to give him. 

Without getting too philosophical here, I do want to briefly touch on the themes represented in this film. Sometimes, losses, change and/or moving forward can be extremely difficult if you don’t have a strong enough support system. Mahito’s father, at times, could be seen as supportive or even protective- though, it’s perhaps to the point of coming across as aggressive- of his well-being when he fell ill and passed out, but other times, he could be seen as absent or distant. Mahito’s circumstances in terms of moving to a new environment obviously played a part in his growth, but I’d say that the impact was more of a slow build with some ups and downs. It wasn’t until the very end of the movie where you see him leaving the estate with his father and Natsuko that the three of them finally seem happy with each other. 

For movies of this nature, I’d say it’s important to recognize that not every character needs to be labeled as “good”, “bad” or “evil”. Natsuko was pregnant for most of the movie. Mahito was struggling to adapt to various changes in his environment, and his father Shoichi has a very demanding job as a factory CEO. Even the other secondary characters like the Grey Heron and Kiriko could be seen as catalysts for Mahito’s growth and journey, even if their personalities differed from his. Realism and fantasy are blended well within Miyazaki’s films, and I believe this is one reason why so many people are drawn to them in the first place. Would I recommend this movie for young, school-age children? Probably not. It would be more ideal for teenagers or middle-school aged kids to watch as they may have a better grasp of what’s going on. Having said all of this however, I can say that I highly enjoyed the movie and would rate it at a full 5 stars on a 5-star rating scale. 

ADHD and Concentration (Inattention Deficits)

You’ll notice that even though it’s easier for me to classify my disability as ADHD when making this blog series, I was actually diagnosed with ADD as a child. This means that most of my difficulties have to do with my ability to focus or concentrate. In particular, sometimes it can be difficult to complete different tasks when being instructed to. Hyperactivity, for me at least, comes and goes. I don’t remember ever experiencing hyperactivity as a child, but I do remember what my parents have said to me in that I used to have to take what they’d call “pay attention” medicine. Without that medicine, it would become harder for me to stay focused in school.

Nowadays with me being an adult, focus and concentration is something I have to put more effort into. Depending on the task at hand, or on the condition of my mental health, my attention span can either feel all over the place like I’m the energizer bunny, or directly in the zone. The one thing that makes focusing somewhat easier for me now, as opposed to when I was a kid, is that I know which tools to utilize. Sometimes, getting enough exercise or vitamin D can improve my focus and concentration greatly. Other times, I may decide to break up my work into smaller chunks to help avoid fatigue or exhaustion. This system works for school projects or papers, or even when I’m working on creative projects. Even with my day job, I try my best to take small mental breaks, whether it’s for a couple of seconds between each customer, or by simply sitting down once it’s time for me to take one of my unpaid breaks.

Having a shorter attention span, or a “sloth brain” as I’ve once described to a friend of mine, shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not try new things, even if it takes longer to learn them. I know that throughout my 20’s, I’ve experimented with a lot of different productivity methods and dived pretty heavily into minimalism as a lifestyle. And so while I can only speak from personal experience here, decluttering and looking for ways to simplify your life can greatly help to reduce the amount of times you experience an ADHD meltdown, or even a depressed episode. If I were to experience a rough day where my focus and concentration just isn’t where I want it to be and I start feeling the need to withdraw or hide in a corner, sometimes breath work and mindfulness can help alleviate those issues temporarily if not permanently. 

Over the years, I’ve realized that for me at least, my depression has always existed because I wasn’t focusing on my own worth and well-being, and a lot of my self-talk was pretty harsh, negative and unforgiving. And in all honesty here, I still struggle with these things sometimes if not often. Positive thinking is a muscle you have to build up, and while this may sound easy in theory, it can actually take quite a bit of time and practice if you’re just starting out for the first time. And even though I consider myself to be very passionate in my efforts to advocate for better mental health, the truth of the matter is that sometimes, I need to be reminded that I’m human as well. Forgetfulness happens. I still have impulsive tendencies. Like anybody else, I don’t always enjoy putting in the work to take care of myself, but it’s not because I’m “being lazy”... it’s because I have and still experience meltdowns that are in correlation to my attention deficits. 

