Why I Considered Myself to Be Toxic

How long do people go on for, holding onto their own angst and baggage before they realize that they should just let go of it and move on? How long does it take for a person to heal from all the damage that's been done as well as all the hurt they've been through? These are probably the two most important questions I have when it comes to life. And while I do feel like I've matured a lot in the past 2+ years, I know I still have a long ways to go before all that baggage is suddenly lifted off my shoulders.

I feel as if there's not enough music out there that talks about life through a toxic person's eyes, and I'd say that Daughtry would be one of those rare examples. I can remember when their album Baptized was first released and when I first heard it, I instantly fell in love with all the songs on that album. Little did I know though that their songs would recently come back to give me some comfort in the problems I've faced in my life. The songs Battleships, Witness and Broken Arrows in particular really resonate with me because for the first year of the relationship I've been in, I wasn't able to see things for what they really were. I thought I knew everything when in reality, I was just really naive and needed to be challenged in my perspective on life.

During that same first year of my relationship, I was convinced and convicted in my own preconceived judgments on how I thought life should be. Whenever I was faced with a challenge in perspective, I was quick to defend and fight against those other perspectives because I didn't want break down those walls I had built up after my first heartbreak. It's been a long time coming since then and I'm glad I've allowed myself to be more understanding in the end. However, once those walls came down, I felt so exposed and vulnerable that I didn't know how to deal those feelings properly. It's like my head just went off the deep end and whenever things weren't being met to my expectations, I'd let myself get angry enough to place blame and give haughty ultimatums. And whenever I hurt someone close to me, I'd automatically deny any wrong that I did and just sweep any problems I had under the rug.

I feel like this battle I have with negative thought patterns is always going to be a part of me, but I feel like I'm strong enough to gain control of those thoughts and turn them around if I really want to. All it takes is a lot of mental strength and will power; it takes a lot mind exercises and conditioning for one to become a more positive and productive person. Now I just want to put out there that this process isn't a one-time thing. If you don't keep up those positive and healthy habits to help improve your mental health, then things will start go back to how they were before. Positivity starts from within you; you can't find that power anywhere else. Try your best to remember that.