For me as a cis-gender, straight woman, I feel like the person I am today is a lot more complex than I was back high school, or even when I was a child. I feel like the person I am now, at 30 years old, is someone who, in some ways, is still trying to figure herself out. At the same time, I feel like what stands out the most is that I, unlike my middle school/high school counterparts, am starting to become more comfortable with who I am whenever no one else is around. Don't get this twisted; I still have my moments of feeling lonely or uncertain every now and then, but the amount of confidence I have... That's something that I know I've had to build for myself over the years.
For as long as I can remember, I've been someone who's insecure and dependent on others for happiness. I was also someone who didn't like being in the spotlight. Throughout high school, even though it was obvious that I had a huge love for music and playing musical instruments, I was kind of a wallflower in some situations. I would just insert myself into different groups, trying to seek out attention just so I can fit in and say I had friends. While I wouldn't say I was the desperate type back then, I also wouldn't say I was the most confident person either. Most kids in high school would probably see themselves as awkward, shy or kind of quiet- or at least, that's how I would describe my younger self.
High school... I have so many fond memories of being there, but in all truth here, I feel like the social aspect of it is something that either felt natural, or felt difficult for reasons I could never fully understand. This didn't get any easier once I hit my 20's. I'm an introvert. I find it hard to put myself out there, and sometimes, I struggle with knowing what to say when it comes to starting conversations.
Even though being 30 so far feels more freeing in some ways, I still find myself getting confused sometimes. Life at 30 years old does bring with it a lot more clarity, and yet, I'm still making mistakes. For a lot of us, identity is something that continues to grow and evolve. If you're not thinking about who you want to be in the next few years, or if you feel like you know who you are and never question anything, then would you consider that to be living? I don't. I think that we as humans will always encounter change, and it's up to us to either embrace or resist against it. I know that in the next few years, I hope to be someone who's better than the person I am now, and to be someone who's gained more life experience. I don't know what the future holds for me, and while I'm doing the best I can to take things one step at a time, I do feel like the person I am now is someone who wants to and tries to be grounded. I feel like the choices I've made so far this year are a reflection of the values that speak the most to me. I'm not someone who likes drama. I don't care to be involved in situations that require more energy than what I can give. My mental disabilities, if anything, are starting to become a teacher of where my limitations are. Saying that kind of makes me feel old, but I know I still have a lot of life ahead of me. I just want to keep my life simple, and I feel like as of this year at least, I've been doing a decent job of that.
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