There was a point of time in my life where I took medication at the start of my 20’s, and for a while, it did help. However, the more I took it as time went on, I started to develop a lot of headaches and pent up tension in my neck and shoulders. I then made the decision to stop taking it because of these “symptoms”, for lack of better word. I still stand firm in this decision to this day as it has allowed me to see my health from a more holistic perspective, and even though my ADD still makes the process more difficult sometimes, I will always try my best to make my health and well-being a priority. Just remember that even if you’re only taking baby steps like drinking enough water, brushing your teeth and washing your face, those tiny little habits can add up over time and help promote a better sense of happiness and wellness. 

ADHD & Communication

This is an area of my life that has been a struggle for me for the longest time. It's frustrating for me to be held to a neuro-typical standard and to be told that I need to stop interrupting others, or that I need to learn to operate on a lesser version of myself. Choosing to be a good listener takes effort. I'm not saying this to make an excuse, because over time, I have gained more awareness of why communication is hard for me. 

I don't like it when I lose my temper or when I'm short on patience. I don't like it when I'm being told the same information multiple times. Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I can't or that I'm unable to retain information; it just takes a little more time for me to understand. Just because I get distracted or lost in thought easily doesn't mean I don't care about another person's input. I've learned over the years that even if I'm not given a lot of information on how to do something, I can find ways to become more adaptable and resourceful, even if I don't always enjoy being put in that position. I also recognize and understand deep down that not everything is going to be spoon-fed to me because well, I'm not a child anymore. I don't see myself as a kid anymore, and if I want to give a good first impression towards anybody I meet either personally or professionally, I have to learn to hold myself to a respectable standard. 

So what kinds of challenges exactly do I face when it comes to communication and ADHD? Losing my train of thought is one instance; it happens to me often. I also tend to be forgetful. Sometimes I need things to be repeated because my ability to maintain focus and concentration is difficult for me, and I know that this is something that's related to the way my brain works. I can't always help it if it seems like I'm zoning out or being spacey. 

Within the ADHD community, you hear certain words or phrases a lot, like "executive functioning" or being neurodivergent. Executive functioning means that in the ADHD brain, it takes more cognitive function from the prefrontal cortex to develop better mechanisms for how we process and store information. Being held to neurotypical standards, or having a brain that can function at a speed that is average, is something that people with ADHD tend to face a lot. Our brains, within society's standards, are not something that's qualified as "normal", and so a lot of everyday tasks that most people can handle easily take extra time and effort in the ADHD brain. The reason why I'm explaining this is because when it comes to communication, there are so many things that go through our mind that we want to say, but if we blurt them out at the wrong time, we could be instantly be met with annoyance or judgment from the other person on the receiving end. Imagine if you told your dog to stop wagging its tail, or if you told a 5-year-old to stop crying. All that's going to do is make the problem worse. That, plus it's just not nice. Within my experiences, I can safely say that I've been slowly trying to better my own bad habits when it comes to communication, but at the end of the day, all of those efforts that I put in still take up a lot of my own mental energy. Over time, this can exhaust my brain if I don't give it proper nourishment and stimulation. 

Excuses come from a place of not wanting to try. I know I've carried a lot of excuses or justifications over the years for why I didn't want to try. I don't consider myself to be lazy, but I am able to recognize when I feel more tired than usual. ADHD burnout is real, and it's a symptom that comes from neglecting my own needs too much and putting everybody else's needs first. This has been a habit I've carried with me for as long as I can remember, and I never could really grasp the concept of boundaries until my later 20's. I feel like at age 31 now, I'm finally starting to recognize what my boundaries are. I have very little tolerance for people that drain my energy, but at the same time, I've become a bit more mature now when it comes to the concept of burning bridges. People shouldn't be treated like meaningless transactions. We are all human at the end of the day and we all carry beating hearts as well as very complex, human emotions. It's slowly become easier for me over time to really understand this, but at the same time, I know I'm not perfect. I still have my moments. It's okay for me to be human, but just like everybody else, I still have the choice to take responsibility for what I say and do- and quite frankly, I feel like I've become a lot smarter over the years than what some people give me credit for. 

