It’s been quite some time since I’ve highlighted anything regarding ADHD, but there are some new things that I thought I’d address now that I’ve gained a bit more experience, and with other like-minded individuals like me. So even though I’m still a work in progress in some ways, my ability to communicate with others depends directly on the state of my mental health. Trauma plays a very small part in what I’m able to speak up about or not, or at least, that’s what I’d like to believe. Staying silent hasn’t done me any favors in some cases, but in other ways, it has led to some growth, learning and healing. The most problematic or difficult experiences I’ve faced, however, is how to maintain relationships with other people who have a neurodivergent brain like me.
It’s taking time for me to recognize that while my own feelings and emotions are valid, that doesn’t mean that I should use them to hurt other people or twist another person’s words just because I feel hurt. Getting older doesn’t always mean getting wiser, because realistically speaking here, whether I have ADD or not, I’d still be making rookie mistakes every now and then. Pride tells me that this is why I get to feel the way I do, and this person’s actions or lack thereof proves that. I could have a full-on conversation in my head while everyone else around me is just minding their own business. Letting go of what makes me feel agitated, angry and hurt can either be easy or difficult depending on how much mental energy and focus I have. If my focus is aimless, then there’s no chance of me calming down whatsoever. Put me with someone who also has communication issues, and you’ll notice that there’s a lot that doesn’t get said, or we could end up saying the wrong things to each other sometimes.
I know I should be more empathetic of other people within “my own tribe”. Quite frankly, I feel as if my subconscious brain still holds onto some toxic habits that make me forget about my own ADD issues because I haven’t been exposed to other people with ADHD all that often growing up. Part of me has gotten a bit too used to feeling like a “normal” person with no issues, and so without that exposure, it’s made it difficult for me to meet other people where they’re at in life in some cases. Just like how other disabilities come on a spectrum, I’m finding out that ADHD comes on a spectrum as well based on how well a person can mask their symptoms. Masking is a coping mechanism that I learned upon exiting my teenage years, and somehow, it’s become a good tool in order for me to appear “normal”, but it takes a lot of mental energy and focus. So how does all of this play into communication? I feel like the best way to describe it would be like going to a masked ball, and you never know what kinds of “secrets” the person is hiding behind their mask.
The things I compensate for when I’m masking my ADD stem from my issues with control, lack of stability from within and this internal struggle to adapt to change. I know I tend to go through phases of taking things too far and not knowing when to let go of certain feelings or people that I know aren’t serving a positive purpose in my life. It’s very debilitating to shuffle through my own issues and figure out what’s rooted in reality and what’s rooted in trauma. I know that not everybody in this world is out to get me, and I know that people are going to make mistakes. Sometimes, it feels as if I have to put up a tighter guard because I’ve been taken advantage of one too many times. What I wish other people would learn, however, is that forgiveness works both ways- and it’s okay to be vocal about that. I’ve tried to unlearn many bad habits over the years; it’s still taking me time to heal. I do want to continue being more vocal about the things that I think people need to hear more often, but it’s really difficult to find peace sometimes when you don’t receive the same kind of treatment back.
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