Some people would rather take comfort in holding onto a belief system. Other people would rather let their mind and soul wander, roaming free throughout the Earth and discovering new ideas or ways of living. If I were to tell you that there’s comfort in freedom; in knowing that you can believe whatever you want or be whomever you want, how would that make you feel? Would it intrigue you, or would you react in fear or timidness?
For someone like me, I think that there’s a feeling of excitement. I remember the days of my childhood, where the only thing that mattered was my friends and I playing outside under the warm sunlight, hearing the birds chirping as well as the sound of footsteps on the sidewalk as couples pass by, taking their early evening stroll. Thinking back to those days of simplicity makes me smile, and at the same time, it hits me with a bittersweet feeling, knowing that all I have are memories of that time.
I was raised into a Catholic family, and so it never occurred to me then that there was so much more to life than what I was taught. I was always told to just do good for others and for God; to be respectful, kind, work hard, follow the rules and repent your sins. I was also told that the devil is real, but that never stuck with me growing up. Now I wouldn’t say I was a troublemaker or hated following the rules, but sometimes, I would find myself in odd predicaments or situations because of my curious nature. One time when I was twelve, I overheard a conversation that was going on in my neighbor’s house. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop as I was only playing hide and seek with a couple friends, but I couldn’t ignore it as I was hiding against the bushes of their back porch, with only the screen door being in its place. Now I couldn’t make out every word that was said, but with what little I could register, I grew worried and suspicious. It sounded as if they were in an argument, because I heard a couple curse words being said in a mildly hushed tone. I wanted to investigate, but what good would that do for me? I had no way of knowing what was going on inside, and even if I wanted to find out, I would probably be sent home and punished for eavesdropping, and I knew I didn’t want that.
Just as I heard someone say “Get out of my f**king house”, I ran from my hiding spot and continued running until I was back on my own front porch. It wasn’t the vulgar demand that had me scared really, but more the fear that they could have heard me rustling around outside. I don’t think anyone noticed however until a woman stepped out and waved to me like nothing happened. After she went back inside, I stared at the house in confusion, because I knew something bad did happen.
With me living on my own in the city for a year now, it feels like my adventures in life are still fun and exciting, but a little more tame than they were when I was a child. The people here aren’t as open or trusting, so making friends here hasn’t been easy so far. However, I still find myself smiling and I try my best to remain positive. My boss is flexible and understanding, I have my own office that I set up here in my apartment, and I get to travel to different places around the world. Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d be able to make it in this profession that I’m in, but nonetheless, I am grateful.
“Hey Sam, you did a great job with that editorial piece you worked on for last year’s edition.”
“Thank you, Mr. Mason. I’m just glad that you gave me that extra time to get it finished.”
“It’s no problem. You know how I am; I just want my employees to feel happy and comfortable. Speaking of which, the new intern should be here any minute. You should stick around and introduce yourself.”
“I would, but I’m already swamped with other projects that need my attention. That, plus I finally found myself a date tonight.” I can feel my cheeks turning red, but I guess Mr. Mason didn’t think anything of that last comment. He’s always been open and friendly, but he’s never really been the type to talk about his personal life, so I always just assumed that our relationship is strictly business.
“Well, you could at least stop by the break room. I brought in some doughnuts and a small chocolate cake; a little sugar never hurts anyone.” He chuckled and then showed me to an open buffet of desserts. Looks like some of the employees here contributed to the snack bar as well. I saw some chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies perfectly placed on a round platter, a tray of brownies, a small bowl of grapes, honeydew and strawberries, and at the far right end, there was a cluster of cups with soda poured into them. I laughed for a minute as I stood there, still taking it all in. “Wow, I don’t know where to start!”
“I’d recommend the brownies first. Cheryl made them herself!” Mr. Mason pointed in her direction, then took a brownie from the tray in front of him. I examined the display a minute longer, picked up a plate, and then started filling it with strawberries and honeydew. Sweets aren’t typically my thing unless I’m celebrating a birthday or some other special occasion.