Taking responsibility for your actions is important. My life doesn't have to revolve around me, even though I do have ADHD. Becoming an advocate for yourself, and especially your behavior- even if the action wasn't done out of malicious intent- is something that's been ingrained into me since turning 20. People aren't going to sugarcoat things to you the older you get; that's just how life works. However, for us people with ADHD, sometimes we do need that extra guidance. Sometimes we need to be given a gentle reminder every now and then that we are capable of achieving our goals and that someone believes in us. If all we get told is to do something without any other explanation or instructions, then you're basically setting that person up for failure. 

I hope that sharing my own insights and experiences can shed a light on the challenges I face when it comes ADHD and communication. I don't want my posts on this subject to ever come across as complaining, but to be completely honest and transparent here, being an adult just sucks no matter what your circumstances are in life. A little kindness and compassion can go a long way for so many people in this world. I get that life is hard, but I honestly believe that the last thing that we should be focusing on is negativity, complaining, being judgmental, or constantly focusing on a person's faults or shortcomings because over time, this kind of mindset can make people feel like they're worthless or useless. Sending much thanks and gratitude to anyone who has taken the time to read this! 

What Are My Core Values & Beliefs?

1. Open and Honest Communication- I realize now that while I still consider myself highly spiritual, I don't want this one facet of me to override my ability to speak from a place of complete transparency and openness, and especially in relationships. It hasn't always been easy for me to be open about my own personal issues, so perhaps it would be easier for me to admit that while I don't want to limit myself, I have since accepted this one harsh reality that not everybody has your best interest at heart. I would rather keep myself to a standard that’s open and honest around those that I can trust because this allows for more genuine connections to take place.

2. Authenticity- Being with someone who allows me to be 100% myself and to freely express myself is such a great feeling. God knows that my heart has been through a lot over the years, and while I try my best to take comfort in His promises, the journey of allowing Him to work through my own heart always feels a little easier when I have friends, or even a partner, who are able to offer full respect for the kind of person I am deep down.

3. Freedom and Independence- While I don’t want to speak for anyone else here, I’d like to think that most people would associate freedom or independence with being able to make choices that can satisfy their own happiness and well-being. It’s not overrated to think that happiness is something that can be an extension of one’s well-being, because in all honesty here, a world without joy or happiness just feels dull and boring to me. Life is too short to play by society’s rules or to allow others to tell you how you should live your life; I've learned this many times in my life and I can tell you this from experience: the less you care about things that don't matter, the better off you are in the long term!

4. Spirituality & Wellness- The way I see the world is directly connected to how I feel about myself on a mental, emotional and spiritual level. If I feel like I’m operating too much from one lens and not allowing enough balance to exist, then some readjustments need to be made. I don’t like seeing things purely from a black and white perspective when it comes to religious or spiritual affairs, and my reasoning for that is because I believe in compassion, empathy and unconditional love- and these are things that I know that Jesus has embodied during his time here on earth. It’s not my place to shame people or to cast down judgment unless it’s absolutely necessary, and quite frankly, I feel as if too many people in this world tend to get hung up on behaviors that don’t give away the full picture. It’s one thing to say that you won’t tolerate abuse or violence; I would obviously never condone such acts. However, I feel like it’s inexcusable to ignore or dismiss any underlying mental or emotional problems that could possibly aid to any “bad behavior”.

Getting to this place of fullness of what I believe in and not feeling sorry for that has been a process. I've been putting in a lot of work behind closed doors to unlearn certain beliefs that didn't feel like my own, and the person I want to become is someone that I can feel proud of in my own right. It is possible to create a life by your own design, and I hope that speaking up on what I believe in can help encourage anybody out there who may feel lost, confused or hopeless. Your life and well-being matters. NEVER forget or lose sight of that!

