Anger always leads me back to the fire I once held onto so tightly... not once has it betrayed my ability to plunge forward, but I'm not as young as I once was on the inside. Pain is starting to turn into discomfort. Certain memories are starting to feel toxic within my head space. I keep finding myself reacting out of anger, but in reality, I just want to let go once and for all. I want to fall into the abyss of the unknown without looking back anymore.
My desire for a committed relationship/marriage under God's perfect timing is not just a fantasy in my mind these days. My ability to make this work and stay true to what God expects of me is something that takes more confidence than what I'm letting on for these days. Abundance is a mindset that I once held onto without reservation, doubt or fear. I want to embody that kind of energy again 100%! I know that it shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks. God knows that I am worthy, so there's really no reason for me to keep questioning that. My faith and confidence comes from no one else but Him. My worth shouldn't be tied to anyone else's perceptions except Him. God knows my heart. Jesus knows the purity of my intentions. I just want to reflect more of Him, and less of me.
If the castle that God has built for me is greater than the one I've tried building for myself for so many years, then I'm ready to let go. I'm so tired of trying to force different outcomes out of my own sheer will. It tires me out.... it makes me feel weary and like part of my soul is being dragged out in a way that's not healthy or nourishing.
I've been through so much already. I can feel it within my mind and body, but to trust You with all I have and not let fear hold me back is the ultimate test in my eyes now. So for tonight, Lord, I pray that you will take my heart and do what You know is best for me. I pray that You'll show more of Yourself within me, because I know that Your heart beats for my own good. I'm so tired of fighting against You. I know how that makes You feel... As of tonight, I will surrender every ounce of control for good. I love you, Lord. I love what You stand for, even if it makes me feel undeserving at times. Your care for me is so overwhelming, but I'll trust you anyways. Thank you for always staying by my side, whether I'm able to see it or not. I'm grateful for all that You've done this far in my life. You are so good to me, God. I trust you to purify me for the sake of Your greater good. Now and forever, I will praise you with everything I have as best as I can. Amen.
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