“Well, just let me know if you ever want to move your office here into my building.” Mr. Mason took a napkin from the table and wiped his mouth. “We’d love to have you here so that you’re not missing out on the fun, but I understand that everyone’s work ethic is different. Just don’t work yourself too hard, okay?”
“I appreciate it, and I’ll try my best. Thanks for allowing me to come in and speak with you. I feel like this next project I’m working on deserved a face-to-face meeting.”
“Oh, it’s no problem at all. Feel free to stop by whenever you want.” After throwing away my plate and cleaning up my face, I made my way towards the door. Just as I left, I saw what looked like to be the new intern standing in front of me. We both stood in awkward silence for a moment before the intern extended her hand out to me. “H-Hi. My name’s Alex. I’m new here; first day on the ‘job’.” She laughed nervously, not knowing what to say next. After I shook hands and introduced myself to her, I made my way outside and started heading back to my apartment.
For some reason, going on dates always makes me nervous. I can never figure out what I’m supposed to do, and it always takes forever for me to decide on what to wear. I don’t want to go looking too casual, but at the same time, I don’t want to look like I’m going to a funeral or wedding. My closet is probably in need of a cleanout because most of the stuff in there is either too casual or too professional. I could go with my black dress and some black flats, or should I go for my heels? I only have two pairs of heels, one of them black and the other being silver/metallic. I guess the metallic heels would look good with this. Now what should I do with my hair? I hope this date goes well. I’m so nervous that I can feel my heart beating louder than usual. Thankfully I’m not someone who gets sweaty or passes out easily, but I am still a little anxious. Just when I felt a surge of panic rising in my chest, I swerved around and called out, “Alexa, play some calming music.”
Now I’ve never met this guy in person before, but after a few exchanges on Tinder, both of us felt ready to see each other tonight. I found out that his name is Shane Matthews. He has dirty blonde hair with hazel eyes, and out of all the other profiles that I swiped left on, his online bio felt the most real and honest. In our first conversation, I learned that he works next door to Mr. Mason’s building as a defense attorney. Turns out that Shane’s boss and Mr. Mason are close friends, which was a funny surprise. I also found out that he grew up close to where I lived, but a few more miles away.
I checked my phone to see it was only 8:30; he should be here any minute. The two of us agreed to just take a walk around the city, then stop by the nearest ice cream and shake shop on the way back.
Seeing Shane for the first time in the doorway, I couldn’t help but look down, hoping my knees wouldn’t buckle or give out of me. He is attractive, but also kind given his warm, nonjudgmental smile. He extended out his left arm, and I placed my hand on his bicep, realizing just how firm and strong it is. He placed his hand on mine and I looked up at him, suddenly realizing that his eyes were locked onto mine for a moment. “Are you ready to head out now? You look great by the way.”
“Thank you, and yes, we can head out now.”
“Great. I want to show you something while we’re out tonight.”
After an hour of walking around, Shane pulled my arm a little and we started running towards the center of the Square. “Where are we going? My arm is tired.”
“You’ll have to keep running to find out.”
“My legs are tired as well.” Shane laughed at my comment and then picked me up, being careful enough to not drop me on the ground. “Is that better?” I smiled and laughed, and before I could do anything, he inched his face closer to mine to kiss me. I was shocked for a minute, but then I closed my eyes and went along with it. His lips felt soft, and yet, I could also feel something else in his kiss. It was passionate, but still gentle as he ran his fingers through my hair. After a moment, he released his grip and I stood back up. We held hands the rest of the way as I followed him to the center.
“So this is what you wanted to show me?” We were now standing in front of a museum, and I gave Shane a confused look. He laughed and said, “Turn around, silly. And keep your eyes shut.” I did as he instructed, not knowing what was happening. Part of me feels anxious, but I’m also excited. Just as I was about to squeal out of impatience, he placed his hands on mine and lifted them off my eyes. Right in front of me, I saw nothing and glanced over to him. “Look up,” he said while smiling at me. It was then that I saw fireworks going off, and I instantly hugged him. “How did you pull this off?”