What I've Learned About Adult Relationships

"Adult" relationships tend to involve a lot more complexities, and the reason for that is because even though every relationship in general comes with a lesson to be learned, the weight of them over time as you get older becomes more pertinent to the state of your well-being. 

A lot of people tend to say that you shouldn't settle for less in relationships, and the older a person gets, the more this becomes a core focus. At the same time however, one must be able to understand that being overly demanding or critical doesn't equate to not settling for less. You can't make anybody see your worth; that is an inner job that only you can do for yourself. Complaining about trivial issues such as your partner's taste in music or clothing choices really aren't a big deal at the end of the day. Human behavior doesn't come without faults, and while it's easy to complain about the things your partner doesn't do or can't get done, it's usually more important to realize that we all carry faults. 

Not everybody you meet, whether in a platonic or romantic sense, will have your best interest at heart or provide a positive example. Having good intentions and failing to meet them for any number of reasons is one thing, but if certain undesirable behaviors are repeated without having learned anything, then it's up to you to choose whether or not that person is worth keeping around. Understanding tolerance or acceptance is a good measure for how much love a person holds in their heart. Forgiveness isn't something that everybody is capable of giving, but in truth, forgiveness isn't always for the person who has created issues or problems. It's more about letting go for the sake of having more peace of mind, and that's a personal choice that one needs to make for themselves in order to heal and move on. 

Petty grudges is something that I know I've been prone to holding onto. Sometimes, it's just not easy to reconcile the idea that not everybody is going to rise up to your level of expectations in love. For some, compromises may need to be made. For others, you may need to take extra time to communicate at a level that's honest and open while still holding space for empathy and compassion. For some people, it's not enough to make blanket statements in hopes that the recipient will move on from whatever it is they're dealing with. I'll admit that this is something that I still struggle with accepting when conversing with others. Open and honest communication is important to me, but if the other person doesn't value that, then it may take longer to come to a middle ground; either that, or perhaps there will need to be an "agree to disagree" kind of census. 

To wrap up this post, I feel as if relationships are only complicated if you continually choose to make them be seen as such. Perceptions need to be challenged in relationships; that's just part of what it means to grow and evolve as a person. If you continually dismiss what other people have to say, make assumptions or avoid talking about the deeper issues, then there's not much left for the relationship to stand on. And when taking Christianity into account, I'd say that believing in God and finding companionship with others who hold similar beliefs shouldn't be the only component of a healthy relationship. Every relationship takes effort regardless of where you stand in your beliefs. Every person has their own set of unique needs, and that's because every person on earth has a story to tell. I hope that this post can provide some valuable insight for anyone who needs to hear it. 

A Rebel at Heart

 I'm only one year into my 30's, but if there's one thing that's apparent with me no matter what, it's that it's never easy for me to walk a straight and narrow line in life. I've done a lot of exploration of different topics and mediums, and I know that as a result, my blog has taken on different directions over the years. In some ways, you could say that I've come full circle since my mind is multi-faceted. I started this blog so that I can have an outlet; I still see things that way now. 

In reality, I'm a very private person. It's not easy for me to open up and be vulnerable with others, but I do appreciate it when people genuinely ask how I'm doing. I appreciate forming genuine connections with other people. On the other side of the coin, I'm not afraid to say exactly what's on my mind without sugarcoating things. I like to keep things real and raw, and I know that this aids to my benefit when it comes to my creative side. 

This post doesn't really have any rhyme or reason, but I wanted to make it anyways. I've come a long way, but I know I still have a lot of life left ahead of me. I know that in many ways, writing and blogging has had a very cathartic effect on me. My emotions can be better expressed and processed in writing; that honestly hasn't changed with me. It takes a very special person for me to come out of my shell and bare out my heart. I know who that person is, but then again, I'm someone who highly values my own privacy. I know that this blog could easily lead a person to think otherwise. I guess to some extent, the way I create content is different from how other people create content. I don't like to shy away from stating my opinions, but at the same time, not everything in my life needs to be made public. I feel like I've finally come to understand that fine line and uphold some sense of balance. 

