Self-Criticism & Self Judgment

Breaking myself down is something that I don't particularly enjoy, but sometimes, it is needed for me to step out of my habits. It seems like ever since I became an adult, I've had this complex train of thought that ranges from positive and happy ones to thoughts that are negative and self-deprecating. So in the most literal sense, it's like I do become my own worst enemy at times.

This case is something I go through not too often, but often enough to where it does effect my mood and my ability to see things clearly. I feel like this concept of self criticism stems from this personality trait I have of wanting to be perfect, like everything in my life needs to be done this particular way or else I'll lose this sense of balance within me.

Some days it doesn't take much for other people to knock down my walls, and on days like that, I tend to develop negative or irrational thoughts of myself. Sometimes, people don't even have to say anything, and yet, I'll instantly start basing my own worth on other people's facial expressions or body language, like they're looking or staring at me in judgment. This fear I have of being judged is something that I try to gain control of, but of course, it takes practice and a realignment of my focus.

I know I've touched on this some in a previous post, but I do believe that social media has influenced me in a negative way at times, and as hard as it is for me to admit, I think it's also put me in that trap of playing the comparison game. However, this game isn't purely based on perception (like how others live their lives vs. how I live my life), but it's more based on their experiences vs. my experiences. I remember seeing posts on toxic or narcissistic people, and every time I saw a post like that, I would use that to judge myself as if I'm some kind of bad person with a toxic personality. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm well past that now, but I will say that I have recovered from certain parts of that mentality. I still sometimes judge myself too harshly based on what I do that's out of character, but that doesn't happen as often as it used to.

One thing I sometimes do to help me get out of a negative headspace is thinking about what the world would be like if I wasn't in it. I know how morbid that probably sounds, but it does help me to readjust my focus on more positive thoughts. Other times I'll use a more gentle approach and just allow my train of thought to readjust itself, reminding myself that I have impacted and inspired other people that I've reached out to in life. Knowing that makes me feel good and makes me want to continue helping other people and leaving a positive impact on people's lives.