“I know a guy. But just you wait! The good part’s going to happen soon.” Within a couple minutes, I could see another set of fireworks spiraling up, each one of them spelling out a letter. Eventually I could see all the letters in full, spelling out the question “Will you be my girlfriend?” I turned around in Shane’s direction, gave him a kiss and cheerfully said yes.
Once we entered the ice cream and shake shop, Shane offered to take my purse as we made our way towards the line. He said that this will be his treat, and while that made me feel a little uncomfortable at first, I shrugged it off and went along with it. We both ordered a fruit sundae with chocolate syrup on top, and once we sat down at an open table, we ate in silence for a couple minutes.
“So Shane, what do you like to do outside of work?” After he finished a bite, he cleaned up his mouth before responding. “I usually like to work out at the gym a couple times a week. I also try to attend church every Wednesday and Sunday. I’m fairly new to the city, so I haven’t found a church that I like yet, so I’m just seeing what they have to offer here for now. It’d be great if I could find one with people within my own age range, but I haven’t had any luck yet.” Hearing him say that took me by surprise, but I remained respectful. I told him about my upbringing a little bit since I couldn’t find anything else to add to the conversation. “Have you ever thought about going back to the Catholic church?”
“What reason would I have for going back?”
“I don’t know… I just thought that maybe you’d want to be closer to your family, or just find someplace where you feel like you belong, if that makes sense.”
“Well, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t necessarily feel that way. I enjoy this sense of freedom I have, knowing that I can be whomever I want or believe whatever I want to believe in.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.” Shane finished up the last of his sundae then got up to discard his cup and spoon. When he came back to the table, I had finished up my sundae and stood up. I picked up my purse and cup, made my way to the trash bin to toss it, then came back to the table. I remained standing, and Shane looked at me with worry and confusion. “Are you going to end this relationship before it even starts? I really like you, Sam.”
“I really like you as well. I just feel like both of us need to take a step back. Our values are completely different, and while I do still want to be your girlfriend, I’m just not sure if this is worth it or not.” Within a few minutes Shane's worry suddenly turned into sadness, and I wasn't sure how to make the situation better, or if there was anything I could say in general.
“Why does it feel like you’re breaking up with me?”
“I’m not! I’m just…” I took in a deep breath before saying anything more. “I need time to process this. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before.”
“What do you mean, ‘like this’? What does ‘like this’ mean?” I didn’t answer his question, and we continued to stand in silence for a long moment.
Both of us were silent on the way back to my apartment, and neither one of us felt the need to hold hands or kiss each other before Shane left. The next day at work, I put all of my focus on my next assignment and didn’t touch my phone. I did hear it buzz a couple times, but the messages were only from Mr. Mason as he wanted some updates on where I was at with my next assignment. I called him back, but only got his voicemail, so I left a message with any information I thought was necessary. Afterwards, I decided to head out to Mr. Mason’s building.
I’ve never been the lonely type as I enjoy doing things by myself, but occasionally, I do get this feeling of restlessness. Sometimes whenever I’m not working, I’ll find myself drifting off or just getting lost in thought. My parents have always had these thoughts of me being married at a certain age, then settling down and having kids. Now I’m not against the idea of having kids or being married, but those kinds of things take time- and more importantly, it takes finding a partner who can help share the work and effort. I don’t consider myself to be someone who lives to fit society’s standards; I like to do things at my own time and at my own pace. I also find it a bit presumptuous to say things like “you should have a job by this age”, or that “you need to be married and have kids to experience happiness”. In my opinion at least, people should just get married, have a job and have kids whenever the time feels right to them. Happiness comes in many forms, and you only get one life, so why not just enjoy the ride and experience everything that life has to offer?