So when referring to the title of this post, a few thoughts come to mind. I do consider myself a rebel at heart, but to what extent? Well, I know I've been careless and reckless plenty of times, but that's not exactly part of what I feel makes me a rebel. I think a lot of it has to do with my mindset and how I choose to live my life. I know that I believe in God, but at the same time, I tend to hold a very progressive stance on the matter. I don't like to see things from this simplistic or black and white perspective. For me, I carry this belief that you can never learn too much in life. Humans are meant to evolve, grow and change. I love taking on new challenges, and if I ever find myself in the position of feeling too comfortable, I'll find a way to change things up. Sometimes, change can allow you to gain a new perspective on life. I know that change isn't easy to adapt to for most people, but it's just a necessary part of life. We may be made in God's image, but when it comes to living on earth, there's more than one option when it comes to navigating the ups and downs of life.

Because this post is merely just a collection of different thoughts I have on my growth as a person, I'm going to wrap this up by saying that being a rebel at heart isn't necessarily a bad thing. God knows me inside and out, and I know what I want to stand for. There may have been a point in time where I've invited too much chaos into my mind, and there may have been times where I've been the one to create chaos from confusion in one way or another. Either way, at least I can say I'm still standing. I definitely feel a sense of pride and happiness in who I've become, so to those of you who are reading this, I hope that you can find some sense of hope or comfort in my words. Or if not, then perhaps you can at least gain better insight on what kind of person I am. 

ADHD and Boredom

There have been plenty of moments where I’ve had this lackluster feeling, or like I can’t find anything else to do with my time. It’s one thing where you realize that there are bigger things that need to be checked off that you’re avoiding, but that’s a separate issue in itself. For me, boredom can feel like this unconscious, restless feeling or sensation. It makes it hard for me to concentrate or maintain focus on the things I truly want to get done. On other days, this can feel like I’m holding onto this weight within my head, but pinpointing the cause doesn’t always come easy. 

When someone with ADHD is experiencing boredom, this can lead to a lot of different outcomes for entertainment. Since I have the inattentive-type of ADHD (or better known as ADD), my focus can sometimes be put into hyper-speed, and I start going down rabbit holes on the Internet or on YouTube. Sometimes the things I binge watch can be fashion-related content, and other times, I can binge-watch a bunch of minimalism content, which then triggers my impulsive drive and I start to take on a bunch of decluttering or organizing projects within my space. This is basically the pattern of how I started my own decluttering journey, and while I’d say I’m finally in a place where I don’t need to declutter as often as I used to, I still like to make it habit whenever it’s needed in order to maintain a clutter-free space. 

Some of my most intense rabbit holes can involve me binge-watching a TV show until 2 in the morning. Whenever I do this, especially on nights where my boredom is getting in the way of sleep, I never end up feeling fully rested the next day. Thankfully, this habit doesn’t happen as often as it used to when I was in my 20’s. I honestly spent a lot of my time binge-watching a little too much in my 20’s now that I’m thinking about it. Nowadays, I try to be more mindful of how much time I spend on platforms like Netflix, DisneyPlus and/or YouTube. I could honestly go into more depth with how I’ve been able to pull the brakes on this one habit, but I’ll save that for another time. 

This post, along with the others I’m making in this series, are heavily inspired by this one channel on YouTube called How to ADHD. I’ve learned a lot of valuable information from the channel so far, but I still have a lot of research and additional learning to do in order to pump out more content on this topic. There’s a lot to learn and understand when it comes to recognizing this condition for what it is, and the symptoms that come with it vary from person to person. Of course, I’m not a professional; I’m just sharing my own experiences and how ADHD affects my own life. I hope you can gain some value or insight out of this, and thanks for reading! 

RESOURCE: How to ADHD YouTube channel link: https://www.youtube.com/c/howtoadhd

When Words Fail, Music Speaks (Personal Update)

If I could describe the state of my mental health throughout the past month up until this week, I'd say it's been rough. I've learned a lot about myself. God has been working inside of me a lot, and because of Him, I've changed. No embellishments or exaggerations; God has transformed my heart into something that's bigger and better than ever! 

