I don't want to sound harsh here, but based on my own life experiences, I've come to realize that I hate certain labels that continue to be used, and one of those labels is the word "toxic". Now before I go off into any sort of rant, I want to be honest here. Every day I try my best to stay true to who I am. Every day I try my best to remember everything I stand for and not let myself get too twisted up from the inside out, but even then, I know I'm not perfect. Whenever I find myself acting in a way that isn't me, I feel genuinely guilty, and that has happened before. There have been moments where I'd have those supposed "signs" of what one would consider to be "toxic". Here's the thing though: despite this problem that I occasionally have, I do the best I can to change. I'd rather try to continually change myself and force myself to see the issue for what it is instead of hiding behind it, and unless I'm mistaken, I don't think there are many people out there who'd want to do that.
So do I have a narcissistic attitude on occasion? Yes. Do I sometimes think a little too highly of myself and will place my old values in front of the news ones that I want to maintain? Yes. Do I sometimes treat my closest friends unfairly? Yes. Do I feel guilty whenever I act this way? Yes, 100%. I can't fully explain how these traits became part of who I am, but I feel as if they only come into view whenever I think about myself too much and harshly judge my own flaws and imperfections. I never thought that something like this would happen to me, but I'm trying my best to not be my own worst critic. This ugly side of me hasn't always been around even before I was in a relationship (or even when I was a teenager), but I know better than to blame anybody for these issues I have. I fully realize and accept that I'm the only one who is responsible for my actions.
People who are "toxic" are just as human as anybody else, so why judge them? Why is it necessary to judge or label certain people just because they're more flawed than the next person? Our flaws and imperfections define who we are and that shouldn't be taken away from us; every person on this earth deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion regardless of how they treat other human beings. It's one thing to tolerate or put up with any person's type of behavior, but to see it for what it is and forgive it is another. And as hard as this is for me to say and admit, I should probably just accept the fact that not everybody in this world is capable of having a heart like mine.
I used to be friends with someone who is a devout Christian, and as fun as he was to be around, his morals are a bit different from mine. I thought that I'd be able to look past the differences we had and still love him, but as I started to change, I became less loving and tolerant towards him. I didn't want to accept that this is who he is and that he's never going to understand me fully. I took issue with how he saw me and I soon came to realize that I don't want people like him to be in my circle. As angry as I was back then, I can't help but think now that perhaps I was mainly judging myself instead of him because I used to be that way in a sense. For about year or so, I would constantly find myself trying to hold onto my Christian values and trying to remain firm in that instead of being more understanding. At the start of my adulthood, I thought I knew everything. Now that I'm on the other side, I can finally say I've changed and I don't regret anything about the decisions I've made. I'd rather continue to live for myself instead of letting my own fears, doubts and negative emotions control me. I'd rather be someone who has a genuine and compassionate heart instead only allowing myself to love halfway. The person I am now is someone that I am proud of and I personally don't see that as a bad thing.
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