“Hey Mr. Mason, I think I’ll take you up on that offer you made the other day.” Just as I walked up to his office, he stood up from his desk and smiled. “I figured you would sooner or later. You can still work from home whenever you like, but you’re always welcome here.”
“I appreciate it. Which desk will I be taking?”
“How about the one by the window?”
“That’s perfect. I need to make a phone call, so I’ll be right back.”
“No worries. You can get your desk set up at your own pace.” I stepped outside of the room, closed the door behind me and took my phone out of my purse. It seems as if Shane hasn’t thought to call or text back since our first date. I thought about checking up on him, and before I could make a decision, my fingers were already dialing up his number. I stood there in panic, but I was brought back to reality when his voice entered the receiver. “Hey, Sam. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing fine. How are you holding up?”
“I’m still breathing.” He chuckled for a minute, and then his tone became serious again. “I want to apologize for the other night. I feel like I reacted a little too much, and I’d like another chance with you if that’s okay.” I didn’t say anything for a while, and when he noticed the silence, he spoke again. “Are you still there? I hope I didn’t stun you too much.”
“Umm, can I call you back later tonight, Shane? I’m about to do some work here.”
“Sure. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.” I hung up my phone, hurried back to my house and started to collect some things to put into my desk. I’m not sure what inspired me to make this change, but I feel like I should thank Shane for that.
After getting home from work, I decided to call Shane back. I wasn’t really sure where this thing with him would go from here, but I knew I had to say something to him. I picked up my cell phone from the coffee table and stared at it for a brief moment, not sure of what to say or do next. Dialing his number might be a good start, I thought to myself. Just as I was about to search his number through my contacts, the phone lit up. It’s him. “Hey, what took you so long?” I laughed at his remark and said, “Sorry. I was actually about to call you myself.”
“I guess I beat you to it then. Listen, if you’re not ready to be in a relationship full-time, then I get it. I’m sorry if I came on too strong during our first date. To be honest, I think I was a little nervous and just wanted to impress you.”
“I feel like I should be the one to apologize, treating you like a cold fish. You seem like a great guy, and you have a good sense of humor. Do you think we can continue hanging out, but just as friends for now?” I could hear Shane letting out a sigh of relief, which made me smile.
“I’d like that, Sam.”
“Me too. Do you want to hang out later tonight? I was thinking we could stop by this one restaurant that serves seafood tacos. A lot of people have been talking about it.”
“Sounds interesting. I can pick you up at 8?”
“I’ll see you then.”
Dating someone whose values are different from yours isn’t easy, and if I’m being honest, I’m still unsure of how long this will work out with Shane. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now since getting back together, but I’m not in any rush. He’s definitely a great guy and I really like him. When I told this to my new friend Angela at work, she was thrilled and wanted me to keep her in the loop. Speaking of which, I honestly haven’t felt happier since working in Mr. Mason’s building whenever I feel like it. Within two days of the transition, I found out that Alex is Angela’s niece who has now been hired as a part-timer. She finished college just last week and wants to eventually get some experience as a field journalist like myself, so Mr. Mason naturally decided that I should be her mentor.
“Well, I should be heading home now, Alex. Keep up the great work.” I smiled and offered a handshake, which she politely reciprocated. I can tell that she’s still trying to adjust to being a part-timer, so I’m doing my best to advise her without having her feel overwhelmed with a lot of information. Once Alex packed up her stuff and exited the room, I turned to Angela and said, “I think she’s getting the hang of it. What do you think?”
“I agree with you, but try not to hover around her too much. She needs space to figure things out on her own.”
“I understand.”
“By the way, how are things going with you and Shane?” I smiled for a moment before answering her question, and that just made Angela press even more. “Do you think he’s going to propose to you soon?”
“I think we’re just going to take our time on that. I’m not in any rush, and I’m sure Shane would agree with me on that.”
“Whatever you say. You two do look cute together.” I laughed and then headed towards my desk to pack up my stuff for the day.
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