It may take a bit more time before I feel ready to discuss this journey in full detail, but if there's one thing I'm willing to share, it's a small playlist of songs that have helped me to make sense of what's been going on inside of me. Each of these songs hold a special meaning to me for different reasons, and I thought it'd be worth it to share a quick analysis of each song. 

1. Separate Ways (cover) by Daughtry and Halestorm- Breakups and separations aren't easy, but what's even more difficult is realizing that sometimes, it takes more time than most to really get over somebody that you still love. Sometimes, certain people really touch your heart in ways that are hard to describe. The tone of this song can sometimes feel sad and heavy, but other times, it might have a more lamenting tone to it. It really just depends on how you feel when you hear this song. 

2. Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran- If you have any vices or habits that only lead to you spiraling backwards, well then, that's this song in a nutshell. However, I feel like there's another layer to this song that not a lot of people would consider, and it's how trauma bonding works. If you've ever been in a relationship that wasn't good for you, have you considered what made you feel drawn to that person in the first place? Sometimes, the habits we carry internally can affect the next relationship we get into, and this song perfectly illustrates that. 

Before I continue on and list out more songs, I want to quickly disclose that if you're currently in a relationship that's bad for you, please DO NOT continue ignoring those warning signs! For some, it may be harder to tell. It's very easy to misjudge people, and social media has this tendency to only make this problem worse. Every person has their own flaws and faults. It never hurts to educate yourself on what's real and what's not when it comes to a person's warning signs, but, please, NEVER trust what social media has to say on the matter. 

3. End Game by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran & Future)- Have you ever met someone who just carries this mysterious aura, and you just can't help but feel drawn to it? Or maybe you've heard rumors about this person, and your first instinct is to ignore them and find out for yourself if this person is worth the risk or not. Taylor's songwriting talents are honestly unmatched, but with this song in particular, I feel like she just perfectly explains and describes the feelings that come with finding someone who can fulfill this "power couple" type of dynamic. 

4. Warning Signs by Alex G (now known as Alex Blue; YouTube Artist)- This whole song is honestly so beautifully written, but my favorite line is "twisting what she knows is right" as sung in the chorus. That line right there just perfectly describes what happens when someone's views of reality have been challenged more than enough times. It can make a person feel like they're going insane. What's real anymore? Am I really living, or have I just created a fabricated version of life in my head? 

5. The Hardest Thing by Tyler Ward- Soul mates and twin flames aren't the same thing, but the pain that comes with having to move on without that person can definitely feel impossible sometimes. With twin flames, this means that a person will come into someone's life to help them learn something about themselves, and the connection between the two individuals doesn't have to be romantic. Soul mates, on the other hand, become a mirror of you on a deeper level. They stay not just in your heart, but also in your soul. The way Tyler describes the pain of not having that deep connection anymore is very raw and real; you can just hear it in the way he sings. 

6. What It's Like to Be Lonely by Tyler Ward- While this song has a similar theme to Ed Sheeran's song "Bad Habits", the musical tone of this is definitely more somber and serious. In all honesty, I'd say that this is a more raw depiction of what loneliness really feels like. Time could continue to pass by, but sometimes, that empty feeling just stops you in your tracks and you're not sure what to do with it. This is the kind of loneliness that's the hardest to get through because it reminds you of how much love you still hold in your heart. 

7. Requiem (Original Broadway Version by Laura Dreyfuss) from Dear Evan Hansen- In reality, some people really can be cruel and uncaring. It's an unfortunate part of having to live among other human beings and figuring out what love actually is in the midst of pain, anger, hurt and trauma. For some, love isn't an easy thing to express. For others, love may mean having to pick up your own broken pieces and to stop avoiding reality. I feel like part of me has finally come to understand this song, but then again, I can't say that I know for certain what it means to have a relationship with someone who is beyond repair. Human nature, in God's image at least, is seen as perfect. However, not everybody believes in God, and honestly, I feel as if that's only part of the problem.