Every time I've put myself out there because I wanted to make a connection, it's been easier for me to keep people at arm's length and not let them get too close to me. Out of all the times I've sought out a person on my own terms, and not necessarily in a romantic sense, it's because I was in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to allow that relationship to happen organically. I may have made mistakes in those relationships I first took action on, but at least it's helping me to see that it's possible for me to make connections on my own.
On the other side of the coin, when I allow other people to pursue me first, a number of things could end up happening. Not all of those outcomes are necessarily negative, but in knowing what my weaknesses are (ie. overthinking, caring too much, going down unproductive thought spirals, etc.), I realize that it's in my own power to either give a situation too much of my mental and emotional energy, or to just get lazy because I don't enjoy putting in the effort. I know what my growing pains were when I was younger... I know what my vices have been when it comes to how I show up for others. There are a lot of things in life I can't control. Sometimes, admitting that to myself is very difficult. It fuels this insecurity within me that makes me feel like my worthiness means nothing to the other person, and this puts on display my own lack of self-validation.
Putting all of this into a simpler perspective, I feel as if the one thing I still struggle with is understanding how much worth I actually have. It's easy for me to lean on whatever vices or bad habits I can find, like perfectionism. Perfectionism has been both a coping mechanism and a defense mechanism for me over the years because it allows me to put on this face that says I feel good on the outside, but on the inside, I don't feel great at all. I realize that in saying all of this (not that the realization is new or anything), it's just easier for me to cover up my insecurities than it is for me to show up in a way that's real and unfiltered.
My fear of rejection and shy demeanor seems to stem from more than one cause. I know that I've faced rejection in the past; it isn't fun to experience. I know I've learned from these things, but having ADD and a learning disability doesn't make dealing with that process any easier. Trust requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability that can sometimes feel very scary. Eye contact takes a certain amount of comfort and confidence in one's innate abilities to participate with other people. Giving someone their full, undivided attention seems to take more effort because it means putting all other distractions on pause. People seem to be more comfortable in staying within their comfort zone because well, safety and security is what we instinctively become drawn to, but where's the fun in that?
To wrap up this post, I guess what I judge or project comes from recognizing what humanity's flaws are on a general scale. I get that none of us are perfect, but sometimes, people need to be willing to expose more of their real selves instead of always putting on an act. You're honestly not going to lose much of anything by breaking down your walls. Love is all that people want at the end of the day, and the road to gaining that doesn't have to be achieved in a certain way with any rules or conditions.
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