I don’t know what it is about the human mind that fascinates me so much, but if I had to be honest, it’s probably because there’s always something new for me to learn in that field. Every human is capable of reaching their highest potential, but at the same time, we tend to get in our own way or will come across these mental roadblocks. Some have been able to identify these roadblocks and have called them “self-limiting beliefs”. An example of this can be as simple as believing you’re not a good cook, or believing that you’re not capable of being loved. It takes continuous patience, awareness and hard work to unlearn certain thoughts or beliefs you have of yourself, and the cause of these taking place can come from numerous influences in our lives (or ourselves).
Now before I get into the detailed briefings on this subject, I want to point out one major difference that might get overlooked here. Having a self-limiting belief doesn’t mean you’re stupid, or that there’s no way for you to learn. Everybody is able to learn different skills at their own pace, but if you weren’t taught how to master a specific skill, then that’s a different story. In the instance of cooking for example, anybody can learn that. It takes just as much effort, patience and help with coaching as it would with riding a bike or tying your own shoes. Let’s remember that effort is an important aspect, and another important factor here is that someone has to be there as a teacher. Otherwise, the lesson isn’t fully grasped or developed by the person who wants to learn.
My goal with this is to provide you with some simple tools for overcoming any roadblocks you may have in your life. The concept of self-limiting beliefs starts within our subconscious mind; we may be partially aware or not aware at all when we say we’re not good at something, or that we may never succeed at doing a particular task. Whatever amount of awareness you have, your brain will believe anything you or other people will say to you whether it's true or not.
Truth is subjective. Consider what your beliefs are and the impact they have on your life. Now understand this: there’s nothing wrong with having these beliefs or personal truths, but your views or feelings of said truths aren’t the only ones that exist. I also want you to consider that your personal truths or beliefs may differ from somebody else’s.
If you think about the first religion to exist on Earth, where do you think it came from? How did Buddhism come about, or why do some people praise Allah instead of God? For as long as humanity has existed, lawlessness, violence, tragedy and suffering has also existed. The point of me bringing this up is not to stir any negative or worrying thoughts or feelings, but simply to help you understand humanity’s instinct nature before religion was ever created. Mankind was placed on Earth with no sense of moral direction; all that the first human ever knew was how to survive. It’s no secret that most of humanity has evolved greatly since the birth of our species, but sometimes, our minds will still respond to different events or situations based on fear or this instinct of “survival”.
Our self-worth can sometimes be tied to other people’s opinions of who we are, or perhaps it’s more tied to an expectation that someone has placed onto ourselves (or perhaps the expectations were subconsciously there already without external pressure). This kind of thinking is common, and it typically happens at a young age where we’re most impressionable to the adults in our lives. This is essentially defined as “people pleasing”, and one thing to understand with people pleasing is that while it’s a normal, conditioned behavior based on life circumstances, the consequences to it later in life can be detrimental to your own sense of identity and happiness.
People always say that happiness is just a feeling, or that happiness is not a permanent state of being. Both of these statements hold some truth, but let’s look at happiness this way as well: it’s an emotion that comes and goes and is encouraged for our overall health and well-being. A life without joy seems almost impossible; wouldn’t you agree with that? For all the other feelings and emotions we experience such as sadness, pain, misery, disgust or anger, we also get to experience joy. One of the first emotions that humans experience upon being born is joy. We may not understand it fully as a newborn infant, but it is there. It enters our bodies as we see mother and father looking down at us with smiles on their faces, and that’s definitely joy in its purest form. If you can remember the smiles of your parents’ faces the moment you were born, then you know what happiness is.
Our minds work like machines in some ways. It filters out certain memories that may be unpleasant, scary or upsetting, and others may never see the light of day. As we age and gain new experiences in life, our minds have to be given time to process them. Experiential trauma can either be healed within three years or a lifetime depending on the severity of the experience. Self-limiting beliefs also have a “healing process” as well, but the amount of time it takes to “heal” differs from person to person. The only difference between trauma and a self-limiting belief is that trauma has a more residual impact; it never fully goes away.
One thing that can help rewire a self-limiting belief is assigning yourself a mantra. You can either say this mantra aloud or silently to yourself; the effect is the same. If you believe that you’re unworthy of being loved, challenge that thought with your mantra. You could say to yourself “I am worthy of love”, or if your mantra is more religious/spiritual, it might sound like this: “Jesus loves me, so I will love myself”. Whatever you choose to say to yourself will have an impact on your self-worth, and no one else has the power to take that away from you.
I realize that perhaps having a mantra or affirmation can be cliche, and if this exercise just doesn’t feel right to you, that’s okay. Resistance is normal and part of the process, but if you resist too much, the effects of that on your mental/emotional health will be negative, and you won’t experience much inner growth. One thing to realize here is that growth is painful, and when you avoid or replace it with some other activity, that will only delay the process temporarily. This is how addiction starts, whether it's with technology, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or even shopping.
Another way to unlearn a self-limiting belief is to catch it the minute it happens, breathe and then question it. Sometimes a deep inhale and exhale can give some clarity as to why the thought was said in the first place. Do you actually hold this belief to be true to who you are? Were you ever taught how to achieve success with this one task? What kind of standard was set that makes you think this isn’t obtainable? Sometimes the standards we set for ourselves can be unrealistic, and if you break those down into smaller steps that feel more achievable, there’s more of a chance that you’ll succeed. Most people typically measure success by the size of the task, or by how long it’ll take to complete. Back to the cooking example mentioned earlier, it can be easy to compare your efforts by how long it might take for you to learn. Truth be told, it’s more about how much motivation you have rather than the five or ten years you think it might take for you to become a master chef. There’s really no specific number of years in the learning curve, because everybody learns at their own pace.
Self-limiting thoughts or beliefs can be hard work to unlearn, but it can be done. One thing that I’ve learned with this topic is that many of us, young or old, continue on this journey with struggles either big or small. I’ve had my fair share of struggles, and I’ve had to work hard in order to improve and become better. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but camaraderie or friendship is probably one of the best things we can rely on in those tough moments. And if no one else has said it yet to you today, I’m here for you and I believe in you.